Health Department Recommends Taking it Easy

With temperatures on the rise, county health officials are advising residents to forgo their strenuous tasks in favor of rest and relaxation. Laboring out of doors? Take a breather. Errands to run? They can wait. Sit on the porch and enjoy a cool beverage. There's nothing to worry about, and there will never be anything to worry about.

A Tragic Turnaround

After a stunning defeat at the hands of Coldthorpe Technical, Dan "Can" Fellows and his "Welders on the Bushel" were eliminated from this season's championship round. They will be reevaluated, and if found to be beyond help, gassed.

Local Business Celebrates Fifty Years

Town fixture Heckley's Hardware enters its fiftieth year of serving the needs of our community this month. Owner Morton Heckley opened the store when he was but twenty-one, and can still be found behind the front counter every day of the week. We asked Mr. Heckley if he'd like to share a few words to mark the occasion, and he was happy to oblige.

"I still remember where I was," said Mr. Heckley, "when the thought first occured to me. 'Open up a hardware store,' a voice seemed to say. Clear as that. Clear as that. Truth be told, I was never that handy. Hadn't even swung a hammer 'til I was seventeen, eighteen abouts, and my father, who worked at a desk, wore a tie and everything, 'til he thought to build a trellis for the garden. Mother always wanted one. Anyway, I was made to help out, though I would've offered regardless. I wouldn't say it was formative, but it introduced me to working with my hands. I continued to consider law school. Here, my parents did little to encourage me. Don't get me wrong: they would've been supportive. Moral support, at least. But facts were facts, and could they afford the tuition? Probably not. Could I? God knows. Looking back, I can't tell you why I thought of law school to begin with. The germ was just there, in the back of mind. My uncle, great-uncle, he was a lawyer. I think the idea came from the word; my imagination built a possible future on the foundation of that word. Is this making sense? I think we understand the word incorrectly, as a youth we do, I mean, or if not incorrectly then in a skewed sort of manner. Then we, our imaginations, they grow around it. Is this making sense? So, maybe I didn't want to be a lawyer, but I had the idea of 'lawyer', the word, in my head, and that was the trail my mind followed. As a youth, anyway. I wasn't called to it. I wasn't called like I was to opening a hardware store. That's what happened. A voice, not a voice like a talking voice, a voice you felt like a vibration in your bones, your skull, it said 'Open up a hardware store,' just like that. No explanation for it. Who can explain it? I've got my health, I've got my mental health. These things just happen, and I'm not too much of a believer, so I won't comment as to that. But it happened. That's another idea, you know, like the lawyer idea, that the imagination can build on, but I was what, I was twenty-one, and there's that clarity you have as an adult. You speak the world's language. So I told my father about the voice and he wasn't a big talker, not too silent, but not a big talker. And we discussed it, matter of fact like, the possibility of opening a store, I mean. He told me to talk to the neighbor across the street, old fellow, Mr. Polk, never did know what he did for a living as a youth but it turned out he owned a hardware store next town over. Mr. Polk, he must've been ninety at the time, but he could talk. He could talk. 'Every town needs one,' he told me, 'so you're doing your duty and you're safe.' Safe or secure, he said. He wanted to emphasize that it wasn't fleeting, I mean. So he says to me I'll be safe, or secure, and then he tells me his own story, and I'll never forget this, 'I was drifting', he says, 'from town to town, state to state, and this was after my home got knocked flat by a tornado. And I'm taking that like a message from God, because the other explanations, they'll drive you to the madhouse. I drifted for a couple of years, doing odd jobs as I found them, until one day I heard a voice: "Open up a hardware store," it said to me.' Now you can imagine what I felt, the chill that ran down my spine, when he said these words. He had heard the voice, too. He was called. And I confided with him, and he could see how his story shook me, so I confided with him about hearing the words, and he nodded. That's all, just nodded. We discussed it no further. And truth be told, I never saw him again, never visited, never told him about the store after I opened it. I figured he knew. He could've seen my destiny, the trajectory of my life, drawn out before him the moment he knew I was called. So, he knew I opened the store, that I'm sure of."

Our thanks to Mr. Heckley for his time.

Welcome Up, Welcome Down

The Waffle Town Visitors' Vestibule, formerly the Waffle Town Welcome Shack, will soon be getting a second floor. A disused toll booth, found at the county dump and currently in the process of being refurbished, will be affixed to the roof of the existing building and made accessible via ladder. A display of taxidermied local wildlife is planned, as is an expansion of the mayoral portrait gallery.

Further details will be given at tonight's town meeting.

You Will Stop Shooting Badgers

Sheriff Ramage is putting an immediate and indefinite stop to badger hunting, following news that badger populations across the county have fallen to record lows. The badger, assumed to be a large member of the rodent family, is critically important to the local ecosystem in its role as the main predator of invasive species like the greater berryskink and whip-chancer wheelfly.

Spurréd Boots Barred from Milk Bar

Gentlemen in spurréd boots are no longer welcome in Mabel's Milk Bar, its fine hardwood floors having suffered "scuffs and scrapes both frequent and violent," according to owner Mabel Muzzy. Footwear may be removed before entering, but slippers will not be provided. Patrons who disagree with the new rule are invited to take their business—and their spurs—to Snyder's Milk Bar, down the road.

Your Weekly News Roundup

• The warm weather led to many residents keeping their windows open this week, which in turn led to an increase in noise complaints.
• Some children made chalk drawings on the sidewalk outside their home. They were then scolded.
• Waffle Town was named the most wholesome town in the county for the 86th year in a row.
• All steel railings were removed from the church. No more steel railings.
• The town's coffers could receive a much-needed boost following news that Great Aunt Gladys died, having possibly named us in her will.
• A new mayor was chosen, obviating the need for a burdensome election process.
• Pipsy the Puppy is no longer with us.

You Want Beetles? They've Got Beetles!

Of course we're talking about the Rolling Beetle Museum, which you can visit on Peach Street on Monday, Apple Street on Tuesday, Pear Street on Wednesday, and then never again.

Unpleasant Business in Neighboring Village

Over 50 employees were evacuated from the chemical plant in Burough Acres this morning after reports of fluid leaking from a storage tank. Though the suspected leak was eventually found to originate from a spilled can of carbonated soft-drink, county officials insist that they are taking no chances with public safety, and have ordered the surrounding woodland defoliated and all plant personnel trucked across state lines for extended decontamination. 

Any Waffle Town residents who were in Burough Acres at the time of the incident are being asked to remain there for the indefinite future.

There is Nothing to Worry About

Patrons of Budgeon Farm's roadside stand report that the new crop of apples have a metallic taste to them. After several letters and complaints, we reached out to Farmer Budgeon, who assured us that that was intended.

Old Shoe Found

How lonely it must feel without its companion.