21 February 2020
11 February 2020
06 February 2020
29 January 2020
This week's opinion was submitted by The Boar, so named because of her deformity.
20 January 2020
Leave a bit extra out on the curb tonight—you just might make an old man's day!
13 January 2020
17 September 2019
10 September 2019
30 August 2019
23 August 2019
15 August 2019
The director declined to thank residents for their understanding.
30 July 2019
16 July 2019
We'll go ahead and keep you folks updated.
10 July 2019
28 June 2019
24 June 2019
19 June 2019
09 June 2019
25 May 2019
17 May 2019
10 May 2019
06 May 2019
02 May 2019
Says Sheriff Ramage, "I don't care if it's a pleasant evening. I don't care if you've got something to celebrate. If you're going to make a ruckus, keep it indoors and close your dang windows."
28 April 2019
"I will keep them in a 'people zoo'. They will please me by just being." - Vagrant, unnamed
26 April 2019
24 April 2019
date: Tue, May 20, 2008 at 12:39 PM
subject: RE: blank files??
Until you decalcify tubes four and five, you're going to keep getting the same results. There's no way to bring this thing back - or forward - when impurities are keeping it in a single stream. Stream 4238.B Morrison (confirmed 2019) has been reached twice. 4821.B Morrison (2004?) is giving us a weak signal. Can you have Viv take a look?
One more thing: we found traces of winsome violet outside of Ferry's Farm, which means town square wasn't the only site of overlap. We don't know which stream it came from, but as long as it wasn't Precambrian we'll be fine, right?
22 April 2019
Note: Do not eat or drink anything in the hour before receiving your pain relief.
19 April 2019
Thanks, and this was the weather report from Tommy, age of thirteen.
16 April 2019
13 April 2019
10 April 2019
That's right: the Cranchmire Hotel (formerly Cranchmire & Sons Funeral Home) is officially welcoming guests, starting tomorrow!
Proprietor Marcie Groosevelt insists upon payment before allowing guests to take accommodations, so have that purse or wallet at the ready. As for pets? Forget about it, says Groosevelt, who loathes them and wishes sickness and pain upon them. Attempt to change her mind on the matter? Enjoy your night out on the curb, buster, because the only "turndown service" you can expect at the Cranchmire is being "turned down" when asking for a room!
07 April 2019
03 April 2019
31 March 2019
26 March 2019
12 March 2019
04 March 2019
22 February 2019
17 February 2019
01 February 2019
19 January 2019
15 January 2019
11 January 2019
07 January 2019
04 January 2019
01 January 2019
01 January 2018
Unfortunately, we were unable to locate the following file(s):
This is an automatically generated message. Please do not reply.
13 November 2017
09 November 2017
03 November 2017
26 October 2017
It is wondered often by house-dwellers, as well as shack-dwellers, what is to become of the molted husks. Wonder no more, says the mayor, who declined to comment further. The deputy mayor, whose name escapes me, lives at three-quarters speed and cannot be seen without proper equipment.
This week's opinion was, is, and forever shall be.
06 October 2017
03 October 2017
Meanwhile, on Quail Street, the wooden fence lining Mr. Wulftrammel's property was lightly damaged in what police suspect was "some after-curfew horseplay by local youths."
29 September 2017
†Stanton's brave mallard, not endemic to the area.
††Available for purchase at Progm* & Sons Housewares
26 September 2017
22 September 2017
06 August 2017
04 August 2017
There is nowhere in Waffle Town you will find a finer bed. There is nowhere in Waffle Town you will find a bed.
01 August 2017
28 July 2017
25 July 2017
22 July 2017
19 July 2017
15 July 2017
WTWN Radio extends its thanks to The Sumichrast Foundation, F.I.Y. Incongruities, V.H. Cantacuzino & Co., Acres Farms, and Sensational Seasonings GmbH for their ongoing sponsorship.
11 July 2017
05 July 2017
30 June 2017
28 June 2017
23 June 2017
17 June 2017
09 June 2017
- With cattle prices holding steady, farmers in the county's ever-troubled Small Toad Valley region may yet escape another season of privation and fruitless travail.
- In related news, cattle are illegal in Glum Gulch, and Ed's Bob now.
- Inclement weather prevented another company picnic in Waffle Town's Potswell Park; the gathering was relocated to the local bowling alley, with few injuries.
- "Ding, Dong," goes the new bell adorning Gentleman Gomez, the famous bell tower, and complaints about the volume are already pouring in.
- Hungry for life but hungrier for food, the county's homeless flocked to a "free pancake breakfast" where they were successfully rounded up for expulsion.
02 June 2017
Ms. Hoof, eighteen years a resident and twice a widow, plans to bring a touch of that worldliness, that je ne sais quoi* to her adopted hometown with a two-day cheese-tasting at the market, beginning this weekend. Eastman's Cheddar, Brownstone Brick, Zest of Marigold, and many other enchanting cheeses will be on offer. Don't be a stranger; Come on down!
30 May 2017
26 May 2017
Sez Payton Suggs, chairman of Police, Inc. (Not affiliated with the County Police or local Sheriff's Dept.): "Crime is down in Cruncher Hill, but not in Waffle Town." That's as may be, but we think this streetlamp will change things in our favor.
01 April 2017
02 March 2017
27 February 2017
24 February 2017
- The library will host another of their popular book donations tomorrow. All books, new or gently used, will be accepted—but no foul books, thank you.
- Shame on you for reading this!
- The pet store is being fumigated. Don't go in there!
- Shame on you for reading this!
- All are welcome to enjoy a game of Chess, and its popular variant Fast Chess, on the new stone Chess Board in Potswell Park.
- Shame on you for reading this!
- Fishermen, unhappy with their catches, plan to have a "fish swap" on Sunday morning.
- Shame on you for reading this!
21 February 2017
17 February 2017
15 February 2017
10 February 2017
08 February 2017
06 February 2017
04 February 2017
02 February 2017
31 January 2017
29 January 2017
- My friend, can Waffle Town tempt you with this offer?
- Bridger reports were not turned in on time. Sorry, Watson, Crumbler, & Watson clerical staff: you're fired.
- Frank & the kids, they're back from vacation.
- Chandler Harkle caught how many fishes? Oh My!
- Foul language is never to be used in
- Waffle Town
- Cruncher Hill
- Burough Acres
- Danielle's Dolphins out of business: dolphin stocks too low.
- What's Your Week?
- Hibbert Gumpton bludgeoned how many mules? Well done!
- What's Your Week?
- Down at the hole, the kids had fun!
27 January 2017
25 January 2017
God bless you all."
Editor's note: According to a recently-released study by researchers at the Institute, the bugs could someday control us.
18 January 2017
10 January 2017
03 January 2017
Thank you for your continued readership.
30 December 2016
28 December 2016
21 December 2016
19 December 2016
15 December 2016
- That crack in the sidewalk isn't going to fix itself! The mayor's office is still asking for volunteers to fix the broken walkway in front of Town Hall, since the only available construction crew "didn't feel like it."
- Precious Goblin, the unfortunately-named youngster who stole the town's heart at this summer's talent show, was detained for making sandwiches without a license.
- Paradoxical as it may seem, you have entered into a realm that lies beyond the grasp of the Creator.
- In a first for Waffle Town, resident Wilma Chadberry became the proud mother of quadruplets. She's expecting to keep all four.
- Brrr! It sure was cold today—so cold, in fact, that the polar bears at the zoo stopped begging to be killed.
13 December 2016
Corn sold well today in all markets. Prices are not expected to fluctuate, barring plague.
11 December 2016
07 December 2016
01 December 2016
Representatives from neighboring Borough Acres wish to welcome all Waffle Town dog owners to visit their dog park, which, as of this morning, was free of animal remains.
23 November 2016
Local health officials, in collaboration with "John Howard Shanks" of Tinto Corbago fame, are planning to launch a town-wide hygiene awareness campaign. How much soap do you use? Per year? Per month? Per day? Do you know what soap is? Where do you buy your soap? What's your favorite soap? Is it really your favorite soap? Look forward to answering these questions (mandatory) and more in the coming weeks.
20 November 2016
31 July 2016
18 July 2016
Don't be late! Else Crantz will become enraged, and the tremors will begin.
13 July 2016
Goodness, it's almost that time of year again: paint your wagons! Wagonfest, formerly Wagons-a-Go-Go, has been canceled due to lack of interest, but I'd sure appreciate it if you'd paint your wagons regardless.
Where's your hat? With the sun so bright and oppressive, not wearing a hat is downright foolish. How are you going to protect your head? Don't you know what you keep in your head, and how important it is? Do you want them to be able to see inside your head, with the bright light of the sun shining down on it?
Crime: who's committing it in Waffle Town? Silly Hank, a youth whose "footpath follies" gave many parkgoers a scare and earned him innumerable slaps, has been rightfully caned. Will he recover? The word on the street is: Who Cares?
Until next week,
Phil Kreame, DDS
Editor's Note: Around Town with Phil Kreame has been discontinued. Services for Mr. Kreame will be held this Friday at the First Church of Our Special Favorite.
05 July 2016
01 July 2016
21 June 2016
18 June 2016
14 June 2016
10 June 2016
Who left a well-used swivel chair on its side in the middle of the park? Police aren't sure, and they're asking anyone with information to come forward. Three miscreants were arrested in the aftermath of the chair's discovery, but they have since been released. Sheriff Ramage, however, is confident that it's only a matter of time until the culprit is found.
06 June 2016
Since Mr. Cranty had no living relatives, and since no friends or colleagues have come forward to arrange his funeral, he will be entombed within his one-room lakeside shack. Entombed along with him will be his doubtless plentiful observations about a changing Waffle Town, none of which he chose to share, all of which are now lost to time.
Gretchen Gharble, age 102, is now Waffle Town's oldest resident. We wish her luck.
01 June 2016
- Tonight at Town Hall, the merits of small orange pylons versus gargantuan stone pylons will be debated, and all are welcome to join.
- Hezekiah, it's time to come home.
- Where do all those uneaten pickles go? Staff at the diner tell us that they're fed to stray cats, who are not so appreciative.
- Summering in Waffle Town? Why not fall, winter, and spring in Waffle Town? You're welcome to stay.
- Town workers will remove the fire hydrant in front of the old tire shop tomorrow, because nobody cares if it burns down.
29 May 2016
Ms. Cloonts' system has already been adopted wholesale by the town council of Moosehead Hollow; will Waffle Town, she recently asked, be "forward-thinking" enough to follow?
26 May 2016
Upon inspection, the abandoned truck was found to be carrying several hundred loaves of bread, which, according to the officer on the scene, "tasted good", and have since been delivered to the supermarket for sale to the public.
23 May 2016
19 May 2016
16 May 2016
- Use your nouns! It's Noun Week, and that's county-wide.
- Schoolchildren can look forward to a bit of entertainment during lunch, courtesy of local favorite Crackers the Silly Clown.
- The trees are beginning to bloom, and you will be reminded of the impermanence of all things.
- Going for a drive? Starting this Wednesday, Prescott Road will once again be open to motor traffic.
- Folks who like to fish are in luck this week, as local entomologists have announced the discovery of a "massive worm surplus".
13 May 2016
1 post-hole digger
1 drill auger, many years old
1 wheelbarrow, red
1 wheelbarrow, unpainted
09 May 2016
05 May 2016
29 April 2016
27 April 2016
25 April 2016
23 April 2016
The Waffle Town Visitors' Vestibule, formerly the Waffle Town Welcome Shack, will soon be getting a second floor. A disused toll booth, found at the county dump and currently in the process of being refurbished, will be affixed to the roof of the existing building and made accessible via ladder. A display of taxidermied local wildlife is planned, as is an expansion of the mayoral portrait gallery.
Further details will be given at tonight's town meeting.
21 April 2016
19 April 2016
17 April 2016
- The warm weather led to many residents keeping their windows open this week, which in turn led to an increase in noise complaints.
- Some children made chalk drawings on the sidewalk outside their home. They were then scolded.
- Waffle Town was named the most wholesome town in the county for the 86th year in a row.
- All steel railings were removed from the church. No more steel railings.
- The town's coffers could receive a much-needed boost following news that Great Aunt Gladys died, having possibly named us in her will.
- A new mayor was chosen, obviating the need for a burdensome election process.
- Pipsy the Puppy is no longer with us.
15 April 2016
12 April 2016
07 April 2016
31 March 2016
29 March 2016
During last night's town meeting, it was mistakenly announced that cromus bindings would again be performed at Nitchfield this summer. Due to ongoing renovations at Nitchfield, they will instead be performed at Grimehauser, along with all previously-scheduled Sequence Two harmonies.
The town council apologizes for the error, and wishes to thank Elder Nineback for his wisdom and generosity.
24 March 2016
- Suit buttons
- The gentleman's mannered gait
21 March 2016
If you're interested in where to put the Old Birch Tree, please show up at eight and say your piece. If you don't particularly care, but are still interested in listening to a hearty debate, you're just as welcome.
Hot drinks will be served; cold drinks will be available from the vending machine on the second floor.
11 March 2016
07 March 2016
22 February 2016
13 February 2016
08 February 2016
04 February 2016
Yes, you can buy meat-balls from Crandall's food cart. Savory and nutritious, they are sure to satisfy. Why not try them on a roll or bun? Crandall operates his cart at all hours of the day, all days of the week, rain or shine. Ask for Crandall, ask for quality.
31 January 2016
- Beloved scamp Li'l Eddie is all grown up, and on Saturday he finally left home for the big city. He'll be off at college, studying important functions of the human brain.
- Pork-pie hats were on sale at Buggley Clothiers, and boy did they sell!
- Today's softball game was canceled after more than half of the available players revealed that they were not actually familiar with the sport.
- After last night's incident, the Waffle Town Philatelic Society will no longer be holding its bi-weekly meetings in the Happy Hamlet Retirement Community recreation room.
27 January 2016
23 January 2016
20 January 2016
The mayor's office is deeply saddened to announce the passing of County Comptroller and lifelong Waffle Town resident Templeton Gloam. Comptroller Gloam, 96, died peacefully in his bed this morning while surrounded by friends and loved ones, mere hours after being run over by a garbage truck. His decades of service to the community will not soon be forgotten.
17 January 2016
12 January 2016
Please arrive at a quarter to seven, and make sure to have clean hands. The class is free to attend, though Mr. Larry's popular pamphlet, "Making the Bird Acceptable", will be available for purchase.
07 January 2016
04 January 2016
27 December 2015
22 December 2015
19 December 2015
Boxing Day, which is not celebrated in Waffle Town, has been moved to the 27th. Just to be safe.
15 December 2015
At Mrs. Wickerbeet's request, her great-granddaughter, Hildy, will act as her temporary replacement. As Hildy is only seven years old, toy-shop patrons should not expect the same level of service that they are used to. Nevertheless, the staff asks that her efforts be praised effusively.
10 December 2015
07 December 2015
28 November 2015
- Nancy Elff won the pie-eating endurance contest
- The Singing Gents Quartet entertained passersby for over seven hours
- The Chess Club met in the park for their scheduled game
- Finroy's Children collected over $7500 in donations, plus three goats
- The Whittling Club whittled small figurines for over seven hours
There's more, but it isn't fit to print.
14 November 2015
Congratulations, Fred! You're the latest recipient of the "Waffle Town Weekly Whoopsie"!
12 November 2015
15 October 2015
27 September 2015
24 September 2015
22 September 2015
17 September 2015
15 September 2015
- Fences are finally coming down at Old Man Willeford's "Hoppin' Horse" Ranch. The horses are gone, but you can walk on the grass.
- Betty Ann dropped her glasses in the pond. Her boyfriend joked that he saw a fish wearing them, but a bystander later confirmed that this was actually the case.
14 September 2015
07 September 2015
Animal Control has promised to look into the situation, soon as they're done cleaning up the mess from last night's dog massacre.
03 September 2015
01 September 2015
28 August 2015
27 August 2015
If your paths do cross, give no alarm, but make haste instead to the Constable's office.
21 August 2015
The bidding is over, and the much-desired billboard space off Route 5 has been awarded to Waffle Town's very own Golden Apple Pest Control. It's estimated that as many as six motorists a day will pass by the billboard after it goes up next summer, and some of them just might be inspired to stop by our little town for a visit.
Let's all welcome them with open arms, and in the meantime congratulate Golden Apple Pest Control, who are this week's "Hometown Heroes"!
19 August 2015
18 August 2015
17 August 2015
Also, the mayor died.
20 June 2015
Over the past year, Acres Farms has purchased nearly five square miles of arable land in areas all over the county, as well as six factories, two cabins, and a pioneer cemetery. In a press release, the county treasurer's office once again assured the public that these sales are necessary to balance the budget. The mayor's office declined to make an official comment, only insisting that people "calm down."
10 June 2015
06 June 2015
You'll need a trash-burning permit to dispose of your refuse in this manner, for which you can find applications at town hall every day of the week. If you don't have a permit, you're going to have to send your trash off to the dump like the rest of us. It's the law!
05 June 2015
The Institute is hopeful that the residents of Oakerton Street will find this conclusion satisfactory.
26 May 2015
29 April 2015
26 April 2015
28 March 2015
21 March 2015
19 March 2015
16 March 2015
11 March 2015
21 February 2015
Tomatoes are limited to three per visitor. Latecomers should expect a long line. Don't forget to bring a bag or basket, and remember to bundle up: it's cold out there! No dogs allowed, as they can frighten the farm animals. No cats, either, as they can frighten the dogs. Please, use your best judgment when deciding whether or not to bring small children. Small children do not count as "visitors" with respect to the three-per-visitor limit. Mr. Sykes thanks you in advance for your compliance.
17 February 2015
01 February 2015
Come and ride a tractor. Come and pet one of two cows. Come and pick the apples you want to eat, instead of buying them pre-picked at the grocery store. Come and see how barns are painted. Come early, and you'll even get a chance to meet Old Mister, the famous horse.
I'll be there. Will you?
25 January 2015
14 January 2015
27 December 2014
Waffle Town is small. Life moves slowly here. The people here are small, too, and they also move slowly. Even when they're driving in their cars, they're moving pretty slowly, because the cars move slowly here in Waffle Town. On top of that, the cars are small. There are a lot of compact cars here in Waffle Town. They're small, like the people they carry, and the roads they travel on are small as well. No need for wide roads here in Waffle Town.
And you know what? That's what small-town life is all about.
17 December 2014
12 December 2014
30 November 2014
Customers of Bucksmith's Dry Goods, who have been buying Bucksmith's Homemade Dry Shampoo and Bucksmith's Hair Tonic as alternatives this week, should know that they will remain available and in healthy supply throughout the year. Shipments of Bucksmith's Fresh Powder, however, have been temporarily delayed, after a delivery truck was inadvertently sent to the wrong Waffle Town.
24 November 2014
23 November 2014
In the event that all seats have been claimed, further attendees will not be turned away, provided they have brought their own folding chairs. Folding chairs should not exceed thirty inches in height. Plastic folding chairs are preferred. Metal folding chairs are allowed, but must be fitted with rubber or felt leg tips. Metal folding chairs will be inspected for leg tips at the door. Extra leg tips will be available on-site, but quantities are limited and it is requested that, if necessary, guests pre-fit their metal folding chairs before arriving. Wooden "patio style" folding chairs that conform to the aforementioned height limits will also be allowed. For questions regarding other types of folding chairs, or folding chairs of unusual shape or width, please call the library's front desk.
18 November 2014
05 November 2014
The parks department will be installing signage in appropriate areas this weekend. Prospective warnings are "No Wading or Swimming", "Wade or Swim at Own Risk", and "Keep Out". Interested residents can vote for their favorite, or suggest their own, tonight at seven in room B of Town Hall. Refreshments will be served.
09 October 2014
06 October 2014
01 October 2014
All of Waffle Town extends its "hearty congratulations" to you, fellows!
28 September 2014
27 September 2014
What's the matter with today's youth?
When will the End come?
Where did the traveling salesman go?
Why isn't it raining constantly?
If you're confused about the state of things, you're not alone. Stay tuned to the news from Waffle Town for answers.
20 September 2014
10 September 2014
08 September 2014
People from all over Waffle Town were eager to tell stories of the assemblyman's kindness, wisdom, and generosity. Madeleine Phent of Phent Grocers remembers Mr. Crinkle as a frequent customer who once helped change her tire. "They don't make folks like him anymore," she said.
Assemblyman Crinkle, who turned 62 in January, is expected to return Wednesday from his trip to Italy.
06 September 2014
03 September 2014
30 August 2014
28 August 2014
19 July 2014
17 July 2014
27 October 2008
03 August 2008
30 July 2008
20 July 2008
16 July 2008
15 July 2008
13 July 2008
Isn't it amazing when the professional men and women are pleased by the geographical exactness of our fine town? Does it not make you happy, does it not help the sun to rise?
07 July 2008
05 July 2008
29 June 2008
15 June 2008
25 May 2008
17 May 2008
14 May 2008
10 May 2008
04 May 2008
01 May 2008
26 April 2008
18 April 2008
Do you want the life of another? Of course not!
Because you have Waffle Town to live in, it is so fulfilling.
- good streets
- good people
- good sales
- good bens
- good activities
- good community
Yes, all these things define Waffle Town quite well, you agree and are pleased.
Triumph for Waffle Town!
17 April 2008
15 April 2008
10 April 2008
06 April 2008
- lots of new mail
- so much old mail
- stamps are full price for the season
- envelopes are ready-made and can be yours today
- no more news
Waffle Town appreciates Mr. Reynolds-Jackson for keeping the people informed.
02 April 2008
25 March 2008
19 March 2008
01 March 2008
29 February 2008
24 February 2008
23 February 2008
17 February 2008
12 February 2008
08 February 2008
06 February 2008
04 February 2008
It was a clear day, the sun shining brightly, the birds chirping merrily, and the waters cool and crisp for a nice day of regatta sailery. Fun boats were seen, and there was a race! Peter 'Pete' Flemings, famous Waffle Town sailing enthusiast, was not available, but many brave contenders entered the race, some to win, others to lose, all to have a fun and good time sailing.
Gold Medal - Van Morton & "Sea Goose"
Silver Medal - Ievgeni Pultz & "Queen Mary II"
Bronze Medal - Marjorie Song-Hulimn & "Young Jarvis"
Congratulations from Waffle Town to these fine winners and their wonderful boats!
01 February 2008
When I think about friendship...and good people...happiness is everywhere!!!!