Groomsman Flees

A groomsman fled the well-attended Burberry-Fife wedding this afternoon, taking with him the yet-to-be-thrown bouquet. Lawrence Nichols, a friend of the groom, ran from Sacred Unity Church without explanation and was last seen heading north on Vorpal Street. He is not considered dangerous and has no history of mental illness. The newlyweds are asking Waffle Town residents for any help in locating Mr. Nichols, while Sheriff Ramage has agreed to provide a $500 reward for any information leading to his return, dead or alive.

The State of Things

Who stole Mr. Willoughby's favorite dog?
What's the matter with today's youth?
When will the End come?
Where did the traveling salesman go?
Why isn't it raining constantly?

If you're confused about the state of things, you're not alone. Stay tuned to the news from Waffle Town for answers.

The Best Medicine

Local funnyman Elbow Danner is at it again. Danner, who made headlines last year when he violated the town's anti-heresy ordinance, will be flaying and roasting a goat in Potswell Park before tomorrow afternoon's softball game. "I think this'll speak for itself," said the irreverent comedian. All residents are encouraged to stop by for food and fun.

Let Them Kick It to You

The town kickball league is looking for volunteers to pitch in tomorrow night's game, since Larry is sick with shingles. Inquire at Dougie's Pool Hall. Thanks.

Crinkle Memories

Assemblyman Warren Crinkle, a lifelong resident of Waffle Town, is being remembered today by friends, family, and strangers alike. "He was always a good man, a large-hearted man," said colleague Ellen Roorscoot, who added that the assemblyman never missed a day of work in his long career. Mr. Crinkle's daughter, Tina Crinkle-Smythe, said of her father, "He was such an inspiration when I was growing up. I can't begin to imagine life without him."

People from all over Waffle Town were eager to tell stories of the assemblyman's kindness, wisdom, and generosity. Madeleine Phent of Phent Grocers remembers Mr. Crinkle as a frequent customer who once helped change her tire. "They don't make folks like him anymore," she said.

Assemblyman Crinkle, who turned 62 in January, is expected to return Wednesday from his trip to Italy.

The Future

57% of polled Waffle Town residents say they are worried about the future. The mayor's office would like to remind everyone that worrying will not solve anyone's problems.

Market Meeting

Waffle Town resident Gladys Buckle says that she ran into old friend Mitsy Bennings at the supermarket this past tuesday. The two, who had not seen one another in several years, spent around ten minutes in friendly conversation before promising to meet for lunch at a later date. Ms. Buckle says Mitsy is "doing well."