31 July 2016

Mavis is Missing

Police, medical personnel, and concerned citizens continue their search for Aunt Mavis, who disappeared from the retirement home last night around dinnertime. According to her roommate, she intended to go into the woods "to meet the man", though her moderate dementia and the fact that the Man of the Woods has not been seen in decades makes this unlikely. If you have any knowledge of Aunt Mavis's whereabouts, or simply want to help, please contact the Sheriff's Department.

18 July 2016

Your Voyage to the Tented Bath

Before departing for the Tented Bath, make sure you've packed your towel, a change of clothes, cleated footwear, a handkerchief, a pair of goggles, lip balm, and your passport. Crantz will pick you up from the station at about six. Six, six-ten.

Don't be late! Else Crantz will become enraged, and the tremors will begin.

13 July 2016

Around Town with Phil Kreame

THANKS AGAIN to Waffle Town's own Ailteira Chikynbeest for her rousing weekend performance of "Sailor Gomez" at last weekend's Big Weekend Goodtime Festival, and thanks to all who could attend and also those who meant to attend but were busy fishing.

Goodness, it's almost that time of year again: paint your wagons! Wagonfest, formerly Wagons-a-Go-Go, has been canceled due to lack of interest, but I'd sure appreciate it if you'd paint your wagons regardless.

Where's your hat? With the sun so bright and oppressive, not wearing a hat is downright foolish. How are you going to protect your head? Don't you know what you keep in your head, and how important it is? Do you want them to be able to see inside your head, with the bright light of the sun shining down on it?

Crime: who's committing it in Waffle Town? Silly Hank, a youth whose "footpath follies" gave many parkgoers a scare and earned him innumerable slaps, has been rightfully caned. Will he recover? The word on the street is: Who Cares?

Until next week,
Phil Kreame, DDS

Editor's Note: Around Town with Phil Kreame has been discontinued. Services for Mr. Kreame will be held this Friday at the First Church of Our Special Favorite.

05 July 2016

Special Announcement

The mayor's office wishes to remind you that in the fight against the Idolater, all means are justified.

01 July 2016

Welcome to Waffle Town, Welcome to Waffle Town

Welcome to Waffle Town. We're going to kill your dog.

21 June 2016

Doctors Patient, Stress Calm

It appears a handful of local children have come down with Muzzleford's Complaint, the first instance of the disease within town borders for over forty years. County health officials have stated that there is no need for alarm: all children below the age of six have been temporarily quarantined, and another shipment of rash cream should arrive from the manufacturer any day now.

18 June 2016

Breathe a Sigh of Relief

Animal Control is happy to announce that they're successfully located and destroyed that runaway peacock. Interested parties are welcome to the feathers.

14 June 2016

Emulsifier Needed, Inquire Within (Thyself)

Fr. Earhoarne is looking for a new Sin Emulsifier, following the retirement of Jamlers. If you wish the position, fast for three days. If your soul is found worthy, Father will come to you. You need not come to the chapel, for there will be made a beacon of your inmost light.

10 June 2016

Park No Place for Chairs, Says Top Cop

Who left a well-used swivel chair on its side in the middle of the park? Police aren't sure, and they're asking anyone with information to come forward. Three miscreants were arrested in the aftermath of the chair's discovery, but they have since been released. Sheriff Ramage, however, is confident that it's only a matter of time until the culprit is found.

06 June 2016

Death: No Man Can Escape Its Grasp

Monmouth Cranty, Waffle Town's oldest resident, has died at age 103. Foul play is not suspected.

Since Mr. Cranty had no living relatives, and since no friends or colleagues have come forward to arrange his funeral, he will be entombed within his one-room lakeside shack. Entombed along with him will be his doubtless plentiful observations about a changing Waffle Town, none of which he chose to share, all of which are now lost to time.

Gretchen Gharble, age 102, is now Waffle Town's oldest resident. We wish her luck.

01 June 2016

Sundry Items

  • Tonight at Town Hall, the merits of small orange pylons versus gargantuan stone pylons will be debated, and all are welcome to join.
  • Hezekiah, it's time to come home.
  • Where do all those uneaten pickles go? Staff at the diner tell us that they're fed to stray cats, who are not so appreciative.
  • Summering in Waffle Town? Why not fall, winter, and spring in Waffle Town? You're welcome to stay.
  • Town workers will remove the fire hydrant in front of the old tire shop tomorrow, because nobody cares if it burns down.

29 May 2016

Potential New Communication Scheme Excites, Enthralls

Norma Cloonts, inventor of spray-on eggs, will unveil her latest work at Town Hall tonight, as part of the ongoing "Waffle Town: Our Future and Yours" series of lectures on personal and societal betterment. Dubbed the "Alfingbet", Ms. Cloonts' new "information transmission system" replaces our alphabet's least popular letters with helical symbols pleasing to the eye, and introduces a series of "quick and sharp vocalizations" as shorthand for over a hundred commonly-used phrases.

Ms. Cloonts' system has already been adopted wholesale by the town council of Moosehead Hollow; will Waffle Town, she recently asked, be "forward-thinking" enough to follow?

26 May 2016

Interesting Incident on Route 5

Early this morning, a police officer patrolling Route 5 pulled over an unmarked white truck for exceeding the speed limit. The driver, who could not produce identification, fled into the surrounding woods at the first opportunity and is presumed dead.

Upon inspection, the abandoned truck was found to be carrying several hundred loaves of bread, which, according to the officer on the scene, "tasted good", and have since been delivered to the supermarket for sale to the public.

23 May 2016

Hello and Good Morning; Wake Up, for It is a New Day

A new week dawns on Waffle Town, and it is your responsibility as a citizen to arise and greet it. Will you fulfill this sacred duty? If you are having difficulty, visit one of the many new "brightness booths" installed around town. 

If you are feeling out of sorts, you can be brought back into the light. If you are feeling incorrect, you can be corrected. If you are feeling like you don't belong in Waffle Town, you can be corrected.

19 May 2016

Sorry About Your Empty Mailbox

Postermaster Brevits wishes to apologize for the lack of deliveries today. It was Gary's turn to deliver the mail, but he overslept.

16 May 2016

Coming Up This Week in Waffle Town

  • Use your nouns! It's Noun Week, and that's county-wide.
  • Schoolchildren can look forward to a bit of entertainment during lunch, courtesy of local favorite Crackers the Silly Clown.
  • The trees are beginning to bloom, and you will be reminded of the impermanence of all things.
  • Going for a drive? Starting this Wednesday, Prescott Road will once again be open to motor traffic.
  • Folks who like to fish are in luck this week, as local entomologists have announced the discovery of a "massive worm surplus".

13 May 2016

Farming Equipment for Sale, It's a Bargain

It's a bargain: farming equipment for sale, all of it used, down at Erdolac Farm.

2 tractors (1 unclean)
1 post-hole digger
1 drill auger, many years old
1 wheelbarrow, red
1 wheelbarrow, unpainted

And that's it unless Zeb finds something else in the shed, and also the shed is for sale. Bring handmade goods for bartering if you haven't got money.

09 May 2016

A Report from Deathless Crocodile, in the Field

Were your eyes not trapped inside your head they could be grabbed and massaged

05 May 2016

Slimy Pond De-mucked in Dog Drama

Dredging began at Vlimy Pond, locally and derisively known as Slimy Pond, this morning as police continued their search for the mayor's missing poodle. It is speculated that the same pungent odor and surly wildlife that keep residents away from the pond might have drawn the wayward pooch to a watery grave.

02 May 2016

Did You Know?

No living astronaut hails from Waffle Town.

29 April 2016

Health Department Recommends Taking it Easy

With temperatures on the rise, county health officials are advising residents to forgo their strenuous tasks in favor of rest and relaxation. Laboring out of doors? Take a breather. Errands to run? They can wait. Sit on the porch and enjoy a cool beverage. There's nothing to worry about, and there will never be anything to worry about.

27 April 2016

A Tragic Turnaround

After a stunning defeat at the hands of Coldthorpe Technical, Dan "Can" Fellows and his "Welders on the Bushel" were eliminated from this season's championship round. They will be reevaluated, and if found to be beyond help, gassed.

25 April 2016

Local Business Celebrates Fifty Years

Town fixture Heckley's Hardware enters its fiftieth year of serving the needs of our community this month. Owner Morton Heckley opened the store when he was but twenty-one, and can still be found behind the front counter every day of the week. We asked Mr. Heckley if he'd like to share a few words to mark the occasion, and he was happy to oblige.

"I still remember where I was," said Mr. Heckley, "when the thought first occured to me. 'Open up a hardware store,' a voice seemed to say. Clear as that. Clear as that. Truth be told, I was never that handy. Hadn't even swung a hammer 'til I was seventeen, eighteen abouts, and my father, who worked at a desk, wore a tie and everything, 'til he thought to build a trellis for the garden. Mother always wanted one. Anyway, I was made to help out, though I would've offered regardless. I wouldn't say it was formative, but it introduced me to working with my hands. I continued to consider law school. Here, my parents did little to encourage me. Don't get me wrong: they would've been supportive. Moral support, at least. But facts were facts, and could they afford the tuition? Probably not. Could I? God knows. Looking back, I can't tell you why I thought of law school to begin with. The germ was just there, in the back of mind. My uncle, great-uncle, he was a lawyer. I think the idea came from the word; my imagination built a possible future on the foundation of that word. Is this making sense? I think we understand the word incorrectly, as a youth we do, I mean, or if not incorrectly then in a skewed sort of manner. Then we, our imaginations, they grow around it. Is this making sense? So, maybe I didn't want to be a lawyer, but I had the idea of 'lawyer', the word, in my head, and that was the trail my mind followed. As a youth, anyway. I wasn't called to it. I wasn't called like I was to opening a hardware store. That's what happened. A voice, not a voice like a talking voice, a voice you felt like a vibration in your bones, your skull, it said 'Open up a hardware store,' just like that. No explanation for it. Who can explain it? I've got my health, I've got my mental health. These things just happen, and I'm not too much of a believer, so I won't comment as to that. But it happened. That's another idea, you know, like the lawyer idea, that the imagination can build on, but I was what, I was twenty-one, and there's that clarity you have as an adult. You speak the world's language. So I told my father about the voice and he wasn't a big talker, not too silent, but not a big talker. And we discussed it, matter of fact like, the possibility of opening a store, I mean. He told me to talk to the neighbor across the street, old fellow, Mr. Polk, never did know what he did for a living as a youth but it turned out he owned a hardware store next town over. Mr. Polk, he must've been ninety at the time, but he could talk. He could talk. 'Every town needs one,' he told me, 'so you're doing your duty and you're safe.' Safe or secure, he said. He wanted to emphasize that it wasn't fleeting, I mean. So he says to me I'll be safe, or secure, and then he tells me his own story, and I'll never forget this, 'I was drifting', he says, 'from town to town, state to state, and this was after my home got knocked flat by a tornado. And I'm taking that like a message from God, because the other explanations, they'll drive you to the madhouse. I drifted for a couple of years, doing odd jobs as I found them, until one day I heard a voice: "Open up a hardware store," it said to me.' Now you can imagine what I felt, the chill that ran down my spine, when he said these words. He had heard the voice, too. He was called. And I confided with him, and he could see how his story shook me, so I confided with him about hearing the words, and he nodded. That's all, just nodded. We discussed it no further. And truth be told, I never saw him again, never visited, never told him about the store after I opened it. I figured he knew. He could've seen my destiny, the trajectory of my life, drawn out before him the moment he knew I was called. So, he knew I opened the store, that I'm sure of."

Our thanks to Mr. Heckley for his time.

23 April 2016

Welcome Up, Welcome Down

The Waffle Town Visitors' Vestibule, formerly the Waffle Town Welcome Shack, will soon be getting a second floor. A disused toll booth, found at the county dump and currently in the process of being refurbished, will be affixed to the roof of the existing building and made accessible via ladder. A display of taxidermied local wildlife is planned, as is an expansion of the mayoral portrait gallery.

Further details will be given at tonight's town meeting.

21 April 2016

You Will Stop Shooting Badgers

Sheriff Ramage is putting an immediate and indefinite stop to badger hunting, following news that badger populations across the county have fallen to record lows. The badger, assumed to be a large member of the rodent family, is critically important to the local ecosystem in its role as the main predator of invasive species like the greater berryskink and whip-chancer wheelfly.

19 April 2016

Spurréd Boots Barred from Milk Bar

Gentlemen in spurréd boots are no longer welcome in Mabel's Milk Bar, its fine hardwood floors having suffered "scuffs and scrapes both frequent and violent," according to owner Mabel Muzzy. Footwear may be removed before entering, but slippers will not be provided. Patrons who disagree with the new rule are invited to take their business—and their spurs—to Snyder's Milk Bar, down the road.

17 April 2016

Your Weekly News Roundup

  • The warm weather led to many residents keeping their windows open this week, which in turn led to an increase in noise complaints.
  • Some children made chalk drawings on the sidewalk outside their home. They were then scolded.
  • Waffle Town was named the most wholesome town in the county for the 86th year in a row.
  • All steel railings were removed from the church. No more steel railings.
  • The town's coffers could receive a much-needed boost following news that Great Aunt Gladys died, having possibly named us in her will.
  • A new mayor was chosen, obviating the need for a burdensome election process.
  • Pipsy the Puppy is no longer with us.

15 April 2016

You Want Beetles? They've Got Beetles!

Of course we're talking about the Rolling Beetle Museum, which you can visit on Peach Street on Monday, Apple Street on Tuesday, Pear Street on Wednesday, and then never again.

12 April 2016

Unpleasant Business in Neighboring Village

Over 50 employees were evacuated from the chemical plant in Burough Acres this morning after reports of fluid leaking from a storage tank. Though the suspected leak was eventually found to originate from a spilled can of carbonated soft-drink, county officials insist that they are taking no chances with public safety, and have ordered the surrounding woodland defoliated and all plant personnel trucked across state lines for extended decontamination. 

Any Waffle Town residents who were in Burough Acres at the time of the incident are being asked to remain there for the indefinite future.

07 April 2016

There is Nothing to Worry About

Patrons of Budgeon Farm's roadside stand report that the new crop of apples have a metallic taste to them. After several letters and complaints, we reached out to Farmer Budgeon, who assured us that that was intended.

04 April 2016

Old Shoe Found

How lonely it must feel without its companion.

31 March 2016

Free Outdoor History Lecture

Professor Piltwater has some thoughts to share about industrialization in the 19th century. He'll be shouting them from the street corner outside the tobacco shop until midnight, and you're welcome to stop by.

29 March 2016

A Minor Correction

During last night's town meeting, it was mistakenly announced that cromus bindings would again be performed at Nitchfield this summer. Due to ongoing renovations at Nitchfield, they will instead be performed at Grimehauser, along with all previously-scheduled Sequence Two harmonies.

The town council apologizes for the error, and wishes to thank Elder Nineback for his wisdom and generosity.

24 March 2016

Proper Opera Attire Tips Tops

Going to the opera house in the big city? It's the dream of many Waffle Town residents to spend an evening in this manner. But what to wear? How to fit in? 

Advice of this sort does not come easy; neither does it come often. It will be yours to peruse, however, thanks to a special pull-out section in next week's Waffle Town Bee. In this beautiful and informative feature—presented in full color!—fine-living expert Ellery Caffodil covers the ins and outs of rubbing elbows with the cosmopolitan set.

Topics include:

  • Suit buttons
  • The gentleman's mannered gait

And more! 

21 March 2016

Where to Put the Old Birch Tree?

It's a leap year, so the Old Birch Tree is on the move again, as dictated by local tradition. The Waffle Town Birch-Tree Caretakers, however, are unsure of where to put it and have to decided to host a meeting at Town Hall tonight to field suggestions from the public.

If you're interested in where to put the Old Birch Tree, please show up at eight and say your piece. If you don't particularly care, but are still interested in listening to a hearty debate, you're just as welcome.

Hot drinks will be served; cold drinks will be available from the vending machine on the second floor.

11 March 2016

Fruit Fire Under Control

We're relieved to report that the fire that began last night at Ned's apple cart has been put out. In related news, the Singed Hair Society will begin meeting again, starting this coming Wednesday at Town Hall.

07 March 2016

Country Road to See Repairs After Sinkhole Snafu

Rockpile Road is finally getting some much-needed attention this week. The rural road's condition has worsened in the five decades since it was last repaved and painted, and after Farmer Grimesby's tractor was swallowed up by what town officials are calling "an unsettlingly deep fissure", room is being made in the budget to see to these pressing problems.

Repairs are expected to begin next month and carry on into the new year. In the meantime, those who would normally use Rockpile Road will have to use the service road that passes through Cruncher Hill, or travel on foot by way of the Old Woodsman's Path.

13 February 2016

The Deadline is Approaching

Submissions to the annual photo contest will be accepted until Monday at noon and absolutely no later. Due to an unexpected influx of photographs of cows, the contest organizers regret to announce that no more photographs of cows will be accepted.

Monday at noon. No cows.

08 February 2016

A Report from Delmer, in the Field

"Them boys went up to Groom's Lick and we ain't seen hide nor hair of 'em since. Must be the woods what got 'em."

Thanks, Delmer!

04 February 2016

That is a Flavorful Meat-Ball (Advertisement)


Yes, you can buy meat-balls from Crandall's food cart. Savory and nutritious, they are sure to satisfy. Why not try them on a roll or bun? Crandall operates his cart at all hours of the day, all days of the week, rain or shine. Ask for Crandall, ask for quality.


31 January 2016

What Happened This Weekend?

  • Beloved scamp Li'l Eddie is all grown up, and on Saturday he finally left home for the big city. He'll be off at college, studying important functions of the human brain.
  • Pork-pie hats were on sale at Buggley Clothiers, and boy did they sell!
  • Today's softball game was canceled after more than half of the available players revealed that they were not actually familiar with the sport.
  • After last night's incident, the Waffle Town Philatelic Society will no longer be holding its bi-weekly meetings in the Happy Hamlet Retirement Community recreation room.

27 January 2016

Acorn Jam Soon to Please Populace

The moment you've been waiting for is here: Ma Hinkle has started making her famous acorn jam. The first batch should be available next month, and you can place an order by visiting Hinkle farm and asking for Clem.

Don't be confused when he doesn't write down your information; Clem's got a good memory and Ma's real proud of him.

23 January 2016

Weather Emergency: Instructions & Helpful Tips

Due to a weather emergency, all government services have been temporarily suspended. In addition, all privately-owned businesses are temporarily forbidden from operating. Saturday classes are canceled, even for home-schooled children. The hospital, which is running on emergency power, will be turning away all but those with the most pressing ailments. 

Remain inside your homes; do not answer knocks on your door. If you become bored or ill-at-ease, take a nap, or read a book or magazine. If you lose power, don't fret: it will come back on eventually. Do not share unpleasant news or long pent-up secrets with any housemates, as you will be spending many hours in close proximity and will want to avoid an incident.

Finally, if your home is equipped with a secure underground shelter, resist the temptation to retreat into it. This will all blow over eventually.

20 January 2016

Good Night, Sweet Comptroller

The mayor's office is deeply saddened to announce the passing of County Comptroller and lifelong Waffle Town resident Templeton Gloam. Comptroller Gloam, 96, died peacefully in his bed this morning while surrounded by friends and loved ones, mere hours after being run over by a garbage truck. His decades of service to the community will not soon be forgotten.

17 January 2016

Blood Now

The hospital needs your blood. People from the hospital are driving around in vans. Get into one of their vans and let them take your blood. 

12 January 2016

How You Can Clip Their Wings

This Thursday at the schoolhouse, local pigeon-keeper Gompers Larry will host another of his celebrated wing-clipping classes. In this hour-long seminar, Mr. Larry will show attendees the proper way to de-wing and domestify all manner of small birds and farmfowl. If time permits, he will also review the basics of beak honing. Are you in possession of a small (350g or less) bird? Feel free to bring it along for practice.

Please arrive at a quarter to seven, and make sure to have clean hands. The class is free to attend, though Mr. Larry's popular pamphlet, "Making the Bird Acceptable", will be available for purchase.

07 January 2016

Outhouse Tax Hike

Town Council is expected to approve a 2% property tax increase for owners of outhouses next week. Despite continued modernization efforts by the sanitation department, rural tradition and a general distrust of indoor plumbing have kept Waffle Town's outhouses per capita well above the national average. 

04 January 2016

Much Appreciated

As a new year begins and final testing comes to a close, Dr. Capstrain and her team at the Institute wish to formally thank the people of Waffle Town for their participation in Project Sapphire Beach. In addition, Dr. Capstrain and her team wish to retroactively inform the people of Waffle Town that they will be participating in Project Sapphire Beach.

27 December 2015

Ploake Yen Shot Down

Town Council has voted against a proposal to change Waffle Town's name to Ploake Yen. The change, proposed last month by town resident Florence Bailer, would have required too many expensive alterations to existing maps and signposts.

22 December 2015

Announcement: Contest Winner

This year's contest winner is Enid Sprankle, 93. Congratulations on winning the contest, Enid.

19 December 2015

Holidays On the Move!

Since the Cabal has ordained that the Ritual of the Archivist must begin this coming week, Christmas has been rescheduled for the 26th. Please adjust your plans accordingly; non-compliance will be met with swift and severe action.

Boxing Day, which is not celebrated in Waffle Town, has been moved to the 27th. Just to be safe.

15 December 2015

No Can Do

Mrs. Wickerbeet, who usually wraps gifts at the toy shop, will not be able to fulfill her duties this Christmas season. A flare-up of rheumatism that sent the beloved nonagenarian to the clinic last night will also keep her away from the wrapping table for the remainder of the year.

At Mrs. Wickerbeet's request, her great-granddaughter, Hildy, will act as her temporary replacement. As Hildy is only seven years old, toy-shop patrons should not expect the same level of service that they are used to. Nevertheless, the staff asks that her efforts be praised effusively.

10 December 2015

Come on Down and Lend a Hand

Park Service is asking for volunteers to help collect oak-tree shavings tomorrow afternoon. You can inquire in the morning at Town Hall by going to the front desk and asking for Bev. If Bev isn't there, ask for Glen. If Glen isn't there, you're too early; they don't get in until nine.

Rakes will be supplied, but you'll have to bring your own lunch. You'll also have to eat it while you work, since you'll be on a tight schedule. Thank you in advance.

07 December 2015


Bad news from our neighbors in Glum Gulch: poison is everywhere, perhaps even in your own pantry! 

Keep an eye out for bottles marked with the image of a human skull, for these usually contain poison. And whatever you do, don't pour their contents into your drinking water, no matter how much the sweet relief of death may tempt you. Have a safe night!

28 November 2015

Welcome to the Accomplishments

This week's Waffle Town "Certified" Accomplishments include:

  • Nancy Elff won the pie-eating endurance contest
  • The Singing Gents Quartet entertained passersby for over seven hours
  • The Chess Club met in the park for their scheduled game
  • Finroy's Children collected over $7500 in donations, plus three goats
  • The Whittling Club whittled small figurines for over seven hours

There's more, but it isn't fit to print.

14 November 2015

Blue Plates and Soul Mates

All our town's lonely hearts are welcome to join the Singles Meet-N-Greet going on right this instant at Cramble's Country Diner. An announcement would have been posted earlier, but owner Fred Cramble forgot to send one in this morning.

Congratulations, Fred! You're the latest recipient of the "Waffle Town Weekly Whoopsie"!

12 November 2015

Did You Carve Your Pumpkin?

It's the month of November, and Pumpkin-Carving Contest Day is almost upon us. Remember to bring your carved pumpkins ("Pumpkin Johnnies") to town square this weekend, and remember to decorate them with festive designs that celebrate the coming harvest. Will your pumpkin be impressive enough to win the contest? If it is, you could win an apple basket or a ragdoll for your child.

15 October 2015

That Message You Were Asking for, The One About the Tile Floor

People claim to be able to perceive messages in the tile floor of the Historical Society's storage room, but I myself cannot.

27 September 2015

Let's Eat Out

This weekend, Doris "Cathy" Gamper had the honor of being the first Waffle Town resident to dine at Chateau Framboise, the new French restaurant in Cruncher Hill. She describes her experience as "nice" and assures us that the food was "good," the wine was "good," the décor was "interesting," the service was "really nice," and the atmosphere was "interesting." Be sure to look for Ms. Gamper's full review in tomorrow's edition of The Waffle Town Bee.

24 September 2015

Cat Parade Canceled

Today's cat parade is canceled on account of not enough cats.

22 September 2015

Happy Heads in Waffle Town

Wendell Jinger - not Wendell Jinger, Sr., so don't worry - is offering haircuts on the corner of Maple & Eisenstein all day today, right out there in front of the Jinger newsstand. Get your hair cut out in the sun for the price of $10 (boys), $12 (girls), $20 (men), no women (no women), $18 (livestock), or free (clergy). Get out there in the beautiful sun, get a haircut. Get yourself a paper when you're done, and God bless you. (Wendell Jinger wrote this.)

17 September 2015

Hold On, Hammy

Message to Hammy: Don't put up those new "Welcome to Waffle Town" signs 'til next Friday at the earliest. We wanna keep out the riff-raff for a few more days. Thanks.

- Management

15 September 2015

Uplifting News to Fill the Pews

- The shelter is overflowing with puppies, and has decided to give back to the community by giving some away. Come on over and get a free puppy tomorrow; no limit per customer!

- Fences are finally coming down at Old Man Willeford's "Hoppin' Horse" Ranch. The horses are gone, but you can walk on the grass.

- Betty Ann dropped her glasses in the pond. Her boyfriend joked that he saw a fish wearing them, but a bystander later confirmed that this was actually the case.

14 September 2015

Attention All

A message from interim mayor Millicent Yatkins: Stop using the word "glom" in public. It's foul.

07 September 2015

Bregman's Bread: Probably Safe?

None of the bobcats that were living in the abandoned Bregman's Bread factory have been seen for a few days. It's probably safe to go in there now, but there isn't much reason to since all the bread is gone. If you're gonna, just try not to climb into any of the machinery. It's old.

Animal Control has promised to look into the situation, soon as they're done cleaning up the mess from last night's dog massacre.

03 September 2015

Droning at Six

Keep your ears open for tonight's droning. It starts at six sharp, and tardiness will NOT be tolerated!

01 September 2015

Welcome, Kola Birds

It's a birdwatcher's paradise in Potswell Park today, where pileated kola birds flit from branch to branch, reticulated kola birds build nests from twigs and cicada shells, and nobleman's lovely kola birds enchant all in earshot with their haunting song. As ever, they're joined by the mock kola birds - not birds at all, in fact - which will accompany them all the way to Patagonia, picking off stragglers and helping themselves to the occasional egg. 

You guessed it: the kola birds are here again, having made their way to Waffle Town on the first leg of their journey south. As the sun sets on another summer, birdwatchers and birdcollectors are "flocking" to Waffle Town's plentiful wooded areas, where they will enjoy two weeks (but no more, by law) of our feathered visitors' egg-laying and tree-squatting antics. 

It's long been the dream of many a birdsman to convince the kola birds to stay and become a native species; thus far, no attempts at communication have yielded a satisfactory result. 

28 August 2015

Porridge by the Sea to End

After ten years of work towards the betterment of the underprivileged and those laid low by hunger, the celebrated Porridge by the Sea charity program will soon be coming to an end. Founder Dorothea Putnick-Shambalón cites "lack of funding, distance to sea, and cetera" as reasons for the closure, but that's not how you say it, Dorothea.

27 August 2015

A Very Unusual Fellow

Police are on the lookout for a man of halting speech and strange countenance. His unsettling gaze pierces the soul, yet his eye betrays no life. Mark his curled lip and consumptive pallor. It is said that an unearthly chill follows in his wake, as does the most curious odour of lilacs and coming snow.

If your paths do cross, give no alarm, but make haste instead to the Constable's office.

21 August 2015

Billboard Bid to Bring Boffo Business?

The bidding is over, and the much-desired billboard space off Route 5 has been awarded to Waffle Town's very own Golden Apple Pest Control. It's estimated that as many as six motorists a day will pass by the billboard after it goes up next summer, and some of them just might be inspired to stop by our little town for a visit.

Let's all welcome them with open arms, and in the meantime congratulate Golden Apple Pest Control, who are this week's "Hometown Heroes"!

19 August 2015

Service Restored

Telephone service has been restored to all areas south of M'Gumley farm. Last night's outage is now understood to have been caused by one of Farmer M'Gumley's cows chewing through the phone line that runs across his property. We're happy to report that the offending cow has been disciplined.

18 August 2015

A New Chunk Lump's

Chunk Lump's is opening a new location in the old ticket booth behind the roller rink. Soft stews will be served, as well as the famous "gravy gobble".

17 August 2015

Please Stop Looking

The Chickateo family, of Addison Street, would like to publicly ask their neighbors and fellow townsfolk to end the well-meaning but futile search for their missing dog, Rooney. As it has been over five days since Rooney was given his heart medication, there is no longer any hope for his survival. The Chickateo family expressed their gratitude for everyone's time, efforts, kind words, and prayers, but now wish to move forward in privacy.

Also, the mayor died.

20 June 2015

Acres Farms Acquires Old Mill

Multistate agricultural concern Acres Farms has agreed to purchase the historic "Old Mill" at Catchapenny Creek for an undisclosed sum. The sale of the mill has been a hotly-debated subject at town meetings for the past month, with Waffle Town Historical Society president Vivian Henshaw calling it an "affront", an "outrage", an "enormity", and, occasionally, a "sin".

Over the past year, Acres Farms has purchased nearly five square miles of arable land in areas all over the county, as well as six factories, two cabins, and a pioneer cemetery. In a press release, the county treasurer's office once again assured the public that these sales are necessary to balance the budget. The mayor's office declined to make an official comment, only insisting that people "calm down."

10 June 2015

The Night Times

Hello and good evening. We have been authorized to interrupt your normal nightly routine for an important bulletin: corn patties will be free at Hucker's tomorrow.

06 June 2015

Don't Burn It Without a Permit

Starting a trash fire this weekend? That's perfectly fine - assuming you have a permit!

You'll need a trash-burning permit to dispose of your refuse in this manner, for which you can find applications at town hall every day of the week. If you don't have a permit, you're going to have to send your trash off to the dump like the rest of us. It's the law!

05 June 2015

The Hum

It appears that the confused residents of Oakerton Street finally have an explanation for the "low and mysterious hum" they've reported hearing at all hours of the day since early January. A team of researchers from the Institute spent the past week investigating the source of the strange noise and are confident in their conclusion that there is, in fact, no noise at all. "Our instruments are calibrated to the most exacting tolerances," said a representative, "and they detected nothing out of the ordinary."

The Institute is hopeful that the residents of Oakerton Street will find this conclusion satisfactory.

26 May 2015

Keys Please

Attention Waffle Town resident Lewis Hibby: your grandmother lost her car keys again and needs help finding them. Please call her when you get the chance.

29 April 2015

No Worries

As you climb into your bed tonight, rest easy in the knowledge that Waffle Town is safe: it's been over twelve years since our last rabid dog attack.

26 April 2015

From Sweden

Some officials from Sweden will be visiting Waffle Town this week. The mayor's office implores all residents to be on their best behavior while these foreign sophisticates make use of our humble hamlet.

28 March 2015

Red Mailboxes to Go

After years of campaigning by concerned citizens, red mailboxes will soon be illegal in Waffle Town. Homeowners have until June 1st to remove or repaint their red mailboxes or else face a fine and possible jail time. Mail will still be delivered to homes with red mailboxes until that date, but only reluctantly.

21 March 2015

Ill Tidings

News from out of town: the maplewheat harvest has failed again. Is this the work of mischievous spirits, some wonder. None could say but the Oracle, and she is long passed.

19 March 2015

Trouble in Cribbage Road

There is a deer standing in the middle of Cribbage Road, blocking traffic and refusing to move when prompted. It does not seem to know where it wants to go or what it wants to do with itself. Drastic action may soon need to be taken.

If you have any ideas on how to help, or believe you can somehow communicate with this deer, please contact animal control within the next ten minutes. 

16 March 2015


Today, corn is on sale. It's at the market, and you can find it in aisle two. Please stop sending e-mail asking about the availability of corn.

11 March 2015

The Conscience of a Nation

It was 75 years ago today that state senator (2nd district) Merle Pepper gave a celebrated speech at town hall in which he said that Waffle Town had "the potential to become the conscience of a nation." Many saw this as pandering to voters; others called it a comical overstatement; a few, though, took the late senator at his word, and dreamed of future greatness for their tiny town. It is the official position of the Waffle Town News staff that these latter few were correct.

Do you agree that Waffle Town has fulfilled its promise? Share your thoughts by sending us an e-mail at wafnewsstaff.waffletown@staff.waffletown.us.gov

Please do not share your thoughts in the comment section. The comment section is not for your opinions.

21 February 2015

Free Tomatoes: Come and Get Them

Willoughby Sykes will be handing out free tomatoes on his porch this evening, starting around five. No need to be a friend, or even an acquaintance, to get a tomato of your own, although good friends will be served first, with the expectation that strangers and passing acquaintances will understand.

Tomatoes are limited to three per visitor. Latecomers should expect a long line. Don't forget to bring a bag or basket, and remember to bundle up: it's cold out there! No dogs allowed, as they can frighten the farm animals.  No cats, either, as they can frighten the dogs. Please, use your best judgment when deciding whether or not to bring small children. Small children do not count as "visitors" with respect to the three-per-visitor limit. Mr. Sykes thanks you in advance for your compliance.

17 February 2015

Yum Yum

Today, county jail will be serving rat soup for lunch and burnt toast for dinner.

Don't like it? Tough.

This message was brought to you by the sheriff's department.

01 February 2015

Fam Feb Farm Fair

This Friday, all are invited to the Famous February Farm Fair at Fairacre Farms. A longstanding tradition, the Fair has provided enjoyment and education to the people of Waffle Town for generations.

Come and ride a tractor. Come and pet one of two cows. Come and pick the apples you want to eat, instead of buying them pre-picked at the grocery store. Come and see how barns are painted. Come early, and you'll even get a chance to meet Old Mister, the famous horse.

I'll be there. Will you?

25 January 2015


We're trying to find files 4, 71, and 22b. Thanks.

- Staff

14 January 2015

A Friend Has Returned

Fun Sam, beloved delivery man, has returned to Waffle Town after a long absence and plans to pick up right where he left off. "Things will be back to normal next week," he says. Place all your orders on the bulletin board in town hall, and remember to specify color and quantity!

27 December 2014

Small-Town Life

Waffle Town is small. Life moves slowly here. The people here are small, too, and they also move slowly. Even when they're driving in their cars, they're moving pretty slowly, because the cars move slowly here in Waffle Town. On top of that, the cars are small. There are a lot of compact cars here in Waffle Town. They're small, like the people they carry, and the roads they travel on are small as well. No need for wide roads here in Waffle Town.

And you know what? That's what small-town life is all about.

17 December 2014

It's Fruitless

Whoever has been planting banana trees in Grampus Park, please stop. They cannot grow in this climate.

12 December 2014

Christmas Trees, Please

YOU WANT THEM - WE HAVE THEM says the hand-painted sign in the middle of town square, where local entrepreneur Larry Goog, well known for his corner juice carts, has received permission to sell Christmas trees for the remainder of the month. Mr. Goog says he's excited to save residents the hassle of a trip to Burough Acres, long the site of the county's only tree farm. On the origin of his valuable stockpile Mr. Goog declined to comment, only expressing confidence that it contains trees of every size and shape customers might need, and adding that pre-decorated trees are also available for a small extra fee.

30 November 2014

Shampoo Shortage Ends

Bottled shampoo is once again available at the supermarket, nearly a week after a delivery truck was inadvertently sent to the wrong Waffle Town. The existence of another Waffle Town was news to many residents, and the mayor's office was quick to insist that it is far away, of no consequence, and need not be spoken of again.

Customers of Bucksmith's Dry Goods, who have been buying Bucksmith's Homemade Dry Shampoo and Bucksmith's Hair Tonic as alternatives this week, should know that they will remain available and in healthy supply throughout the year. Shipments of Bucksmith's Fresh Powder, however, have been temporarily delayed, after a delivery truck was inadvertently sent to the wrong Waffle Town.

24 November 2014

Today's Announcement

The mayor's office would like to remind everyone that while life is worth living, we should not get carried away with our enthusiasm for it.

23 November 2014

The Allure of Fantasy

Celebrated fantasy novelist Renata Gravelstein will be at Waffle Town Public Library tomorrow to read from her new story collection Window, Window. Seating will be provided for thirty attendees.

In the event that all seats have been claimed, further attendees will not be turned away, provided they have brought their own folding chairs. Folding chairs should not exceed thirty inches in height. Plastic folding chairs are preferred. Metal folding chairs are allowed, but must be fitted with rubber or felt leg tips. Metal folding chairs will be inspected for leg tips at the door. Extra leg tips will be available on-site, but quantities are limited and it is requested that, if necessary, guests pre-fit their metal folding chairs before arriving. Wooden "patio style" folding chairs that conform to the aforementioned height limits will also be allowed. For questions regarding other types of folding chairs, or folding chairs of unusual shape or width, please call the library's front desk.

18 November 2014

Hats for Men

If you are interested in hats, be aware that Sigmund Clothiers will be having a sale on men's hats tomorrow. All hats were hand-made in Waffle Town by elderly volunteers.

05 November 2014

Stay Out of the Swamp

Headed to the swamp on your day off? Bad idea, says a new study from the Institute. Quality testing by experienced scientists revealed unexpectedly high numbers of Type IIIc monoflagellate, H-bound ribosoid, and protein bicuspoid bioforms in the waters of Waffle Town's outlying marshlands. Levels were found to be highest in Bunk Swamp, a popular destination for hikers since the extinction of the Bunk family in 1971.

The parks department will be installing signage in appropriate areas this weekend. Prospective warnings are "No Wading or Swimming", "Wade or Swim at Own Risk", and "Keep Out". Interested residents can vote for their favorite, or suggest their own, tonight at seven in room B of Town Hall. Refreshments will be served.

09 October 2014

Friendly Shadows

New streetlamps are going to be installed on Philo Avenue this week. They will almost certainly cast a harsher light than you are used to, but don't be frightened! There is nothing hiding in the new shadows.

In other news, Old Fred has finally left town.

06 October 2014

Feed Upon Me. Grow Fat on My Milk.

These are the thoughts of the cows of Waffle Town.

01 October 2014

Creek Champs

Local favorites Derek and Mayhew Finnegan have won the "Canoe the Creek Challenge" for a second year in a row. When asked about their victory, Derek claimed to be "thrilled", while Mayhew only smiled and offered a "thumbs up" gesture.

All of Waffle Town extends its "hearty congratulations" to you, fellows!

28 September 2014

Groomsman Flees

A groomsman fled the well-attended Burberry-Fife wedding this afternoon, taking with him the yet-to-be-thrown bouquet. Lawrence Nichols, a friend of the groom, ran from Sacred Unity Church without explanation and was last seen heading north on Vorpal Street. He is not considered dangerous and has no history of mental illness. The newlyweds are asking Waffle Town residents for any help in locating Mr. Nichols, while Sheriff Ramage has agreed to provide a $500 reward for any information leading to his return, dead or alive.

27 September 2014

The State of Things

Who stole Mr. Willoughby's favorite dog?
What's the matter with today's youth?
When will the End come?
Where did the traveling salesman go?
Why isn't it raining constantly?

If you're confused about the state of things, you're not alone. Stay tuned to the news from Waffle Town for answers.

20 September 2014

The Best Medicine

Local funnyman Elbow Danner is at it again. Danner, who made headlines last year when he violated the town's anti-heresy ordinance, will be flaying and roasting a goat in Potswell Park before tomorrow afternoon's softball game. "I think this'll speak for itself," said the irreverent comedian. All residents are encouraged to stop by for food and fun.

10 September 2014

Let Them Kick It to You

The town kickball league is looking for volunteers to pitch in tomorrow night's game, since Larry is sick with shingles. Inquire at Dougie's Pool Hall. Thanks.

08 September 2014

Crinkle Memories

Assemblyman Warren Crinkle, a lifelong resident of Waffle Town, is being remembered today by friends, family, and strangers alike. "He was always a good man, a large-hearted man," said colleague Ellen Roorscoot, who added that the assemblyman never missed a day of work in his long career. Mr. Crinkle's daughter, Tina Crinkle-Smythe, said of her father, "He was such an inspiration when I was growing up. I can't begin to imagine life without him."

People from all over Waffle Town were eager to tell stories of the assemblyman's kindness, wisdom, and generosity. Madeleine Phent of Phent Grocers remembers Mr. Crinkle as a frequent customer who once helped change her tire. "They don't make folks like him anymore," she said.

Assemblyman Crinkle, who turned 62 in January, is expected to return Wednesday from his trip to Italy.

06 September 2014

The Future

57% of polled Waffle Town residents say they are worried about the future. The mayor's office would like to remind everyone that worrying will not solve anyone's problems.

03 September 2014

Market Meeting

Waffle Town resident Gladys Buckle says that she ran into old friend Mitsy Bennings at the supermarket this past tuesday. The two, who had not seen one another in several years, spent around ten minutes in friendly conversation before promising to meet for lunch at a later date. Ms. Buckle says Mitsy is "doing well."

30 August 2014

Crickheimer's Elementary Monknight

The Waffle Town Repertory Theatre wishes to announce that it is seeking experienced actors to play the role of Old Slauson in its upcoming production of Crickheimer's Elementary Monknight. Applicants should contact Mr. Jasper at extension 53 and prepare at least two energetic monologues.

28 August 2014

Let's Go to the Beach

Beach days at Lake Kilo will be ending in two weeks' time. With fall approaching, the parks department has announced that the shores of Waffle Town's largest lake will soon be closed to the public. Please act quickly if you or your family had been planning or have had intentions to plan a summer beach outing.

Lake Kilo, known for its midnight-blue waters, draws visitors from tens of miles each summer. Access to the lake for leisure, non-governmental, and non-religious purposes is restricted outside of the warmer months. Henderson Wibb of the parks department insists that, while this is for the safety of both human visitors and the lake's wildlife, it is not related to any unsubstantiated rumors about a lake monster. 

19 July 2014

Rumors from Glum Gulch

According to unverified reports, nearby Glum Gulch has dealt with a troublesome drifter by way of public hanging. The unnamed drifter is said to have been behind the distribution of a transgressive apple pie recipe.

17 July 2014

Reconquest of Paradise

Pardon me; I was not in the Home for Mentally Ill

27 October 2008

Clerical Error at Waffle Center

70+ days information lost. Mechanical failure ruled out completely. Mayor and Chief Director authorize sigma-class recovery protocol "Zero Canyon", advise cautious optimism.

03 August 2008

Night Falls

Where will you be?

Not in Waffle Town, not in Waffle Town.

30 July 2008

Truck Overturns...Accidents Happen

The Milk Truck overturned on Highway outside Waffle Town (far outside Waffle Town - Waffle Town is PEACEFUL). An accident was caused requiring five cars. No milk was spilled.

20 July 2008

In the Square today:

- Young Boris sold "lemon ade"
- Young Lawrence sold brownies and cakes
- Officer O'Fernsby stopped traffic for the crossing animals
- Helper dog "Fido" helped his master "Edward Loomis" across the street

The Nightmares of the Children of Waffle Town

The good people of Waffle Town want only to remove the nightmares from the minds of their children. Doctors have yet to develop a method. How tormented they are, the children by their nightmares, the parents by their guilt, and the doctors by their feebleness of mind in the face of that which refuses to be known.

Clams Upon the Hill

How did they get there? Did they land there during the Great Flood?

16 July 2008

The Hills Are Alive

...with the sounds of crickets chirping and birds chirping every night and morning in the countryside! Ah, summer!

15 July 2008

Signs Are Posted!

Mr. Hemmings has posted signs for his upcoming "bake-off" at the church. He wants to let everyone know about the "bake-off" and to come and enjoy it. Mr. Hemmings was once owner of Frizzle D.'s department store in downtown Waffle Town, and he was renowned for his kindly prices. Be good to Mr. Hemmings!

13 July 2008

Fun "Beach" Party

Fun party at Mortimer Beach Store...tonight! Beach merchandise will be 1/3 off, and come dressed as beachgoer for x-tra savings!

Mortimer Beach Store located in savings district. Bring entire family for entire family fun.

Surveyor Sees Waffle Town

Surveyor Tom Jonnings has done his thing in Waffle Town, and declares it "to standards."

Isn't it amazing when the professional men and women are pleased by the geographical exactness of our fine town? Does it not make you happy, does it not help the sun to rise?

07 July 2008

Ancient TEXT?!?!?

I am trying to make sense of this ancient text. Maybe you can help me.

What does "tree" mean?

05 July 2008


All citizens of Waffle Town - be happy - be merry - party in the town square

29 June 2008

El-Chuco Chuco Powerbat

It is said he dwells in the far caverns. Is it so? Would you dare to find out?
Wise words may await you. Riches, as well. But what dangers? What horrors?

I shudder at the thought!

15 June 2008

Lettuce Heads

From the town of Horgenbath, they come to buy lettuce heads. Fresh and inviting, the lettuce heads sit on Ma Maple's counter, waiting for the hungry consumer and consumerette to pick them up and see that they are worth buying. How they wait. How they wish to be bought and eaten. We would all like to know how it feels to be a lettuce head.

25 May 2008

Does Anyone Like the New Lamppost

Mayor says nobody likes the new lamppost

- not doctor
- not lawyer
- not baker
- not greengrocer
- not mailman
- not construction worker
- not notary public
- not surgeon
- not bookseller
- not scientist


We're gonna take it down, he says!

Nighttime, a Great time, for Fun Time

Fun time at nighttime, good time for games. Who agrees? Yes, all agree.
Time with family, time to break out fun board game and enjoy yourself...

17 May 2008

As World Turns, So Waffle Town Turns

The sun is shining on Waffle Town. The people are happy in Waffle Town. Won't you join us?

14 May 2008

Hurdleberry Family Announces

The Hurdleberry family wants the citizens of Waffle Town to know...that they love Waffle Town!!!!

It is a great place to be, I agree. Have fun!

Route of Sanchez Lane

A good place to be on the road. Use your car!

10 May 2008

Elderly Crossing

When the elderly cross a road...help them!!!! GO!!!!!!



Pluger Street Development

Pluger Street being developed - news item - important to respect detour set up for Pluger Street. Pluger Street will have:

5 houses
1 ice cream shop
1 mailbox

Apply to live on Pluger Street at Waffle Town Union.

04 May 2008

A Contraption...

Found in the basement of House 55-D, a contraption for the ages! What does it do? What does it not do? Can I learn about it? Thank you for your interest.

Sailing into the Bay, Alone

The dream of many men.

01 May 2008

Into Bakery of Waffle Town

Here at the bakery we have the ovens to make the bread, and the dough to make the cookies. We have the chocolates and the vanillas, and the sweeties and the candies, and we sell them to the children. We make the cakes and the pies, we make the bread for the sandwiches and the bread for the buttering, and we sell them to people of all ages. Would you like to work at the bakery? It's possible...

26 April 2008

Massivo Loco Destructo Destroyo

Did anyone see the show? Of the above title? In Waffle Town???


18 April 2008

Enjoy a Life of Leisure

Your life - is it incredible?
Do you want the life of another? Of course not!
Because you have Waffle Town to live in, it is so fulfilling.

- good streets
- good people
- good sales
- good bens
- good activities
- good community

Yes, all these things define Waffle Town quite well, you agree and are pleased.
Triumph for Waffle Town!

From the Land of Fun - Good Messages

From "Fun Camp" we receive two good messages of hope for Waffle Town and the children of Waffle Town. 1: Have fun, Waffle Town! and 2: Waffle Town is central to His plan! All right! Thanks so much the Fun Camp and their nice people, who are good to all, haha.

Mr. Mitzwelder's Amazing Machine

Mr. Mitzwelder reports from his laboratory - he is continuing work on his amazing machine. What will the machine do? Are you excited to know? Mr. Mitzwelder claims it will be important to every home, that it will be necessary to ever home in time. Yes, we are very intrigued by these claims. Yes, we hope to interview Mr. Mitzwelder soon.

Some Say 'Waffle Town is Good'

They are right!!!

17 April 2008

To the Water Tower

Water is pumped lovingly out of the water tower. It winds up in your sink, your bathtub...don't you understand??? Give your appreciation to the water tower.

15 April 2008

Sharon Lovis Finds Letter Under Lamp

While reading the newspaper this morning, local Sharon Lovis let her eyes wander. Doing so, they fell upon an unopened letter resting motionlessly beneath her living-room lamp. Sharon Lovis could not and can not remember receiving this letter, and she currently refuses to open letter, or to tell Waffle Town news chief what letter contains. This mystery will haunt Waffle Town for the rest of our days.

10 April 2008

On Kruger-Vann Avenue....

A "Bake" and a "Yard" sale will happen today in the after-noon. Do you want to buy bake, and to buy used items from the Yard family? These are the places for you.

Water Men

Come to install the water today at 5 o'clock

06 April 2008

News from the "Post Office"

Mr. Reynolds-Jackson at the mail building says:

- lots of new mail
- so much old mail
- stamps are full price for the season
- envelopes are ready-made and can be yours today
- no more news

Waffle Town appreciates Mr. Reynolds-Jackson for keeping the people informed.

My Father

Let me tell you about my father. My father was a wise man. My father was a strong man. My father was a man who scaled many mountains and swam many oceans. Does this satisfy your need, hearing about my father like this? Good.

02 April 2008

Fun at Great Heights

Crowds gathered in shock, horror, and amusement this morning as local man Pote Thampson tried to climb Waffle Tower. When later interviewed, he said, "I thought it would be fun." Well, Pote, we hope you really did have fun, because you gave us quite a scare back there.

Pike Sale

Don't go to the pike sale

It's a bad deal
We're trying to stop the pike sale. Don't go to the pike sale, please.

25 March 2008

A Bad Time in the Square?

Little Johnny had a bad time in the square. Scientists did not think this was possible. Why did he have a bad time? Where did it all go wrong? What happen? What happen? What happen to Waflo Twon?

When We Find The Bugs

We burn the bugs.

The Prime Ministers of Waffle Town

Reggie "Dobbins" Detweiler is minister of Waffle Town Academy
Reggie "Harper" Lonsdale is minister of Waffle Union Associates

This cannot be a coincidence.

19 March 2008

At the Docks

At the docks today, Young Horbus Danielson caught a very big fish. He could not identify the fish, and thus had to release it, as per Waffle Town fishing code. We will never know what type of fish it was.

Daily Race Numbers

We don't have them. Go look for them.

12 March 2008

01 March 2008

Very Much Underground in Waffle Town

Moles and gophers aren't the only underground residents of Waffle Town, friends. According to scientist "A. Barquentine" our little hamlet is home to a growing population of Salmus siridius - the glowing harp beetle. This interesting creature digs tunnels under the earth, and lays its eggs, and raises its family without ever seeing the surface! Incredible! Its name stems from the bioluminescent ridges that run across its back. Some say it is driven by the spirit-aggregate of thousands of miners who lost their lives in the 1898 Caine explosion. Does this rumbling insect hivemind have sinister plans for Waffle Town? Scientist "A. Barquentine" chose not to comment on the matter.

29 February 2008

We Get Crazy

But only at night, the crazy time

An Amazing Find...

Animal bones...in the ground...here in Waffle Town! Do you wonder what animal they belonged to? Do you wonder how this animal died? Do you wonder how old this animal was? Wow, the question that we have to ask!!!!

24 February 2008

Woobo Town

Don't believe the lies about Woobo Town. There is no Woobo Town.

23 February 2008

The Secret of Manny Flanks

Manny Flanks has a secret...do you know what it is?

Go to Town Square
Ask for Manny Flanks
Ask what his "secret" is
He won't tell you!

Secret coming soon!

20 February 2008

17 February 2008

Very Small Sale

There is a sale at the Pet Store

It's very small...but it still has big savings!

It is a very small sale on very small mice!!!!! Buy them today, take a mouse home!!!!


12 February 2008

Pond & Plond

Pond & Plond was name of Game Show...in Waffle Town 1995...very popular...yes...

No more Pond & Plond though

Never again

Intense Longing in Waffle Town

Open up your Waffle Town newspaper...look at the "personal" section. What pain! What misery!

Open your hearts, Waffle Town!

08 February 2008

Everything Old is New Again

Farmer Patro replaced his soil on Old Work Farm
Bob Matherman sold his automobile and has purchased a strong bike
The trees are blooming in Waffle Town!

06 February 2008

Mr. Helm Quotes

Mr. Helm's famous quotes:

"Waffle Town is a fun town."

"When I was a young lad, we enjoyed playing tag."

"Great men across the world are united in friendship."

"This fountain is quite lovely in my yard."

Thanks to Mr. Helm for speaking with us.

04 February 2008

Smooth Sailing Ahead!

Today at Waffle Town Lake there was a SAILING REGATTA involving eighteen participants! For those of you who were not there, you missed great fun!!!! For those of you who were there, didn't you have fun?!?!?!!?

It was a clear day, the sun shining brightly, the birds chirping merrily, and the waters cool and crisp for a nice day of regatta sailery. Fun boats were seen, and there was a race! Peter 'Pete' Flemings, famous Waffle Town sailing enthusiast, was not available, but many brave contenders entered the race, some to win, others to lose, all to have a fun and good time sailing.

Gold Medal - Van Morton & "Sea Goose"
Silver Medal - Ievgeni Pultz & "Queen Mary II"
Bronze Medal - Marjorie Song-Hulimn & "Young Jarvis"

Congratulations from Waffle Town to these fine winners and their wonderful boats!

01 February 2008

Do You Like To Make Dollars?

There is an easy way to make dollars...in Waffle Town!

1. Go to Waffle Town Construction Agency
2. Talk to hire-man
3. Get job, make money!!!! Buy more pies!!!!!

Connecting with Friends...

Friendship is a strong bond between two individuals. It is important to connect with friends...because friends are good! Here in Waffle Town were are all about friends and friendship. We are all friends. We like one another and are liked. The entire Circle is made up of those who enjoy each other's company.

When I think about friendship...and good people...happiness is everywhere!!!!

28 January 2008

Fence removal in Burough Acres

Fences in Burough Acres are being removed and sent to Waffle Town tomorrow as per Mayor's wish for more fence coverage in Waffle Town...more updates as they come in...Mayor stresses always importance of having fences for proper delineation and control, important tenets of famous "Blue Keel" Protocol 1997 V201...This information brought to you by Hondo Roaster on Fangle Blvd.

Here They Are

Here are the fun Waffle Town items you asked about

- Waffle Town is good
- South Street Playground still contains small elf
- "Pie Land" restaurant to open in May; will compete with N.O.R.K. Pies for pie dominance in Waffle Town

That's good for now, man???

18 January 2008

Good Blokes

They visit Waffle Town
They went to Mom And Pop Store and buy "Soda Bread" for "Feast"
Reached for comment, they say they like Waffle Town

17 January 2008

The Picket Fences of Waffle Town

In the sleepy American hamlet of Waffle Town, we take things slow. We like to "mosey" down to the general store for our groceries, and we like to say hello to the milkman each morning. This is what it is like to live in Waffle Town, the town of dreams.

13 January 2008

Pappy Flanagan Speaks

Pappy Flanagan spoke to Waffle Town reporter today....he had this to say:

"When I was a young [sic] man, my friends and I would go down to the forest...and we'd pick berries!!! Can you believe it????"

Wow, Pappy, that is exciting! Your news is our news now, thanks.

12 January 2008

Here is your fun goat

Enjoy your fun goat in Waffle Town

heh heh

02 January 2008

N.O.R.K. Pies Opens in Town!!

36 Mapleberry Drive
Next to the old museum!
N.O.R.K. Pies is open now!!!

All the pies you can need....

  • apple pies
  • lemon pies
  • pumpkin pies
  • lime pies
  • grapefruit pies
  • honey pies
  • delicious pies!!!!!!!!!

Visit TODAY for pies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Waffle Town Song

Oh Waffle Town
Oh Waffle Town
How lovely are thy branches
Oh Waffle Town
Oh Waffle Town
The circle is such a fun place
Oh Waffle Town
Oh Waffle Town
We are all friends and it's great
Oh Waffle Town
Oh Waffle Town
Waffle Town is the best town!

30 December 2007

O Dirgish!

Here's a fun thing to remember: Waffle Town is having "O Dirgish" festival this month!

Come one, come all!

Many festivities and food will be given all day and night!

Do you want to go to O DIRGISH FESTIVAL????

27 December 2007


Waffle Town the place for it
Waffle Town the TOWN for it
Grinning Teeth marleybone and sons open restaurant for the casual eater
We love their ham samwich

Hijack County Merge With Fresh Delight

Hijack County nearby to be run over and turned into Fresh Delight Source Community via Alberco Industrial and Meyer-Bronbot Logistics

23 December 2007

Crazy Old House

It sits on Honeybird Lane and is quite a sight!

20 December 2007


Waffle Town named Best Town


19 December 2007


That's right Waffle Town man and woman the post office has ALL your supplies for a LOW price! Stamps! Pencils! Envelope! Come to Waffle Town Post Office and feed your need!!!!

Timebat Statue Inscription

"Here Is Waffle Town
To Honor The Dead
As A Man Falleth
So Shall He Rise

His Vision Binds The Circle
Guide Us

"Yeah!" says Waffle Town Mayor!

He says,"Yeah!" to delicious nougat sticks sold in Yondo Park! Good choice, mayor!!!

15 December 2007

HUGE Concrete Blocks!

They're here...in WAFFLE TOWN!!!!

Each of these blocks weighs over three thousand tons. What an adventure we'll have, looking at them.

14 December 2007

Train Schedule

1, 2, 3

Trains are ready

Bonnie Tarley

Bonnie Tarley voyages to nightmare town
Waffle Town finds a good man to run it
In the year 3000

Check it out?

11 December 2007

Zoonterview!: Gorilla

I interview the strong gorilla in this piece...I hope you'll like it!

Reporter: Hello, how is the zoo today?

Gorilla: Hello, being in the zoo is bad...I am in a cage!

Reporter: Now, now...at least you are not in the jungle! It's dangerous out there.

Gorilla: That's a rationalization.

Reporter: Moving on...do you like being in Waffle Town?

Gorilla: Waffle Town is the best!!!!

Reporter: Good good.... [we take a short coffee break] Heh, this coffee sure is good...

Gorilla: Yeah...

Reporter: Anyway, I've got to get going...

Come see the gorilla and his animal friends at Waffle Town Zoo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

10 December 2007

Big Time at Waffle Town!!!!

- Circus was good!
- Everyone is happy
- Mr. Buhop is owning many stores
- Puppy had more puppies in Little Waffle Town
- Bikes for sale at Magee Honer
- Time and sands clinic opening on Rutorer Street
- Crosswalk says hello
- The square is important
- Waffle friends around the world....say HELLO!!!!

05 December 2007

Town Square?

Did everyone leave the town square??? Go to the town square, support Waffle Town!!!!!!!!!!!!

Canned Bake

The canned bake is being sold at Happerstun's

If you want to eat some canned bake now it is $5 and tastes super great!!!!!!!!!

Get it soon before it "sells out"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

01 December 2007

The Silence Rodeo

New in town!

All hail Silence Rodeo!

Come at 12 o'clock or 1 o'clock, see great things, get free shirt

Many amazements:

- running cow
- running cat
- floating animals and people
- popcorn served
- clowns also

Everyone, for a good time, go to the Silence Rodeo

Your life will be great then

26 November 2007

Lord Turnabod to visit???

Lord Turnabod of merry Britain to visit Waffle Town???

Will he say nice things about Waffle Town to his country??????

Will he bring them here????!??!?!?!??

24 November 2007

Love in Town Square??

Mindy and Hopper are looking for love in the town square...they eat chocolates and write sweet poems together!!!

We wish them all the best, love and Waffle Town, together at last!!!!

Under the Earth

He twists and shifts, a spiral of flesh unknown to God

20 November 2007

Waffle Town uh oh

Something bad happen at Waffle Town

it's okay!

16 November 2007

New Statue: Timebat

Everybody like statue?

Everybody like timebat?


15 November 2007

Hoopo River overflowing?

Reports say Hoopo River overflowing

Is this true? Maybe

Hoopo River has a long rich history in this town...it has been in this town for a long time, and was the scene of the Granny Cornheiser Gang raid in 1924

Maybe your grandparents remember!

13 November 2007


- Mr. Joseps gone to the store
- Mayor had a barkley sale
- Underwall Street is now a division of Presco-Horicott Logistics
- Violent wasp management...coming soon to make schools safer!!!!
- A dark cloud forms over posterity
- Writer Beldrick Davies is in town to sign copies of "Hoegaarten Memories"....check it out!
- No bodies found at the quake fire
- Mrs. Coopor had a good flight
- Holidays soon...prepare yourself

12 November 2007

New "Ice Rink"

New "ice rink" open in Waffle Town

Hours 12-10

If you enjoy an ice rink...stop by!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

11 November 2007

Asstd hog bens at Marina

The Marina is re-selling hog bens as per demand

Get your self down there and buy buy buy

A good time for Sconus

Sconus Bagfield, treasurer

Hello citizens of Waffle Town, this is a friendly message!!!! Everything is going okay here at the treasury...we have gold and money here for Waffle Town services.

I have a good time being treasure man of town, I like to look after projects that people of Waffle Town have in mind....Would you say you enjoy your life here? I am helping that happen!!!!

Remember, when a street light needs assistance, or a man or woman needs car help, we are there.

From, the treasurer

06 November 2007

Returns for vacation

Mayor came back for vacation today...He wants to have a great time on vacation...The people say to him hey mayor why don't you do the vacation tomorrow...The mayor says mind your own business people...But is that the right attitude?!?!?!??????????

Uppy Puppy!

We saw the puppy! It was so much fun!!!!!!!!!!

29 October 2007

Deranged man hunting the square

Police on the lookout for the deranged man

He has heard about the square that binds everyone

You know, the one in Waffle Town!

Ha ha, not the "town square"

Come on, let's go!

When they came to the universe...

...they were very happy to find Waffle Town!!!!!!!

28 October 2007

It's Sunday in Waffle Town


23 October 2007

Big News!

Big News - Just got off the phone with Luppy: his wife decided they're gonna buy that parakeet. This is amazing! A parakeet....in Waffle Town! If you're excited, let us know! We'll print it here...in the Waffle Town Herald! Luppy's name for the parakeet is "Grob" and I think it's GREAT!!!!!!

Whelp Square Happenings

There's a party in Whelp Square this evening...

...I hope you'll join us.

16 October 2007

Bleach Kings descend

Bleach Kings Martin Hovvleroy and Jack Mandar are here in town to promote new product "Bleach Help". Let's have a rounding applause for these young entrepreneurs!

15 October 2007

The Circle of Life

Alenzander Hall

The Circle of Life meets again this year to discuss all things Waffle Town and their plans for Waffle Town and the world. For an informative discussion of where things are heading, please attend the meeting. Cuppocakes and juice packets for free, come one come all ok?

Blork Avenue

Have you ever been to Blork Avenue? It's where the moon mans live lol

12 October 2007

Over the river and through the woods...

To Waffle Town we go!
All right! It's Holiday Time in Waffle Town! Wreaths, spooky men, turkeys....it's that time of year!!!!!!!!!

11 October 2007

Planning the Meeting

We're gonna do this thing around e-i-g-h-t-o-c-l-o-c-k in the p-a-r-k-i-n-g lot. It's a big deal for Waffle Town, and it's a big deal for planet Earth.

08 October 2007

01 October 2007

Sunbeam Avenue Under Construction

Exciting news from downtown! Sunbeam Avenue (you know the one) is now under construction! Expect a fun new revamp! Good times in Waffle Town!!!!

24 September 2007


Visting hours Mental Hospital

5 0'clock

15 September 2007

Greetings from Waffle Town

Hello America, and a happy new year to all of you. We've been quite busy here in Waffle Town these past few days, readying ourselves for the ritual of the Archivist. There is a keen energy in the air...a certain something you won't find in your big cities. There is a warm feeling of the coming arrival. There is a warm feeling that you won't find if you live in an apartment or a duplex or an arcology. I don't think...I don't think you'll understand until you join us.

19 August 2007



13 August 2007

Thinking about the good times...

Once upon a time, a man came to a spot of land and made a town, and called it Waffle Town. I think it's time to honor that man now. What do you say? Say it loud.

Waffle Town happenin's

- Crossing guard needed on Oak and Durnham
- House of Muffin Square is open now
- haha

26 July 2007

Waffle Town Burn To Ground

Just Kidding Love Is Everywhere Now

07 July 2007



19 June 2007

Mailbox fixed

The mailbox on the corner of Lewis and Bargamore has been fixed

No more problems


16 June 2007

Lots of news....from Waffle Town!

- Bay Henry went for a wagon ride
- Mayor Kolasses signed in some new legislation...the legislation says crab legs 4 every1
- The town square is still the best
- Wagon wheels
- Everyone at Brookburg Building survived the fire...good news
- Happy days are ahead for Seamus the puppy...congratulations on your litter, Seamus
- Mrs. Prollingbeeg had a new baby!
- There is something waiting at the threshold of what we call "existence"
- Overalls costs only $5.00 at the Cabbage Corral
- Nineteen men are consumed by His vision
- Pork is free on Wednesdays
- Kitties and puppies....who doesn't love them?
- New stop signs on Pooger Avenue!

08 June 2007



Town square full of people, I sought the look of the LORD and found him in the gaze of a pauper and the sweet lips of young babes

It could only happen in Waffle Town

Looking for twist bags

Sharon Pobloms is looking for a twist bags 552-927-2877

03 June 2007

No more hog bens

The sale on hog bens is over

A postal office...

You know what is nice in Waffle Town? A postal office

It has mailbox

You can go there....and have a good time

Mr. Trab meets Mr. Garb

They are friends now. Updates soon.

01 June 2007

Mr. Tabe

Everyone knows Mr. Tabe is Wafle Twon. Everonye.

27 May 2007

strong man eats the paste

new headline, exciting news!!!!

Chim Rogers: A Profile

Chim Rogers, owner of Rogers & Rogers Hoot-and-Taffy Plant, sat down with me yesterday for an interview. Mr. Rogers, who immigrated to this beautiful country 18 years ago from his native Romania, has a long history in the hoot-and-taffy business. When he inquired as to the hoot-and-taffy capital of America, he was told, incorrectly, that it was our very own Waffle Town. When not baking taffy hobbs for the school luncheon, Mr. Rogers can be found driving his beautiful daughter to work in a very becoming yellow hatchback. I hope you've enjoyed this interview, and have a good day. Love, Tammy.

Man sells bag of dirt

at side-of-road
There was a man selling a bag of dirt
everyone said, "how much"

Answer soon more info. as follows

24 May 2007

Waffle Town Census

The Waffle Town census is upon us, readers. Make sure to be at home from the hours of 6am to 10pm every single day this week. It's for the good of your country, the good of your town, and the good of your eternal souls.

Musum Visit?

Planning a musum visit? Planning to see the monkey paintings? Planning to see the musum gallerys? There's no problem, make it happen!

23 May 2007

Making the candy wheel: a community prom-ject

Folks over at Applegrape Elementary are making a candy wheel for tomorrow night's prom!

Can you imagine sinking your teeth into it? This reporter sure can! Mmmm-mmmm!

We interviewed young Borgus MacDonald

"mmm" he sayed

"candy wheel!"

I can only agree with young Borgus

Stay tuned for updates on this exciting phenomenom

things are happening

crocodile in the pool
monster in the garage
deadliest in the catch
everybody's yelling

21 May 2007

Lookin thru the paper...

Lesse here...

pg 2 says Gen. Beauregard Chinnabokker has got loose again...how bout that..

pg 10, she says hog bens is on sale at Moffry's

pg 28 says a storm's a-comin' our way...put up them storm windas, folks

well, i'll see you on the funnie pages

20 May 2007

Pompadou Rosenberg eats the Hot Bacon

We have confirmation

Thank you

At the barber today

Reports are coming in that at the barber today Linda Johnberry got a HAIRCUT and read a magazine while waiting....no word yet on what magazine

we'll keep you updated?

19 May 2007

Bob Love....neighbor

Bob Love crossed the street this morning. He wanted some milk....

...and he got it. He got it so much.

Beautiful Home....Beautiful Life

Enjoy your stay: Waffle Town

The charming village of Waffle Town

Waffle Town U.S.A.

Population 1743

Home to annual crab contest

Home to beauty queen Doris "Perkins" Thompson

Stay and enjoy


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