Small-Town Life

Waffle Town is small. Life moves slowly here. The people here are small, too, and they also move slowly. Even when they're driving in their cars, they're moving pretty slowly, because the cars move slowly here in Waffle Town. On top of that, the cars are small. There are a lot of compact cars here in Waffle Town. They're small, like the people they carry, and the roads they travel on are small as well. No need for wide roads here in Waffle Town.

And you know what? That's what small-town life is all about.

It's Fruitless

Whoever has been planting banana trees in Grampus Park, please stop. They cannot grow in this climate.

Christmas Trees, Please

YOU WANT THEM - WE HAVE THEM says the hand-painted sign in the middle of town square, where local entrepreneur Larry Goog, well known for his corner juice carts, has received permission to sell Christmas trees for the remainder of the month. Mr. Goog says he's excited to save residents the hassle of a trip to Burough Acres, long the site of the county's only tree farm. On the origin of his valuable stockpile Mr. Goog declined to comment, only expressing confidence that it contains trees of every size and shape customers might need, and adding that pre-decorated trees are also available for a small extra fee.

Shampoo Shortage Ends

Bottled shampoo is once again available at the supermarket, nearly a week after a delivery truck was inadvertently sent to the wrong Waffle Town. The existence of another Waffle Town was news to many residents, and the mayor's office was quick to insist that it is far away, of no consequence, and need not be spoken of again.

Customers of Bucksmith's Dry Goods, who have been buying Bucksmith's Homemade Dry Shampoo and Bucksmith's Hair Tonic as alternatives this week, should know that they will remain available and in healthy supply throughout the year. Shipments of Bucksmith's Fresh Powder, however, have been temporarily delayed, after a delivery truck was inadvertently sent to the wrong Waffle Town.

Today's Announcement

The mayor's office would like to remind everyone that while life is worth living, we should not get carried away with our enthusiasm for it.

The Allure of Fantasy

Celebrated fantasy novelist Renata Gravelstein will be at Waffle Town Public Library tomorrow to read from her new story collection Window, Window. Seating will be provided for thirty attendees.

In the event that all seats have been claimed, further attendees will not be turned away, provided they have brought their own folding chairs. Folding chairs should not exceed thirty inches in height. Plastic folding chairs are preferred. Metal folding chairs are allowed, but must be fitted with rubber or felt leg tips. Metal folding chairs will be inspected for leg tips at the door. Extra leg tips will be available on-site, but quantities are limited and it is requested that, if necessary, guests pre-fit their metal folding chairs before arriving. Wooden "patio style" folding chairs that conform to the aforementioned height limits will also be allowed. For questions regarding other types of folding chairs, or folding chairs of unusual shape or width, please call the library's front desk.

Hats for Men

If you are interested in hats, be aware that Sigmund Clothiers will be having a sale on men's hats tomorrow. All hats were hand-made in Waffle Town by elderly volunteers.

Stay Out of the Swamp

Headed to the swamp on your day off? Bad idea, says a new study from the Institute. Quality testing by experienced scientists revealed unexpectedly high numbers of Type IIIc monoflagellate, H-bound ribosoid, and protein bicuspoid bioforms in the waters of Waffle Town's outlying marshlands. Levels were found to be highest in Bunk Swamp, a popular destination for hikers since the extinction of the Bunk family in 1971.

The parks department will be installing signage in appropriate areas this weekend. Prospective warnings are "No Wading or Swimming", "Wade or Swim at Own Risk", and "Keep Out". Interested residents can vote for their favorite, or suggest their own, tonight at seven in room B of Town Hall. Refreshments will be served.

Friendly Shadows

New streetlamps are going to be installed on Philo Avenue this week. They will almost certainly cast a harsher light than you are used to, but don't be frightened! There is nothing hiding in the new shadows.

In other news, Old Fred has finally left town.

Feed Upon Me. Grow Fat on My Milk.

These are the thoughts of the cows of Waffle Town.

Creek Champs

Local favorites Derek and Mayhew Finnegan have won the "Canoe the Creek Challenge" for a second year in a row. When asked about their victory, Derek claimed to be "thrilled", while Mayhew only smiled and offered a "thumbs up" gesture.

All of Waffle Town extends its "hearty congratulations" to you, fellows!

Groomsman Flees

A groomsman fled the well-attended Burberry-Fife wedding this afternoon, taking with him the yet-to-be-thrown bouquet. Lawrence Nichols, a friend of the groom, ran from Sacred Unity Church without explanation and was last seen heading north on Vorpal Street. He is not considered dangerous and has no history of mental illness. The newlyweds are asking Waffle Town residents for any help in locating Mr. Nichols, while Sheriff Ramage has agreed to provide a $500 reward for any information leading to his return, dead or alive.

The State of Things

Who stole Mr. Willoughby's favorite dog?
What's the matter with today's youth?
When will the End come?
Where did the traveling salesman go?
Why isn't it raining constantly?

If you're confused about the state of things, you're not alone. Stay tuned to the news from Waffle Town for answers.

The Best Medicine

Local funnyman Elbow Danner is at it again. Danner, who made headlines last year when he violated the town's anti-heresy ordinance, will be flaying and roasting a goat in Potswell Park before tomorrow afternoon's softball game. "I think this'll speak for itself," said the irreverent comedian. All residents are encouraged to stop by for food and fun.

Let Them Kick It to You

The town kickball league is looking for volunteers to pitch in tomorrow night's game, since Larry is sick with shingles. Inquire at Dougie's Pool Hall. Thanks.

Crinkle Memories

Assemblyman Warren Crinkle, a lifelong resident of Waffle Town, is being remembered today by friends, family, and strangers alike. "He was always a good man, a large-hearted man," said colleague Ellen Roorscoot, who added that the assemblyman never missed a day of work in his long career. Mr. Crinkle's daughter, Tina Crinkle-Smythe, said of her father, "He was such an inspiration when I was growing up. I can't begin to imagine life without him."

People from all over Waffle Town were eager to tell stories of the assemblyman's kindness, wisdom, and generosity. Madeleine Phent of Phent Grocers remembers Mr. Crinkle as a frequent customer who once helped change her tire. "They don't make folks like him anymore," she said.

Assemblyman Crinkle, who turned 62 in January, is expected to return Wednesday from his trip to Italy.

The Future

57% of polled Waffle Town residents say they are worried about the future. The mayor's office would like to remind everyone that worrying will not solve anyone's problems.

Market Meeting

Waffle Town resident Gladys Buckle says that she ran into old friend Mitsy Bennings at the supermarket this past tuesday. The two, who had not seen one another in several years, spent around ten minutes in friendly conversation before promising to meet for lunch at a later date. Ms. Buckle says Mitsy is "doing well."

Crickheimer's Elementary Monknight

The Waffle Town Repertory Theatre wishes to announce that it is seeking experienced actors to play the role of Old Slauson in its upcoming production of Crickheimer's Elementary Monknight. Applicants should contact Mr. Jasper at extension 53 and prepare at least two energetic monologues.

Let's Go to the Beach

Beach days at Lake Kilo will be ending in two weeks' time. With fall approaching, the parks department has announced that the shores of Waffle Town's largest lake will soon be closed to the public. Please act quickly if you or your family had been planning or have had intentions to plan a summer beach outing.

Lake Kilo, known for its midnight-blue waters, draws visitors from tens of miles each summer. Access to the lake for leisure, non-governmental, and non-religious purposes is restricted outside of the warmer months. Henderson Wibb of the parks department insists that, while this is for the safety of both human visitors and the lake's wildlife, it is not related to any unsubstantiated rumors about a lake monster. 

Rumors from Glum Gulch

According to unverified reports, nearby Glum Gulch has dealt with a troublesome drifter by way of public hanging. The unnamed drifter is said to have been behind the distribution of a transgressive apple pie recipe.

Reconquest of Paradise

Pardon me; I was not in the Home for Mentally Ill