27 December 2015

Ploake Yen Shot Down

Town Council has voted against a proposal to change Waffle Town's name to Ploake Yen. The change, proposed last month by town resident Florence Bailer, would have required too many expensive alterations to existing maps and signposts.

22 December 2015

Announcement: Contest Winner

This year's contest winner is Enid Sprankle, 93. Congratulations on winning the contest, Enid.

19 December 2015

Holidays On the Move!

Since the Cabal has ordained that the Ritual of the Archivist must begin this coming week, Christmas has been rescheduled for the 26th. Please adjust your plans accordingly; non-compliance will be met with swift and severe action.

Boxing Day, which is not celebrated in Waffle Town, has been moved to the 27th. Just to be safe.

15 December 2015

No Can Do

Mrs. Wickerbeet, who usually wraps gifts at the toy shop, will not be able to fulfill her duties this Christmas season. A flare-up of rheumatism that sent the beloved nonagenarian to the clinic last night will also keep her away from the wrapping table for the remainder of the year.

At Mrs. Wickerbeet's request, her great-granddaughter, Hildy, will act as her temporary replacement. As Hildy is only seven years old, toy-shop patrons should not expect the same level of service that they are used to. Nevertheless, the staff asks that her efforts be praised effusively.

10 December 2015

Come on Down and Lend a Hand

Park Service is asking for volunteers to help collect oak-tree shavings tomorrow afternoon. You can inquire in the morning at Town Hall by going to the front desk and asking for Bev. If Bev isn't there, ask for Glen. If Glen isn't there, you're too early; they don't get in until nine.

Rakes will be supplied, but you'll have to bring your own lunch. You'll also have to eat it while you work, since you'll be on a tight schedule. Thank you in advance.

07 December 2015

Danger!

Bad news from our neighbors in Glum Gulch: poison is everywhere, perhaps even in your own pantry! 

Keep an eye out for bottles marked with the image of a human skull, for these usually contain poison. And whatever you do, don't pour their contents into your drinking water, no matter how much the sweet relief of death may tempt you. Have a safe night!

28 November 2015

Welcome to the Accomplishments

This week's Waffle Town "Certified" Accomplishments include:


  • Nancy Elff won the pie-eating endurance contest
  • The Singing Gents Quartet entertained passersby for over seven hours
  • The Chess Club met in the park for their scheduled game
  • Finroy's Children collected over $7500 in donations, plus three goats
  • The Whittling Club whittled small figurines for over seven hours


There's more, but it isn't fit to print.

14 November 2015

Blue Plates and Soul Mates

All our town's lonely hearts are welcome to join the Singles Meet-N-Greet going on right this instant at Cramble's Country Diner. An announcement would have been posted earlier, but owner Fred Cramble forgot to send one in this morning.

Congratulations, Fred! You're the latest recipient of the "Waffle Town Weekly Whoopsie"!

12 November 2015

Did You Carve Your Pumpkin?

It's the month of November, and Pumpkin-Carving Contest Day is almost upon us. Remember to bring your carved pumpkins ("Pumpkin Johnnies") to town square this weekend, and remember to decorate them with festive designs that celebrate the coming harvest. Will your pumpkin be impressive enough to win the contest? If it is, you could win an apple basket or a ragdoll for your child.

15 October 2015

That Message You Were Asking for, The One About the Tile Floor

People claim to be able to perceive messages in the tile floor of the Historical Society's storage room, but I myself cannot.

27 September 2015

Let's Eat Out

This weekend, Doris "Cathy" Gamper had the honor of being the first Waffle Town resident to dine at Chateau Framboise, the new French restaurant in Cruncher Hill. She describes her experience as "nice" and assures us that the food was "good," the wine was "good," the décor was "interesting," the service was "really nice," and the atmosphere was "interesting." Be sure to look for Ms. Gamper's full review in tomorrow's edition of The Waffle Town Bee.

24 September 2015

Cat Parade Canceled

Today's cat parade is canceled on account of not enough cats.

22 September 2015

Happy Heads in Waffle Town

Wendell Jinger - not Wendell Jinger, Sr., so don't worry - is offering haircuts on the corner of Maple & Eisenstein all day today, right out there in front of the Jinger newsstand. Get your hair cut out in the sun for the price of $10 (boys), $12 (girls), $20 (men), no women (no women), $18 (livestock), or free (clergy). Get out there in the beautiful sun, get a haircut. Get yourself a paper when you're done, and God bless you. (Wendell Jinger wrote this.)

17 September 2015

Hold On, Hammy

Message to Hammy: Don't put up those new "Welcome to Waffle Town" signs 'til next Friday at the earliest. We wanna keep out the riff-raff for a few more days. Thanks.

- Management

15 September 2015

Uplifting News to Fill the Pews

- The shelter is overflowing with puppies, and has decided to give back to the community by giving some away. Come on over and get a free puppy tomorrow; no limit per customer!

- Fences are finally coming down at Old Man Willeford's "Hoppin' Horse" Ranch. The horses are gone, but you can walk on the grass.

- Betty Ann dropped her glasses in the pond. Her boyfriend joked that he saw a fish wearing them, but a bystander later confirmed that this was actually the case.

14 September 2015

Attention All

A message from interim mayor Millicent Yatkins: Stop using the word "glom" in public. It's foul.

07 September 2015

Bregman's Bread: Probably Safe?

None of the bobcats that were living in the abandoned Bregman's Bread factory have been seen for a few days. It's probably safe to go in there now, but there isn't much reason to since all the bread is gone. If you're gonna, just try not to climb into any of the machinery. It's old.

Animal Control has promised to look into the situation, soon as they're done cleaning up the mess from last night's dog massacre.

03 September 2015

Droning at Six

Keep your ears open for tonight's droning. It starts at six sharp, and tardiness will NOT be tolerated!

01 September 2015

Welcome, Kola Birds

It's a birdwatcher's paradise in Potswell Park today, where pileated kola birds flit from branch to branch, reticulated kola birds build nests from twigs and cicada shells, and nobleman's lovely kola birds enchant all in earshot with their haunting song. As ever, they're joined by the mock kola birds - not birds at all, in fact - which will accompany them all the way to Patagonia, picking off stragglers and helping themselves to the occasional egg. 

You guessed it: the kola birds are here again, having made their way to Waffle Town on the first leg of their journey south. As the sun sets on another summer, birdwatchers and birdcollectors are "flocking" to Waffle Town's plentiful wooded areas, where they will enjoy two weeks (but no more, by law) of our feathered visitors' egg-laying and tree-squatting antics. 

It's long been the dream of many a birdsman to convince the kola birds to stay and become a native species; thus far, no attempts at communication have yielded a satisfactory result. 

28 August 2015

Porridge by the Sea to End

After ten years of work towards the betterment of the underprivileged and those laid low by hunger, the celebrated Porridge by the Sea charity program will soon be coming to an end. Founder Dorothea Putnick-Shambalón cites "lack of funding, distance to sea, and cetera" as reasons for the closure, but that's not how you say it, Dorothea.

27 August 2015

A Very Unusual Fellow

Police are on the lookout for a man of halting speech and strange countenance. His unsettling gaze pierces the soul, yet his eye betrays no life. Mark his curled lip and consumptive pallor. It is said that an unearthly chill follows in his wake, as does the most curious odour of lilacs and coming snow.

If your paths do cross, give no alarm, but make haste instead to the Constable's office.

21 August 2015

Billboard Bid to Bring Boffo Business?

The bidding is over, and the much-desired billboard space off Route 5 has been awarded to Waffle Town's very own Golden Apple Pest Control. It's estimated that as many as six motorists a day will pass by the billboard after it goes up next summer, and some of them just might be inspired to stop by our little town for a visit.

Let's all welcome them with open arms, and in the meantime congratulate Golden Apple Pest Control, who are this week's "Hometown Heroes"!

19 August 2015

Service Restored

Telephone service has been restored to all areas south of M'Gumley farm. Last night's outage is now understood to have been caused by one of Farmer M'Gumley's cows chewing through the phone line that runs across his property. We're happy to report that the offending cow has been disciplined.

18 August 2015

A New Chunk Lump's

Chunk Lump's is opening a new location in the old ticket booth behind the roller rink. Soft stews will be served, as well as the famous "gravy gobble".

17 August 2015

Please Stop Looking

The Chickateo family, of Addison Street, would like to publicly ask their neighbors and fellow townsfolk to end the well-meaning but futile search for their missing dog, Rooney. As it has been over five days since Rooney was given his heart medication, there is no longer any hope for his survival. The Chickateo family expressed their gratitude for everyone's time, efforts, kind words, and prayers, but now wish to move forward in privacy.

Also, the mayor died.

20 June 2015

Acres Farms Acquires Old Mill

Multistate agricultural concern Acres Farms has agreed to purchase the historic "Old Mill" at Catchapenny Creek for an undisclosed sum. The sale of the mill has been a hotly-debated subject at town meetings for the past month, with Waffle Town Historical Society president Vivian Henshaw calling it an "affront", an "outrage", an "enormity", and, occasionally, a "sin".

Over the past year, Acres Farms has purchased nearly five square miles of arable land in areas all over the county, as well as six factories, two cabins, and a pioneer cemetery. In a press release, the county treasurer's office once again assured the public that these sales are necessary to balance the budget. The mayor's office declined to make an official comment, only insisting that people "calm down."

10 June 2015

The Night Times

Hello and good evening. We have been authorized to interrupt your normal nightly routine for an important bulletin: corn patties will be free at Hucker's tomorrow.

06 June 2015

Don't Burn It Without a Permit

Starting a trash fire this weekend? That's perfectly fine - assuming you have a permit!

You'll need a trash-burning permit to dispose of your refuse in this manner, for which you can find applications at town hall every day of the week. If you don't have a permit, you're going to have to send your trash off to the dump like the rest of us. It's the law!

05 June 2015

The Hum

It appears that the confused residents of Oakerton Street finally have an explanation for the "low and mysterious hum" they've reported hearing at all hours of the day since early January. A team of researchers from the Institute spent the past week investigating the source of the strange noise and are confident in their conclusion that there is, in fact, no noise at all. "Our instruments are calibrated to the most exacting tolerances," said a representative, "and they detected nothing out of the ordinary."

The Institute is hopeful that the residents of Oakerton Street will find this conclusion satisfactory.

26 May 2015

Keys Please

Attention Waffle Town resident Lewis Hibby: your grandmother lost her car keys again and needs help finding them. Please call her when you get the chance.

29 April 2015

No Worries

As you climb into your bed tonight, rest easy in the knowledge that Waffle Town is safe: it's been over twelve years since our last rabid dog attack.

26 April 2015

From Sweden

Some officials from Sweden will be visiting Waffle Town this week. The mayor's office implores all residents to be on their best behavior while these foreign sophisticates make use of our humble hamlet.

28 March 2015

Red Mailboxes to Go

After years of campaigning by concerned citizens, red mailboxes will soon be illegal in Waffle Town. Homeowners have until June 1st to remove or repaint their red mailboxes or else face a fine and possible jail time. Mail will still be delivered to homes with red mailboxes until that date, but only reluctantly.

21 March 2015

Ill Tidings

News from out of town: the maplewheat harvest has failed again. Is this the work of mischievous spirits, some wonder. None could say but the Oracle, and she is long passed.

19 March 2015

Trouble in Cribbage Road

There is a deer standing in the middle of Cribbage Road, blocking traffic and refusing to move when prompted. It does not seem to know where it wants to go or what it wants to do with itself. Drastic action may soon need to be taken.

If you have any ideas on how to help, or believe you can somehow communicate with this deer, please contact animal control within the next ten minutes. 

16 March 2015

Corn

Today, corn is on sale. It's at the market, and you can find it in aisle two. Please stop sending e-mail asking about the availability of corn.

11 March 2015

The Conscience of a Nation

It was 75 years ago today that state senator (2nd district) Merle Pepper gave a celebrated speech at town hall in which he said that Waffle Town had "the potential to become the conscience of a nation." Many saw this as pandering to voters; others called it a comical overstatement; a few, though, took the late senator at his word, and dreamed of future greatness for their tiny town. It is the official position of the Waffle Town News staff that these latter few were correct.

Do you agree that Waffle Town has fulfilled its promise? Share your thoughts by sending us an e-mail at wafnewsstaff.waffletown@staff.waffletown.us.gov

Please do not share your thoughts in the comment section. The comment section is not for your opinions.

21 February 2015

Free Tomatoes: Come and Get Them

Willoughby Sykes will be handing out free tomatoes on his porch this evening, starting around five. No need to be a friend, or even an acquaintance, to get a tomato of your own, although good friends will be served first, with the expectation that strangers and passing acquaintances will understand.

Tomatoes are limited to three per visitor. Latecomers should expect a long line. Don't forget to bring a bag or basket, and remember to bundle up: it's cold out there! No dogs allowed, as they can frighten the farm animals.  No cats, either, as they can frighten the dogs. Please, use your best judgment when deciding whether or not to bring small children. Small children do not count as "visitors" with respect to the three-per-visitor limit. Mr. Sykes thanks you in advance for your compliance.

17 February 2015

Yum Yum

Today, county jail will be serving rat soup for lunch and burnt toast for dinner.

Don't like it? Tough.




This message was brought to you by the sheriff's department.

01 February 2015

Fam Feb Farm Fair

This Friday, all are invited to the Famous February Farm Fair at Fairacre Farms. A longstanding tradition, the Fair has provided enjoyment and education to the people of Waffle Town for generations.

Come and ride a tractor. Come and pet one of two cows. Come and pick the apples you want to eat, instead of buying them pre-picked at the grocery store. Come and see how barns are painted. Come early, and you'll even get a chance to meet Old Mister, the famous horse.

I'll be there. Will you?

25 January 2015

Indexing

We're trying to find files 4, 71, and 22b. Thanks.

- Staff

14 January 2015

A Friend Has Returned

Fun Sam, beloved delivery man, has returned to Waffle Town after a long absence and plans to pick up right where he left off. "Things will be back to normal next week," he says. Place all your orders on the bulletin board in town hall, and remember to specify color and quantity!