27 February 2017

Cool Graves? Announcement Perplexes Many

This morning, the mayor's office issued a demand for "cool graves". With further explanation yet to be given, local headstone supplier Jiff's Quality Headstones has begun prototyping some eye-catching new designs for spring.

24 February 2017

What's Happening This Weekend...In Waffle Town?

  • The library will host another of their popular book donations tomorrow. All books, new or gently used, will be accepted—but no foul books, thank you.
  • Shame on you for reading this!
  • The pet store is being fumigated. Don't go in there!
  • Shame on you for reading this!
  • All are welcome to enjoy a game of Chess, and its popular variant Fast Chess, on the new stone Chess Board in Potswell Park.
  • Shame on you for reading this!
  • Fishermen, unhappy with their catches, plan to have a "fish swap" on Sunday morning.
  • Shame on you for reading this!

21 February 2017

This Isn't News

Local housepet Choopers Grunkus was run over by a milk truck this morning. His remains were donated to Greasy Frank's All-Night Soup Kitchen in Cruncher Hill.

17 February 2017

Gloon Night

Remember that it's Gloon Night. Leave your lights off if you expect a blessing.

15 February 2017

For Three Days, the Snow Stays

Hickam Street remains unplowed for a third day in a row. Unapologetically obstinate, plowman Peter "Pete" Palaver refuses to act until Abel Gitney, Hickam Street resident and notorious layabout, agrees to return his belt sander. Professional mediation is being considered, in lieu of finding room in the budget to hire an outside snow-removal service.

10 February 2017

Congratulations to Bingo Winner Lilian Lloydscarfe

A hearty congratulations to Happy Hamlet Retirement Community resident Lilian Lloydscarfe for winning this afternoon's "TGI Funday" bingo game. Her rewards are a gift certificate redeemable at the cafeteria's dessert booth ($10 value) and a promise from the staff to look into why her closet door seems to be growing a quarter-inch wider every night.

08 February 2017

Coins Found

Cooper Huggins found a couple of nickels on the floor beside the Town Hall vending machine. If you have reason to think that they might be yours, you can claim them at the desk tomorrow morning. If unclaimed by closing, they'll be added to the Fix-the-Roof fund.

06 February 2017

County News Bulletin

Community outreach programs in Moosehead Hollow will be suspended indefinitely after analysis of recent census data revealed that 92% of the town's area is populated only by cows.

04 February 2017

Flea Market to Draw Weekend Crowds

Come on down to Potswell Park, where today and tomorrow you can enjoy an open-air "flea's market" in the traditional Waffle Town style. By popular demand, Doris Ann will be selling homemade denim slacks in two colors, while Farmer Friffs will offer a spread of toothsome juices, squeezed only recently. What else awaits the eager customer? There's only one way to find out.

02 February 2017

Well Well

It's official: the old well is safe to use again! Following a long series of tests, the health department is now reasonably certain that drinking the water will no longer induce night terrors.