Light News for Your Funday

• The "fence hooligan" appears to be "at it" again; check your fences to see if they have been broken or vandalized. 
• He (The Man) will be selling peat by the barrow-load from out the barn. Do not forgo this timely offer.
• There is no more news.

Did You Expect This Month to Be One for Horsing Off?

Are you not familiar with the reputation of the working folk of Waffle Town? Did you mean to suggest that there'd be nothing doing come June? Whence came to you to such a notion? Have you not eyes? Ears? What a fool you are. What a miserable little creature you have shown yourself to be.

A Word of Warning!

Citizens caught engaging in "horror-terror" activities will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

Light News for Your Monday

An offer for free piano lessons was posted to the town hall corkboard by person unknown. It does not list a telephone number. Leave your information with Judy at the front desk and you will be contacted if the mystery poster makes a return.

Meanwhile, Animal Control asks that those who reside south of Filch Creek be on the lookout for hogs what got loose overnight.

Thank you.

Flesh of YOUR Flesh! Bone of YOUR Bones!

In Waffle Town you can share! You can share everything, even your body, even your thoughts, even your memories! There is no difference between one Waffle Town citizen and the other! Not in spirit, not in body!

No Funny Business, No Foolin'

Reports of tractors running well on into the night "of their own accord" can now be explained by way of meteorological phenomena. Scientists from the Institute spoke with local landowners and laid out in great detail why things that seem as though they should not be in fact are, and the landowners are said to be satisfied with what they were told.

This reporter's opinion? That's great!

Farewell, O Shoe Polishing Stand

The "famous" shoe-polishing stand on Buckle Street will soon be no more, as town officials have reached by unanimous vote a decision to sell it for firewood at six dollars a plank. Uncle Hobert, who ruined himself with drink, abandoned his station at the shoe-polishing stand some ten years ago and has not been seen since.

Rats in the Streets

We're very sorry, Waffle Town reader, but there are rats in the streets. God forgive us.

Youths, You May Not Climb the Water Tower

Following last night's broken-femur foofaraw, Sheriff Ramage would like to remind the aimless youths of Waffle Town that it is forbidden to climb the water tower, and that any and all persons—indeed any and all of persons of any age—who are caught climbing the water tower will be subject to a public shaming at Sourpuss Junction.

Corn... On the Go!

Farmer Terry is "pleased and proud" to announce a new healthful treat on offer at his farmstand this coming spring, and that it is called "corn-upon-stick" and will be served with butter on request. Salt, too, is offered.

Opinion: Hotel Flesh is Real

Everyone who slept in the old hotel left a piece of their soul-skin there; this idea cannot be dismissed. They told me to leave the meeting at Town Hall, and I said okay, fine. They told me not to hand out my leaflets, and I soiled myself in protest. Don't you understand that God is under the earth, making Its spirals, squirming and aching. If I could paint what I see when I dream, if I could only, and if I could. What are we but a buildup of coulds.

This week's opinion was submitted by The Boar, so named because of her deformity.

Mr. Grover Fascinated by Garbage

Who's that picking up garbage around town? And why does he keep putting it back down?

Local curiosity "Mr. Grover" is understood to have taken an interest in garbage, and citizens are asked to leave him be; after all, "it's only garbage," says the Mayor.

Leave a bit extra out on the curb tonight—you just might make an old man's day!

We Have Finally Disposed of That Rotting Horse

You may resume fishing at the pond now.

New Disease Discovered!

"Unusual and Dangerous Protrusions from Skull"

Old Mule Dead; None Mourn

Who could possibly have cared about that old mule? If the whispers shared among the townsfolk are to be believed, nobody! Nobody cared for the old creature! Nobody can even muster up the energy to kick its corpse! Rot in hell, you old mule!

Lawnmower Needed

If anyone is free on Sunday to mow the lawn at the old Hacklout House (where the parson died), it'd be most welcome. Please and thank you.

WHEAT!

We are growing it! IN WAFFLE TOWN!

There is No Up

Don't forget to swing by Town Hall for tonight's debate on whether the sky is made of air or of invisible, silent bricks of a substance called Phluron, currently unknown to science.

There's Been a Delay, Sez Transpo Director

Director of Transportation Morton Gomez acknowledged this morning that there has been a delay, that the department is looking into the delay, and that no further questions regarding the delay are necessary.

The director declined to thank residents for their understanding.

Memo from Upper Management

Waffle Town reader, it is very important that you check under your desk lamp for possible tampering.

Tractors on the Move

The local economy looks to be on the upswing following news that Earl-Carl Jeffers has already sold three tractors this year, up from last year's respectable two. Farming-equipment mainstays Dumfries & Hartigan, meanwhile, sold a whopping four tractors in June alone, in addition to three compact utility tractors.

We'll go ahead and keep you folks updated.

I am Tired of Correcting You

For the last time, it is Waffle Town, not Waffleton. This shouldn't be confusing. They barely even have any cows in Waffleton.

Who's That Standing on Peach Street?

It sure isn't Farmer Wyatt, because he is at home with his wife. And yet it does look like Farmer Wyatt. Enough to be his brother, his twin. Isn't that Farmer Wyatt's favorite red shirt that he's wearing? That scar on his chin, too, is unmistakable. But it cannot be Farmer Wyatt, because he is at home with his wife.

Single-Question Survey

The mayor's office wants to know: Have you made up your mind to be annihilated?

Sorry! We're Closed

As we are currently being fumigated, Waffle Town will be closed to visitors for the remainder of the week.

No Sharks in Creek, Say Eggheads

Sightings of "fins" are but folly, claim scientists from the Institute, who hope to put to rest "ignorant" rumors of incongruous aquafauna in Waffle Town's own Catchapenny Creek. Speaking through an interpreter, an Institute representative assured reporters that the creek offers neither the depth nor the salinity to allow such creatures to exist, much less thrive.

Summon the boy.

Let him know that we must talk about what was left in the forge.

Zoo's Favorite Gorilla Contemplates Escape

Friendly Roy, a favorite at the local zoo, is understood to be contemplating escape—according to his keepers, at least. Should we not indulge him? After all, what is a gorilla but an unusual man with hidden priorities?

A Message from the Mayor's Office, to Our Reporters

Not too much news for the little piggies!

Not too much news, now!

We wouldn't want to spoil them!

Vast Treasures!

A hole here, a hole there; holes are appearing all over Waffle Town as treasure hunters, armed with metal detectors and a taste for adventure, set to work searching for the innumerable golden nuggets said to be buried throughout the town by crazed miners during our brief turn-of-the-century precious-metals boom. Whether these myths are based in reality—they aren't—is irrelevant, as these treasure hunters, in their folly, are only helping Waffle Town meet this year's "hole quota".

Close Your Windows

The sun has barely set on Waffle Town, but the sheriff's department has already received several noise complaints.

Says Sheriff Ramage, "I don't care if it's a pleasant evening. I don't care if you've got something to celebrate. If you're going to make a ruckus, keep it indoors and close your dang windows."

Folk'll Talk: Sunday Edition

"Dogs shouldn't have last names. They haven't earned that right." - Minnie Hudgkins, age 12

"A war will be fought in the sky, but not by men." - Abel Cloney, local favorite

"Farmer Mabel's maple syrup is so good, she oughta be called Farmer Maple!" - Pansy McDonagh, baker

"I will keep them in a 'people zoo'. They will please me by just being." - Vagrant, unnamed

Special Announcement

The mayor's office would like to remind everyone that neither money nor love will save you from the next world or follow you into it.

from: Olli Lancoste
to: quincy.waffle@waffleheritage.gov
date: Tue, May 20, 2008 at 12:39 PM
subject: RE: blank files??
mailed-by: crm82.pdososrv.net

Dave,

Until you decalcify tubes four and five, you're going to keep getting the same results. There's no way to bring this thing back - or forward - when impurities are keeping it in a single stream. Stream 4238.B Morrison (confirmed 2019) has been reached twice. 4821.B Morrison (2004?) is giving us a weak signal. Can you have Viv take a look?

One more thing: we found traces of winsome violet outside of Ferry's Farm, which means town square wasn't the only site of overlap. We don't know which stream it came from, but as long as it wasn't Precambrian we'll be fine, right?

The Pain Van: Coming to Cure "What Ails Ya"

If you're a Waffle Town resident who experiences severe leg or back pain, you're in luck! Today at noon, the famous Pain Van will be making its bi-annual trip to Waffle Town. Just ring your dinner bell as the van approaches and remain seated as the certified painfellows give you a thorough once-over.

Note: Do not eat or drink anything in the hour before receiving your pain relief.

Today's Weather

Like a hammer to a nail, rain continues to hammer down on Waffle Town with unrelentingness, resembling a portrait someone would paint of a rainy village. Rain is good for crops, sure, if they're wanting to grow, but it's also bad for people. Because it gets 'em wet, and they don't like it. If there's gonna be rain, I think it should be on a hot day, so we can cool off!

Thanks, and this was the weather report from Tommy, age of thirteen.

Free Eye Exams

Great news for Waffle Town's rheumiest: Ethel Gardenia is back to offering free eye exams. While unable to give out prescriptions, Ms. Gardenia is ready to offer close approximations and general advice. Knock on the back door of her house between noon and sundown for an appointment.

Town Council Approves Construction of New Ziggurat

Foundation to be laid this fall. Hail, hail.

Wanna Stay? Gotta Pay!

Visitors to Waffle Town, take heart! Get off of that "friend's couch", that "park bench"! The "hotel" is open!

That's right: the Cranchmire Hotel (formerly Cranchmire & Sons Funeral Home) is officially welcoming guests, starting tomorrow!

Proprietor Marcie Groosevelt insists upon payment before allowing guests to take accommodations, so have that purse or wallet at the ready. As for pets? Forget about it, says Groosevelt, who loathes them and wishes sickness and pain upon them. Attempt to change her mind on the matter? Enjoy your night out on the curb, buster, because the only "turndown service" you can expect at the Cranchmire is being "turned down" when asking for a room!

Just in from the Mayor's Office

For the crime of imitating humans (who were formed in His image), all "talking" birds will be destroyed.

Culinary Trend Comes to Waffle Town

"Pizza", a food popular with young persons and made with three ingredients, will be more readily available in Waffle Town this summer. It seems that a pair of colorful out-of-towners have recently purchased the old hog shack and plan to have it turned into a "pizza restaurant" come June. Glenn over at Town Hall is considering updating the town map, but "probably won't."

Where's Waffletown or Is It Waffle Town

Where is it, Help me find it

Power's Out Again

Lookin' like them Jasper boys done tried to run too many saws at once, and I told 'em, and now we got the power out. And who's gonna have to go down the holler tell them Jasper boys but me, and as I said I'm the one told 'em. And who else? Who else but Merle? Boys ain't fit to use a saw, I told 'em at the head office.

- Merle (head engineer)

Thank You for Your Support

The Waffle Town Historical Society wishes to extend its thanks to all who donated in its recent fundraiser. Unfortunately, the pile of donation money was accidentally left out in the rain, causing it to washed into a storm drain and assumed permanently lost. Demolition of the historic clock tower will continue as planned, making room for a paid public toilet.

In the Barn

Despite what the farmer thought he heard, there was nobody in the barn tonight. The cows were alone; they had no visitor, human or otherwise. The farmer went to bed ready for uneasy dreams. His wife, absorbed in her knitting, thought briefly of their son. He was born with a deformity, the kind which, not a century ago, would provoke his parents, if not the entire community, to leave him to the elements. The doctors did what they could at the time, and though his scars were mostly faded, his left eye still drooped. He moved to Cruncher Hill, married, and started a family. None of his children knew what he used to be.

A Note from Your Friends in Waffle Town!

We chopped down that tree you loved! It's dead!!!

A Warning to the Curious

Residents of Waffle Town are strongly discouraged from visiting the Brickbarge coal mine after another disappearance this week. The mine, which was closed and subsequently flooded almost forty years ago, is an increasingly popular destination for adventurous hikers and youths who should be at home studying. The parks department maintains that swimming is strictly prohibited, and that no hidden treasure, no long-buried artifact, no comely-crooning mermaid can be worth a dive into those murky waters.

Waffle Town Welcome Wednesdays to Fridays

To better accommodate the changing of the seasons, Waffle Town Welcome Wednesdays will now take place on Fridays. Fracas Fridays, previously taking place on Fridays, will become Wruckus Wrednesdays, and will no longer feature Marvin, or the snakes.

So Much Talk About the Moose Lately

According to Animal Control, and we're talking about Darryl from Animal Control, Darryl with the hair, and anyway—listen, the thing is, Darryl's been talking up this moose, and on and on, and at this point? At this point, I figure, who cares? It's a moose. It's big, sure. Sure, it's big. And did it come from the zoo? Somebody's collection? You know they got those, those big city fellers with those private, what are they called, private zoos is the term I'm [We can't print this. Who sent this in? Cut it. -- Ed.]

In Order to Move to Waffle Town

In order to move to Waffle Town you must have long legs and long, strong arms. You must have long limbs, long ones. There is nothing to be done with the insufficient of limb.

Your Beef Minute

Beef production was up this week thanks to eager staff at Pravis Farm, who rely on quality quick-cutting machetes made right here in Waffle Town, by my husband. Thank you for stopping by to get up to speed with this week's Beef Minute.

Clarification

The "headless dog" mentioned in this week's Waffle Town Bee ("Hi-Jinks Ensue at Preacher Crockton's", p. 14) was a dog that had been decapitated, not a dog composed of two back ends.

Homemade Lipstick Popular in Waffle Town

Made from "good" and "non-toxic" ingredients, Miss Winifred Cannon's pocket-tubes of homemade lipstick have garnered great attention since appearing on market shelves this week. Market manager Randall Goodcrooks claims to have already sold "severals" of the hand-crafted cosmetic, and is already preparing to place a second order—an "admittedly laborious" process. Will this surge in popularity send Miss Cannon's creation to the big city? Only time will tell.

Garbage Pickup Delayed This Week

Garbage pickup has been rescheduled for Friday on account of the inclement weather what has visited us in these last, these miserable few days. Direct grievances and jeremiads to B. Gomez, Town Hall, extension 12.

Admin Year End Reformat Request Results

"Year End Reformat" was completed successfully.

Unfortunately, we were unable to locate the following file(s):

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apology_councilman.doc
apology_court_bailiff.doc
apple_shortage.doc
archivist_return.doc
ask_abigail.doc
ask_ethelred.doc
asstd_grains.doc
chrysanthemums.doc 
finroy_legacy.doc
grain_shortage.doc
grain_shortage_revised.doc
inexpensive_hay.doc
mayor_requests.doc
mayor_spacetime.doc
mayor_zoo_visit.doc
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new_life_old_horses.doc
pork_illness.doc
program_grid.doc
quarry_chanting_ignore.doc
repaving_again.doc
repo_tractors.doc
road_closure.doc
sandwich_shop_new_fixings.doc
street_closure.doc
tractor_sale.doc
wheres_melba.doc
wt_celebrates_20_yr.doc
wt_celebrates_25_yr.doc
wt_clothed_animal_ordinance.doc
wt_dog_police.doc
wt_garbage_removal.doc
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wt_juniper_bush.doc
wt_no_survivors.doc
wt_park_potluck.doc
wt_zoo_incident.doc
void_nova.doc
zoo_closed_cleaning.doc

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Today's Tidbit

The folks in Waffle Town love to see a colossal beast.

Don't Be Confused By Our Traditions

What's that hanging from the water tower? Why, it's just a teddy bear, just a children's teddy bear! That's the tradition here in Waffle Town: we hang a teddy bear from the water tower to celebrate the start of a new season. This year's new season is Crontus, during which we will celebrate the life of Emilia Crontus-Hucks, wife of Waffle Town's 16th mayor, Ransom Hucks. Look to the teddy bear, feel good, think about Emilia Crontus-Hucks, and your life may be spared.

Crime!

Those new crime statistics are in, and they've really got people talking. In an unexpected twist, it appears that "big" crimes, such as horse theft, are down, while "little" crimes, such as dog theft, are on the rise. Outside experts brought in to explain these trends suspect that our unusually warm autumn has unbalanced the population's humors.

Opinion: Degreasings Do Not Occur Often Enough for My Liking

When the Founders were first lubricating the Great Machine, and many gears and moving parts were first interlocking and making intimates of one another, great and many sounds were heard echoing through the valleys and forests, many of which still exist, some of which contain secrets.

It is wondered often by house-dwellers, as well as shack-dwellers, what is to become of the molted husks. Wonder no more, says the mayor, who declined to comment further. The deputy mayor, whose name escapes me, lives at three-quarters speed and cannot be seen without proper equipment.

This week's opinion was, is, and forever shall be.

The Special Thanks

Many special thanks to The Hand of Friendly for their work on this year's Glimmerton Potluck. Chicken skins were half off and your own skin will be half off.

A Fence Update for Your Tuesday

After much discussion, Farmers Renston and Hoyst have decided that the new fence separating their land will be 4 feet 8 inches in height, 2 inches above the town minimum.

Meanwhile, on Quail Street, the wooden fence lining Mr. Wulftrammel's property was lightly damaged in what police suspect was "some after-curfew horseplay by local youths."

Don't Feed Those Ducks, Say Animal Experts

Thinking about going down to the duck pond and feeding bread to the friendly waterfowl? Think again, say local ornithologists. Whole wheat bread, as well as its popular cousin whole grain bread, are as good as poisonous to all but one species of duck†, and any well-meaning animal lovers would do well to keep them in the breadboxes†† on their kitchen counters, where they belong.


†Stanton's brave mallard, not endemic to the area.
††Available for purchase at Progm* & Sons Housewares


*Pronounced "Prome"

Opinion: Let's Move Past Petty Politics

It's been interesting to see, with increasing frequency these past weeks, certain residents of our town voicing their unfavorable opinions about a certain other resident. I think you'll all know the parties to whom I'm referring.

Sure, it'd be easy to say, "That's just the way it is!" or, "Well, what can you do?" To that attitude, all I can muster for a response is this: Oh, brother. 

And yes, that pun is intended.

What has happened to that old Waffle Town spirit? Are we really going to let something like this lead us to bickering like washerwomen, grumbling under our breath, looking over our shoulder every time we think we hear footsteps? Is it really true that there "isn't any reason" to do "the things that need to be done," as certain people suggested at last night's town council meeting? 

My grandfather, may he rest in peace, used to have a saying: If there ain't no water in the well, you drink from the creek. Fellow citizens of Waffle Town, I hope you'll join me down at the creek. Drinks are on me.

This week's opinion was submitted by Abner Pulskin, of Pulskin All-County Realty.

Important Update Regarding the Future of Waffle Town

Patsy Craven, owner of Goodtime Farmer's Market, confirmed today that the market will no longer be carrying Aunt Hester's Lemon Snacks. Any Waffle Town residents looking for the popular treat will have to visit Old Governor's Homemade Eats, located just outside of Borough Acres.

A Call for Unity in a Time of Hardship

We've just received word that the street sweeper is broken, and probably beyond repair. Get those brooms out, folks: this'll be a team effort.

A Word from Our Sponsors at Allegheny Beds

For precision comfort, purchase Allegheny Beds. Accept no substitute for these fine beds—or you will be struck mad for your transgression.

There is nowhere in Waffle Town you will find a finer bed. There is nowhere in Waffle Town you will find a bed.

Historical Site to Receive Tasteful Facelift

The Historical Society announced today that they are ready to move ahead with renovations on the home of Waffle Town founder Mocus Finroy, now that proper permits have been granted and the project has received the Thousand Blessings of the Cabal. The Finroy House, which welcomes scores of schoolchildren and curious adults each year, is expected to be closed for at least two months.

RUMMAGE SALE

Drag yourself to Gertie's rummage sale. There will be trinkets. There will be plenty of foolish filth with which you might busy yourself. Bring goods for barter. Your money will not be accepted. You foul ape. You cur.

It's Raining Cats and Dogs Out There

Due to heavy rains which have already caused several minor traffic accidents, the sheriff's department is advising motorists to stay off the roads this morning unless travel is absolutely necessary. All residents should also be aware that while there has been some flooding, it is not the fulfillment of prophecy.

Got 'Em Cramps

Cincy said Jarrell got 'em cramps. Jarrell can't but lie down with them cramps. What's a boy to do, and the priest was there, and Charles.

Talent Show Deadline Looms

Any Waffle Town residents still interested in performing in the annual Talent Show have until noon on Friday to submit their applications. Please remember to describe your talent in as much detail as you can manage, and please remember that your talent CANNOT involve snakes or any other sort of serpents. Applications can still be obtained at Town Hall. Ask for Grover L. (Not Grover S.)

Mellow Mornings on WTWN Radio

WTWN Radio (AM 870) is proud to announce the return of Mellow Mornings, the pleasant wake-me-up chat show formerly hosted by Donnelly St. Douglas, God rest him. Join new host Brian Honrets every morning from 5:15 to "When the Coffee's Run Out" for light conservation and wholesome observations. Scheduled for Monday: your recipes, and a talk with Farmer Gomez.

WTWN Radio extends its thanks to The Sumichrast Foundation, F.I.Y. Incongruities, V.H. Cantacuzino & Co., Acres Farms, and Sensational Seasonings GmbH for their ongoing sponsorship.

A Thought for Your Afternoon

The mayor's office would like all citizens of Waffle Town, upon seeing flattened remains on the side of the road, to consider the abject terror that was the final, paralyzing experience of the hapless animal before it was crudely bisected.

Equipment Wanted

Farmer Jenks is looking to buy or barter for a tiller, one in decent shape, on account of his own tiller, which has served him nobly, has begun to show its age. He'd be willing to trade ten of his chickens, or maybe two of his goats. Farmer Jenks is also interested in getting his hands on a small-caliber rifle to take care of his rabbit problem. Failing that, he'd gladly pay to learn how to communicate with the rabbits, in order to warn them against future trespass.

The Train Has Left the Station

Rudegeair's Rootin' Tootin' Rideable Railroad, the novelty miniature train maintained by Old Mr. Rudegeair of the Gumper Junction Rudegeairs, will cease operations today after fifty-odd years of entertaining the youth of Waffle Town. Said the proprietor, "In the twilight of my life I find myself without direction or purpose, and to continue operating a small electric train would be a shameful hypocrisy." We can only agree, and wish Old Mr. Rudegeair the best of luck on his next journey.

Public Notice from Dr. Crampton, the Animal Surgeon

Come on and take these containers away, boy. I've got too much horse poison.

Roaring Fire a Roaring Success

Despite a sweltering evening heat, the crowds were happy to come out for the annual bonfire last night. Providing this year's Honored Kindling was the sty in which prize hog Beryl farrowed her litter of future ribbon-earners. The festivities even drew visitors from out of town: a resident of Blueberry Stockdale confided that Waffle Town "sure knows how to burn things." Blueberry Stockdale, wonderful Blueberry Stockdale. Miles away, but its shadow is very long. How it seems to hover above its fellows, contented and serene, like the wise man on the mountaintop. How the very earth beneath our feet seems to bear our resentment. The fruit of the vine is bitter with it. The crops are deformed by it. Why, it's enough to drive a person mad.

In the Interest of Safety

Representatives from the Institute suggest that all county residents should be aware of unnatural voids. While they insist that there is no cause for alarm, it is in the interest of personal and public safety that all residents are able to distinguish between natural and unnatural voids, and that any unnatural voids be reported to the Institute immediately upon discovery.

Info on the Go: Your Weekly News Minute

• With cattle prices holding steady, farmers in the county's ever-troubled Small Toad Valley region may yet escape another season of privation and fruitless travail. 
• In related news, cattle are illegal in Glum Gulch, and Ed's Bob now. 
• Inclement weather prevented another company picnic in Waffle Town's Potswell Park; the gathering was relocated to the local bowling alley, with few injuries. 
• "Ding, Dong," goes the new bell adorning Gentleman Gomez, the famous bell tower, and complaints about the volume are already pouring in.
• Hungry for life but hungrier for food, the county's homeless flocked to a "free pancake breakfast" where they were successfully rounded up for expulsion. 

Cheese, Please: A Treat for Town Tastebuds

Cheese-tasting: urbane, sophisticated, even European. But does it belong in Waffle Town? Yes, says local grocer Mary-Betsy Hoof.

Ms. Hoof, eighteen years a resident and twice a widow, plans to bring a touch of that worldliness, that je ne sais quoi* to her adopted hometown with a two-day cheese-tasting at the market, beginning this weekend. Eastman's Cheddar, Brownstone Brick, Zest of Marigold, and many other enchanting cheeses will be on offer. Don't be a stranger; Come on down!

*French

[redacted]

[redacted]

Brutes Not Beyond Saving, Say Docs

Hospital staff are pleased to announce that the family of nameless mountain-dwellers who arrived in town last month have successfully acclimatized to Waffle Town's elevation. They will eventually be installed in groundskeeping positions and are expected to travel the county for education and entertainment purposes as soon as they can be taught human speech.

New Light, Real Bright, That's Right

The new streetlamp—and she's a beaut'—has been installed on the corner of Huckafelt and Yam, casting a soothing light on what had recently become a popular location for unseemly nighttime business. Right-thinking persons will no longer have anything to fear, and Mr. Crannaday expects to resume his storied night-jaunts immediately.

Sez Payton Suggs, chairman of Police, Inc. (Not affiliated with the County Police or local Sheriff's Dept.): "Crime is down in Cruncher Hill, but not in Waffle Town." That's as may be, but we think this streetlamp will change things in our favor.

Oodles of Poodle Noodles

That's right: the animal shelter is full to bursting with the skulls of euthanized dogs, and they're offering them to anyone who stops by, on a first-come, first-serve basis. Decorating your garage? Decorating your barn? Decorating your bedroom? Drop in and take a look at what Dr. Franck Godd and his family of sister-nurses have to share with the community.

Cool Graves? Announcement Perplexes Many

This morning, the mayor's office issued a demand for "cool graves". With further explanation yet to be given, local headstone supplier Jiff's Quality Headstones has begun prototyping some eye-catching new designs for spring.

What's Happening This Weekend...In Waffle Town?

• The library will host another of their popular book donations tomorrow. All books, new or gently used, will be accepted—but no foul books, thank you.
• Shame on you for reading this!
• The pet store is being fumigated. Don't go in there!
• Shame on you for reading this!
• All are welcome to enjoy a game of Chess, and its popular variant Fast Chess, on the new stone Chess Board in Potswell Park.
• Shame on you for reading this!
• Fishermen, unhappy with their catches, plan to have a "fish swap" on Sunday morning.
• Shame on you for reading this!

This Isn't News

Local housepet Choopers Grunkus was run over by a milk truck this morning. His remains were donated to Greasy Frank's All-Night Soup Kitchen in Cruncher Hill.

Gloon Night

Remember that it's Gloon Night. Leave your lights off if you expect a blessing.

For Three Days, the Snow Stays

Hickam Street remains unplowed for a third day in a row. Unapologetically obstinate, plowman Peter "Pete" Palaver refuses to act until Abel Gitney, Hickam Street resident and notorious layabout, agrees to return his belt sander. Professional mediation is being considered, in lieu of finding room in the budget to hire an outside snow-removal service.

Congratulations to Bingo Winner Lilian Lloydscarfe

A hearty congratulations to Happy Hamlet Retirement Community resident Lilian Lloydscarfe for winning this afternoon's "TGI Funday" bingo game. Her rewards are a gift certificate redeemable at the cafeteria's dessert booth ($10 value) and a promise from the staff to look into why her closet door seems to be growing a quarter-inch wider every night.

Coins Found

Cooper Huggins found a couple of nickels on the floor beside the Town Hall vending machine. If you have reason to think that they might be yours, you can claim them at the desk tomorrow morning. If unclaimed by closing, they'll be added to the Fix-the-Roof fund.

County News Bulletin

Community outreach programs in Moosehead Hollow will be suspended indefinitely after analysis of recent census data revealed that 92% of the town's area is populated only by cows.

Flea Market to Draw Weekend Crowds

Come on down to Potswell Park, where today and tomorrow you can enjoy an open-air "flea's market" in the traditional Waffle Town style. By popular demand, Doris Ann will be selling homemade denim slacks in two colors, while Farmer Friffs will offer a spread of toothsome juices, squeezed only recently. What else awaits the eager customer? There's only one way to find out.

Well Well

It's official: the old well is safe to use again! Following a long series of tests, the health department is now reasonably certain that drinking the water will no longer induce night terrors.

There Will Be No Forgiveness

The mayor's office would like to remind everyone that there will be no forgiveness for any who miss Sheriff Ramage's talk at Town Hall tonight. Topics will include the recreational use of aspirin and parking meter abuse. Refreshments to be provided by Grover's Morsels.

What's Your Week?

• My friend, can Waffle Town tempt you with this offer?
• Bridger reports were not turned in on time. Sorry, Watson, Crumbler, & Watson clerical staff: you're fired.
• Frank & the kids, they're back from vacation.
• Chandler Harkle caught how many fishes? Oh My!
• Foul language is never to be used in
• Waffle Town
• Cruncher Hill
• Burough Acres
• 
  
• Danielle's Dolphins out of business: dolphin stocks too low.
• What's Your Week?
• Hibbert Gumpton bludgeoned how many mules? Well done!
• What's Your Week?
•  Down at the hole, the kids had fun!
•  
• 
  

Is There Ringing In Your Ears

Glaav walked home in the fog today, not sure where he was, but certain he was on the right track, because the cracks in the sidewalk looooked familiar. He was sure he knew the pattern. His house might have shifted slightly to the west, but our reporters were unable to verify that. Now, on to the next news, it was a good day for the town clerk, whose name we've forgotten.

A Message from the Head Exterminator

"In spite of our best efforts to destroy them, it appears that the bugs remain, and perhaps even thrive, in Waffle Town. Though they travel underfoot, and hide in every corner, please take comfort in knowing that they can never control us.

God bless you all."


Editor's note: According to a recently-released study by researchers at the Institute, the bugs could someday control us.

Why?

Here in Waffle Town, we know why. We can even tell you why. All you need to do is come a little closer. Don't be afraid. Just move closer, steadily, and when you see the cave, go into the cave.

Uh Oh! Broadcast Canceled!

Tonight's scheduled broadcast of the opening chapter of A Biscuit for Sergeant Monday has been canceled because Ms. Pinefeather has come down with a sore throat. Some speculate, though, that Ms. Pinefeather simply doesn't exist.

The Dawn of a New Age for Waffle Town

Editor's note: Due to a misunderstanding, an article entitled "The Dawn of a New Age for Waffle Town" was allowed to be published directly by its author, bypassing our normal editorial standards. Though it was removed swiftly, some readers may have been able to access the article, and to them, the entire editorial staff extends its sincerest apologies. Rest assured: no changes are coming or will ever come to Waffle Town. 

Thank you for your continued readership.

A Tantamount for Cats?

Local crackpot Phyllis Tinge is imploring town council to institute a "tantamount for cats" [sic] before the start of the new year, though she is unable to explain exactly what that means. She claims that if her pleas continue to be ignored, "extreme measures" may have to be taken. What does that mean, exactly? Ms. Tinge could not be reached for further comment.

Calling All Huskers!

After a recent outbreak of debilitating numismatism within Waffle Town's close-knit cornhusker set, the office of agriculture is asking for volunteer huskers, preferably with two to three years of husking experience, to pick up the slack. Inquire at Big Sally's!

a cleanup.Reply Reply All CC Subject Hey this needs

0778About note from Crawshaw
0779Please delete reference to "directed-energy weapon" from bulletin

Not Shaving is Misbehaving

With the days growing colder, the sheriff's department would like to reiterate that men are prohibited from wearing beards anywhere south of Druthers Road.

Your Week in Brief

• That crack in the sidewalk isn't going to fix itself! The mayor's office is still asking for volunteers to fix the broken walkway in front of Town Hall, since the only available construction crew "didn't feel like it."
• Precious Goblin, the unfortunately-named youngster who stole the town's heart at this summer's talent show, was detained for making sandwiches without a license.
• Paradoxical as it may seem, you have entered into a realm that lies beyond the grasp of the Creator.
• In a first for Waffle Town, resident Wilma Chadberry became the proud mother of quadruplets. She's expecting to keep all four.
• Brrr! It sure was cold today—so cold, in fact, that the polar bears at the zoo stopped begging to be killed.

Today's Corn News

Today's corn prices are in. Prices are per bushel.

Yellow Corn..........................................$3.20
Blue Corn..............................................$3.23
Corn Five..............................................$3.21
Corn Classic..........................................$3.26
"Normal" Corn......................................$3.18
"Excitement" Corn................................$3.35
Valley Corn...........................................$3.06
Peach Corn............................................$3.20
Foreign Corn.........................................$3.28
Saturnine Corn......................................$3.29
Other Corn............................................$3.13

Corn sold well today in all markets. Prices are not expected to fluctuate, barring plague.

Local Woman Offers Good Deal on Hairbrushes

Knitting Club founder and "Miss Waffle Town 1981" Marnie Nevins would like to announce that, after several requests, she's begun selling off her large collection of gently-used hairbrushes. You can find them in her yard in a metal pail (the one next to the old brown shed) and if you'd be kind enough to drop a quarter in the coffee can on the porch, you can go ahead and take as many as you'd like. Oh, and that's on Cowper Street, the yellow house.

Have You Seen the Mailman?

It's getting late, and Mailman Jim still hasn't been come back from his route. Everyone at the post office is worried. They're wondering whether he got sleepy and took a nap in his truck, as he will sometimes do, but they're also scared that he was serious about the whisperings from the sewer grate, and that the things have claimed him.

Dog Park Discovery Prompts Immediate Closure

The Deeply Shallows Memorial Dog Park will be closed until further notice following this morning's discovery of as-yet-unidentified non-canid animal remains on the premises. If you have any information about the source of the remains, or if you believe you have grounds to claim ownership of the remains, please contact Animal Control. Do not contact the parks department, which will be closed until further notice following last night's discovery of as-yet-unidentified non-canid animal remains in Deputy Director Drigmore's office.

Representatives from neighboring Borough Acres wish to welcome all Waffle Town dog owners to visit their dog park, which, as of this morning, was free of animal remains.

Alert! Upcoming Poll!

Reader, how familiar are you with personal hygiene? 

Local health officials, in collaboration with "John Howard Shanks" of Tinto Corbago fame, are planning to launch a town-wide hygiene awareness campaign. How much soap do you use? Per year? Per month? Per day? Do you know what soap is? Where do you buy your soap? What's your favorite soap? Is it really your favorite soap? Look forward to answering these questions (mandatory) and more in the coming weeks.

News of Peculiar Interest

Neighboring Glum Gulch will soon begin offering suicide encouragement to persons who exhibit signs of aberrant thinking. For further information, please contact the town's Goodmaster General.

Mavis is Missing

Police, medical personnel, and concerned citizens continue their search for Aunt Mavis, who disappeared from the retirement home last night around dinnertime. According to her roommate, she intended to go into the woods "to meet the man", though her moderate dementia and the fact that the Man of the Woods has not been seen in decades makes this unlikely. If you have any knowledge of Aunt Mavis's whereabouts, or simply want to help, please contact the Sheriff's Department.

Your Voyage to the Tented Bath

Before departing for the Tented Bath, make sure you've packed your towel, a change of clothes, cleated footwear, a handkerchief, a pair of goggles, lip balm, and your passport. Crantz will pick you up from the station at about six. Six, six-ten.

Don't be late! Else Crantz will become enraged, and the tremors will begin.

Around Town with Phil Kreame

THANKS AGAIN to Waffle Town's own Ailteira Chikynbeest for her rousing weekend performance of "Sailor Gomez" at last weekend's Big Weekend Goodtime Festival, and thanks to all who could attend and also those who meant to attend but were busy fishing.

Goodness, it's almost that time of year again: paint your wagons! Wagonfest, formerly Wagons-a-Go-Go, has been canceled due to lack of interest, but I'd sure appreciate it if you'd paint your wagons regardless.

Where's your hat? With the sun so bright and oppressive, not wearing a hat is downright foolish. How are you going to protect your head? Don't you know what you keep in your head, and how important it is? Do you want them to be able to see inside your head, with the bright light of the sun shining down on it?

Crime: who's committing it in Waffle Town? Silly Hank, a youth whose "footpath follies" gave many parkgoers a scare and earned him innumerable slaps, has been rightfully caned. Will he recover? The word on the street is: Who Cares?

Until next week,
Phil Kreame, DDS

Editor's Note: Around Town with Phil Kreame has been discontinued. Services for Mr. Kreame will be held this Friday at the First Church of Our Special Favorite.

Special Announcement

The mayor's office wishes to remind you that in the fight against the Idolater, all means are justified.

Welcome to Waffle Town, Welcome to Waffle Town

Welcome to Waffle Town. We're going to kill your dog.

Doctors Patient, Stress Calm

It appears a handful of local children have come down with Muzzleford's Complaint, the first instance of the disease within town borders for over forty years. County health officials have stated that there is no need for alarm: all children below the age of six have been temporarily quarantined, and another shipment of rash cream should arrive from the manufacturer any day now.

Breathe a Sigh of Relief

Animal Control is happy to announce that they're successfully located and destroyed that runaway peacock. Interested parties are welcome to the feathers.

Emulsifier Needed, Inquire Within (Thyself)

Fr. Earhoarne is looking for a new Sin Emulsifier, following the retirement of Jamlers. If you wish the position, fast for three days. If your soul is found worthy, Father will come to you. You need not come to the chapel, for there will be made a beacon of your inmost light.

Park No Place for Chairs, Says Top Cop

Who left a well-used swivel chair on its side in the middle of the park? Police aren't sure, and they're asking anyone with information to come forward. Three miscreants were arrested in the aftermath of the chair's discovery, but they have since been released. Sheriff Ramage, however, is confident that it's only a matter of time until the culprit is found.

Death: No Man Can Escape Its Grasp

Monmouth Cranty, Waffle Town's oldest resident, has died at age 103. Foul play is not suspected.

Since Mr. Cranty had no living relatives, and since no friends or colleagues have come forward to arrange his funeral, he will be entombed within his one-room lakeside shack. Entombed along with him will be his doubtless plentiful observations about a changing Waffle Town, none of which he chose to share, all of which are now lost to time.

Gretchen Gharble, age 102, is now Waffle Town's oldest resident. We wish her luck.

Sundry Items

• Tonight at Town Hall, the merits of small orange pylons versus gargantuan stone pylons will be debated, and all are welcome to join.
• Hezekiah, it's time to come home.
• Where do all those uneaten pickles go? Staff at the diner tell us that they're fed to stray cats, who are not so appreciative.
• Summering in Waffle Town? Why not fall, winter, and spring in Waffle Town? You're welcome to stay.
• Town workers will remove the fire hydrant in front of the old tire shop tomorrow, because nobody cares if it burns down.

Potential New Communication Scheme Excites, Enthralls

Norma Cloonts, inventor of spray-on eggs, will unveil her latest work at Town Hall tonight, as part of the ongoing "Waffle Town: Our Future and Yours" series of lectures on personal and societal betterment. Dubbed the "Alfingbet", Ms. Cloonts' new "information transmission system" replaces our alphabet's least popular letters with helical symbols pleasing to the eye, and introduces a series of "quick and sharp vocalizations" as shorthand for over a hundred commonly-used phrases.

Ms. Cloonts' system has already been adopted wholesale by the town council of Moosehead Hollow; will Waffle Town, she recently asked, be "forward-thinking" enough to follow?

Interesting Incident on Route 5

Early this morning, a police officer patrolling Route 5 pulled over an unmarked white truck for exceeding the speed limit. The driver, who could not produce identification, fled into the surrounding woods at the first opportunity and is presumed dead.

Upon inspection, the abandoned truck was found to be carrying several hundred loaves of bread, which, according to the officer on the scene, "tasted good", and have since been delivered to the supermarket for sale to the public.

Hello and Good Morning; Wake Up, for It is a New Day

A new week dawns on Waffle Town, and it is your responsibility as a citizen to arise and greet it. Will you fulfill this sacred duty? If you are having difficulty, visit one of the many new "brightness booths" installed around town. 

If you are feeling out of sorts, you can be brought back into the light. If you are feeling incorrect, you can be corrected. If you are feeling like you don't belong in Waffle Town, you can be corrected.

Sorry About Your Empty Mailbox

Postermaster Brevits wishes to apologize for the lack of deliveries today. It was Gary's turn to deliver the mail, but he overslept.

Coming Up This Week in Waffle Town

• Use your nouns! It's Noun Week, and that's county-wide.
• Schoolchildren can look forward to a bit of entertainment during lunch, courtesy of local favorite Crackers the Silly Clown.
• The trees are beginning to bloom, and you will be reminded of the impermanence of all things.
• Going for a drive? Starting this Wednesday, Prescott Road will once again be open to motor traffic.
• Folks who like to fish are in luck this week, as local entomologists have announced the discovery of a "massive worm surplus".

Farming Equipment for Sale, It's a Bargain

It's a bargain: farming equipment for sale, all of it used, down at Erdolac Farm.

2 tractors (1 unclean)
1 post-hole digger
1 drill auger, many years old
1 wheelbarrow, red
1 wheelbarrow, unpainted

And that's it unless Zeb finds something else in the shed, and also the shed is for sale. Bring handmade goods for bartering if you haven't got money.

A Report from Deathless Crocodile, in the Field

Were your eyes not trapped inside your head they could be grabbed and massaged

Slimy Pond De-mucked in Dog Drama

Dredging began at Vlimy Pond, locally and derisively known as Slimy Pond, this morning as police continued their search for the mayor's missing poodle. It is speculated that the same pungent odor and surly wildlife that keep residents away from the pond might have drawn the wayward pooch to a watery grave.

Did You Know?

No living astronaut hails from Waffle Town.

Health Department Recommends Taking it Easy

With temperatures on the rise, county health officials are advising residents to forgo their strenuous tasks in favor of rest and relaxation. Laboring out of doors? Take a breather. Errands to run? They can wait. Sit on the porch and enjoy a cool beverage. There's nothing to worry about, and there will never be anything to worry about.

A Tragic Turnaround

After a stunning defeat at the hands of Coldthorpe Technical, Dan "Can" Fellows and his "Welders on the Bushel" were eliminated from this season's championship round. They will be reevaluated, and if found to be beyond help, gassed.

Local Business Celebrates Fifty Years

Town fixture Heckley's Hardware enters its fiftieth year of serving the needs of our community this month. Owner Morton Heckley opened the store when he was but twenty-one, and can still be found behind the front counter every day of the week. We asked Mr. Heckley if he'd like to share a few words to mark the occasion, and he was happy to oblige.

"I still remember where I was," said Mr. Heckley, "when the thought first occured to me. 'Open up a hardware store,' a voice seemed to say. Clear as that. Clear as that. Truth be told, I was never that handy. Hadn't even swung a hammer 'til I was seventeen, eighteen abouts, and my father, who worked at a desk, wore a tie and everything, 'til he thought to build a trellis for the garden. Mother always wanted one. Anyway, I was made to help out, though I would've offered regardless. I wouldn't say it was formative, but it introduced me to working with my hands. I continued to consider law school. Here, my parents did little to encourage me. Don't get me wrong: they would've been supportive. Moral support, at least. But facts were facts, and could they afford the tuition? Probably not. Could I? God knows. Looking back, I can't tell you why I thought of law school to begin with. The germ was just there, in the back of mind. My uncle, great-uncle, he was a lawyer. I think the idea came from the word; my imagination built a possible future on the foundation of that word. Is this making sense? I think we understand the word incorrectly, as a youth we do, I mean, or if not incorrectly then in a skewed sort of manner. Then we, our imaginations, they grow around it. Is this making sense? So, maybe I didn't want to be a lawyer, but I had the idea of 'lawyer', the word, in my head, and that was the trail my mind followed. As a youth, anyway. I wasn't called to it. I wasn't called like I was to opening a hardware store. That's what happened. A voice, not a voice like a talking voice, a voice you felt like a vibration in your bones, your skull, it said 'Open up a hardware store,' just like that. No explanation for it. Who can explain it? I've got my health, I've got my mental health. These things just happen, and I'm not too much of a believer, so I won't comment as to that. But it happened. That's another idea, you know, like the lawyer idea, that the imagination can build on, but I was what, I was twenty-one, and there's that clarity you have as an adult. You speak the world's language. So I told my father about the voice and he wasn't a big talker, not too silent, but not a big talker. And we discussed it, matter of fact like, the possibility of opening a store, I mean. He told me to talk to the neighbor across the street, old fellow, Mr. Polk, never did know what he did for a living as a youth but it turned out he owned a hardware store next town over. Mr. Polk, he must've been ninety at the time, but he could talk. He could talk. 'Every town needs one,' he told me, 'so you're doing your duty and you're safe.' Safe or secure, he said. He wanted to emphasize that it wasn't fleeting, I mean. So he says to me I'll be safe, or secure, and then he tells me his own story, and I'll never forget this, 'I was drifting', he says, 'from town to town, state to state, and this was after my home got knocked flat by a tornado. And I'm taking that like a message from God, because the other explanations, they'll drive you to the madhouse. I drifted for a couple of years, doing odd jobs as I found them, until one day I heard a voice: "Open up a hardware store," it said to me.' Now you can imagine what I felt, the chill that ran down my spine, when he said these words. He had heard the voice, too. He was called. And I confided with him, and he could see how his story shook me, so I confided with him about hearing the words, and he nodded. That's all, just nodded. We discussed it no further. And truth be told, I never saw him again, never visited, never told him about the store after I opened it. I figured he knew. He could've seen my destiny, the trajectory of my life, drawn out before him the moment he knew I was called. So, he knew I opened the store, that I'm sure of."

Our thanks to Mr. Heckley for his time.

Welcome Up, Welcome Down

The Waffle Town Visitors' Vestibule, formerly the Waffle Town Welcome Shack, will soon be getting a second floor. A disused toll booth, found at the county dump and currently in the process of being refurbished, will be affixed to the roof of the existing building and made accessible via ladder. A display of taxidermied local wildlife is planned, as is an expansion of the mayoral portrait gallery.

Further details will be given at tonight's town meeting.

You Will Stop Shooting Badgers

Sheriff Ramage is putting an immediate and indefinite stop to badger hunting, following news that badger populations across the county have fallen to record lows. The badger, assumed to be a large member of the rodent family, is critically important to the local ecosystem in its role as the main predator of invasive species like the greater berryskink and whip-chancer wheelfly.

Spurréd Boots Barred from Milk Bar

Gentlemen in spurréd boots are no longer welcome in Mabel's Milk Bar, its fine hardwood floors having suffered "scuffs and scrapes both frequent and violent," according to owner Mabel Muzzy. Footwear may be removed before entering, but slippers will not be provided. Patrons who disagree with the new rule are invited to take their business—and their spurs—to Snyder's Milk Bar, down the road.

Your Weekly News Roundup

• The warm weather led to many residents keeping their windows open this week, which in turn led to an increase in noise complaints.
• Some children made chalk drawings on the sidewalk outside their home. They were then scolded.
• Waffle Town was named the most wholesome town in the county for the 86th year in a row.
• All steel railings were removed from the church. No more steel railings.
• The town's coffers could receive a much-needed boost following news that Great Aunt Gladys died, having possibly named us in her will.
• A new mayor was chosen, obviating the need for a burdensome election process.
• Pipsy the Puppy is no longer with us.

You Want Beetles? They've Got Beetles!

Of course we're talking about the Rolling Beetle Museum, which you can visit on Peach Street on Monday, Apple Street on Tuesday, Pear Street on Wednesday, and then never again.

Unpleasant Business in Neighboring Village

Over 50 employees were evacuated from the chemical plant in Burough Acres this morning after reports of fluid leaking from a storage tank. Though the suspected leak was eventually found to originate from a spilled can of carbonated soft-drink, county officials insist that they are taking no chances with public safety, and have ordered the surrounding woodland defoliated and all plant personnel trucked across state lines for extended decontamination. 

Any Waffle Town residents who were in Burough Acres at the time of the incident are being asked to remain there for the indefinite future.

There is Nothing to Worry About

Patrons of Budgeon Farm's roadside stand report that the new crop of apples have a metallic taste to them. After several letters and complaints, we reached out to Farmer Budgeon, who assured us that that was intended.

Old Shoe Found

How lonely it must feel without its companion.

Free Outdoor History Lecture

Professor Piltwater has some thoughts to share about industrialization in the 19th century. He'll be shouting them from the street corner outside the tobacco shop until midnight, and you're welcome to stop by.

A Minor Correction

During last night's town meeting, it was mistakenly announced that cromus bindings would again be performed at Nitchfield this summer. Due to ongoing renovations at Nitchfield, they will instead be performed at Grimehauser, along with all previously-scheduled Sequence Two harmonies.

The town council apologizes for the error, and wishes to thank Elder Nineback for his wisdom and generosity.

Proper Opera Attire Tips Tops

Going to the opera house in the big city? It's the dream of many Waffle Town residents to spend an evening in this manner. But what to wear? How to fit in? 

Advice of this sort does not come easy; neither does it come often. It will be yours to peruse, however, thanks to a special pull-out section in next week's Waffle Town Bee. In this beautiful and informative feature—presented in full color!—fine-living expert Ellery Caffodil covers the ins and outs of rubbing elbows with the cosmopolitan set.

Topics include:

• Suit buttons
• The gentleman's mannered gait

And more! 

Where to Put the Old Birch Tree?

It's a leap year, so the Old Birch Tree is on the move again, as dictated by local tradition. The Waffle Town Birch-Tree Caretakers, however, are unsure of where to put it and have to decided to host a meeting at Town Hall tonight to field suggestions from the public.

If you're interested in where to put the Old Birch Tree, please show up at eight and say your piece. If you don't particularly care, but are still interested in listening to a hearty debate, you're just as welcome.

Hot drinks will be served; cold drinks will be available from the vending machine on the second floor.

Fruit Fire Under Control

We're relieved to report that the fire that began last night at Ned's apple cart has been put out. In related news, the Singed Hair Society will begin meeting again, starting this coming Wednesday at Town Hall.

Country Road to See Repairs After Sinkhole Snafu

Rockpile Road is finally getting some much-needed attention this week. The rural road's condition has worsened in the five decades since it was last repaved and painted, and after Farmer Grimesby's tractor was swallowed up by what town officials are calling "an unsettlingly deep fissure", room is being made in the budget to see to these pressing problems.

Repairs are expected to begin next month and carry on into the new year. In the meantime, those who would normally use Rockpile Road will have to use the service road that passes through Cruncher Hill, or travel on foot by way of the Old Woodsman's Path.

Good News! Every Person Who Has Ever Lived

Was Called to Waffle Town

The Deadline is Approaching

Submissions to the annual photo contest will be accepted until Monday at noon and absolutely no later. Due to an unexpected influx of photographs of cows, the contest organizers regret to announce that no more photographs of cows will be accepted.

Monday at noon. No cows.

A Report from Delmer, in the Field

"Them boys went up to Groom's Lick and we ain't seen hide nor hair of 'em since. Must be the woods what got 'em."

Thanks, Delmer!

That is a Flavorful Meat-Ball (Advertisement)

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Yes, you can buy meat-balls from Crandall's food cart. Savory and nutritious, they are sure to satisfy. Why not try them on a roll or bun? Crandall operates his cart at all hours of the day, all days of the week, rain or shine. Ask for Crandall, ask for quality.

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What Happened This Weekend?

• Beloved scamp Li'l Eddie is all grown up, and on Saturday he finally left home for the big city. He'll be off at college, studying important functions of the human brain.
• Pork-pie hats were on sale at Buggley Clothiers, and boy did they sell!
• Today's softball game was canceled after more than half of the available players revealed that they were not actually familiar with the sport.
• After last night's incident, the Waffle Town Philatelic Society will no longer be holding its bi-weekly meetings in the Happy Hamlet Retirement Community recreation room.

Acorn Jam Soon to Please Populace

The moment you've been waiting for is here: Ma Hinkle has started making her famous acorn jam. The first batch should be available next month, and you can place an order by visiting Hinkle farm and asking for Clem.

Don't be confused when he doesn't write down your information; Clem's got a good memory and Ma's real proud of him.

Weather Emergency: Instructions & Helpful Tips

Due to a weather emergency, all government services have been temporarily suspended. In addition, all privately-owned businesses are temporarily forbidden from operating. Saturday classes are canceled, even for home-schooled children. The hospital, which is running on emergency power, will be turning away all but those with the most pressing ailments. 

Remain inside your homes; do not answer knocks on your door. If you become bored or ill-at-ease, take a nap, or read a book or magazine. If you lose power, don't fret: it will come back on eventually. Do not share unpleasant news or long pent-up secrets with any housemates, as you will be spending many hours in close proximity and will want to avoid an incident.

Finally, if your home is equipped with a secure underground shelter, resist the temptation to retreat into it. This will all blow over eventually.

Good Night, Sweet Comptroller

The mayor's office is deeply saddened to announce the passing of County Comptroller and lifelong Waffle Town resident Templeton Gloam. Comptroller Gloam, 96, died peacefully in his bed this morning while surrounded by friends and loved ones, mere hours after being run over by a garbage truck. His decades of service to the community will not soon be forgotten.

Blood Now

The hospital needs your blood. People from the hospital are driving around in vans. Get into one of their vans and let them take your blood. 

How You Can Clip Their Wings

This Thursday at the schoolhouse, local pigeon-keeper Gompers Larry will host another of his celebrated wing-clipping classes. In this hour-long seminar, Mr. Larry will show attendees the proper way to de-wing and domestify all manner of small birds and farmfowl. If time permits, he will also review the basics of beak honing. Are you in possession of a small (350g or less) bird? Feel free to bring it along for practice.

Please arrive at a quarter to seven, and make sure to have clean hands. The class is free to attend, though Mr. Larry's popular pamphlet, "Making the Bird Acceptable", will be available for purchase.

Outhouse Tax Hike

Town Council is expected to approve a 2% property tax increase for owners of outhouses next week. Despite continued modernization efforts by the sanitation department, rural tradition and a general distrust of indoor plumbing have kept Waffle Town's outhouses per capita well above the national average. 

Much Appreciated

As a new year begins and final testing comes to a close, Dr. Capstrain and her team at the Institute wish to formally thank the people of Waffle Town for their participation in Project Sapphire Beach. In addition, Dr. Capstrain and her team wish to retroactively inform the people of Waffle Town that they will be participating in Project Sapphire Beach.

Ploake Yen Shot Down

Town Council has voted against a proposal to change Waffle Town's name to Ploake Yen. The change, proposed last month by town resident Florence Bailer, would have required too many expensive alterations to existing maps and signposts.

Announcement: Contest Winner

This year's contest winner is Enid Sprankle, 93. Congratulations on winning the contest, Enid.

Holidays On the Move!

Since the Cabal has ordained that the Ritual of the Archivist must begin this coming week, Christmas has been rescheduled for the 26th. Please adjust your plans accordingly; non-compliance will be met with swift and severe action.

Boxing Day, which is not celebrated in Waffle Town, has been moved to the 27th. Just to be safe.

No Can Do

Mrs. Wickerbeet, who usually wraps gifts at the toy shop, will not be able to fulfill her duties this Christmas season. A flare-up of rheumatism that sent the beloved nonagenarian to the clinic last night will also keep her away from the wrapping table for the remainder of the year.

At Mrs. Wickerbeet's request, her great-granddaughter, Hildy, will act as her temporary replacement. As Hildy is only seven years old, toy-shop patrons should not expect the same level of service that they are used to. Nevertheless, the staff asks that her efforts be praised effusively.

Come on Down and Lend a Hand

Park Service is asking for volunteers to help collect oak-tree shavings tomorrow afternoon. You can inquire in the morning at Town Hall by going to the front desk and asking for Bev. If Bev isn't there, ask for Glen. If Glen isn't there, you're too early; they don't get in until nine.

Rakes will be supplied, but you'll have to bring your own lunch. You'll also have to eat it while you work, since you'll be on a tight schedule. Thank you in advance.

Danger!

Bad news from our neighbors in Glum Gulch: poison is everywhere, perhaps even in your own pantry! 

Keep an eye out for bottles marked with the image of a human skull, for these usually contain poison. And whatever you do, don't pour their contents into your drinking water, no matter how much the sweet relief of death may tempt you. Have a safe night!

Welcome to the Accomplishments

This week's Waffle Town "Certified" Accomplishments include:

• Nancy Elff won the pie-eating endurance contest
• The Singing Gents Quartet entertained passersby for over seven hours
• The Chess Club met in the park for their scheduled game
• Finroy's Children collected over $7500 in donations, plus three goats
• The Whittling Club whittled small figurines for over seven hours

There's more, but it isn't fit to print.

Blue Plates and Soul Mates

All our town's lonely hearts are welcome to join the Singles Meet-N-Greet going on right this instant at Cramble's Country Diner. An announcement would have been posted earlier, but owner Fred Cramble forgot to send one in this morning.

Congratulations, Fred! You're the latest recipient of the "Waffle Town Weekly Whoopsie"!

Did You Carve Your Pumpkin?

It's the month of November, and Pumpkin-Carving Contest Day is almost upon us. Remember to bring your carved pumpkins ("Pumpkin Johnnies") to town square this weekend, and remember to decorate them with festive designs that celebrate the coming harvest. Will your pumpkin be impressive enough to win the contest? If it is, you could win an apple basket or a ragdoll for your child.

That Message You Were Asking for, The One About the Tile Floor

People claim to be able to perceive messages in the tile floor of the Historical Society's storage room, but I myself cannot.

Let's Eat Out

This weekend, Doris "Cathy" Gamper had the honor of being the first Waffle Town resident to dine at Chateau Framboise, the new French restaurant in Cruncher Hill. She describes her experience as "nice" and assures us that the food was "good," the wine was "good," the décor was "interesting," the service was "really nice," and the atmosphere was "interesting." Be sure to look for Ms. Gamper's full review in tomorrow's edition of The Waffle Town Bee.

Cat Parade Canceled

Today's cat parade is canceled on account of not enough cats.

Happy Heads in Waffle Town

Wendell Jinger - not Wendell Jinger, Sr., so don't worry - is offering haircuts on the corner of Maple & Eisenstein all day today, right out there in front of the Jinger newsstand. Get your hair cut out in the sun for the price of $10 (boys), $12 (girls), $20 (men), no women (no women), $18 (livestock), or free (clergy). Get out there in the beautiful sun, get a haircut. Get yourself a paper when you're done, and God bless you. (Wendell Jinger wrote this.)

Hold On, Hammy

Message to Hammy: Don't put up those new "Welcome to Waffle Town" signs 'til next Friday at the earliest. We wanna keep out the riff-raff for a few more days. Thanks.

- Management

Uplifting News to Fill the Pews

- The shelter is overflowing with puppies, and has decided to give back to the community by giving some away. Come on over and get a free puppy tomorrow; no limit per customer!

- Fences are finally coming down at Old Man Willeford's "Hoppin' Horse" Ranch. The horses are gone, but you can walk on the grass.

- Betty Ann dropped her glasses in the pond. Her boyfriend joked that he saw a fish wearing them, but a bystander later confirmed that this was actually the case.

Attention All

A message from interim mayor Millicent Yatkins: Stop using the word "glom" in public. It's foul.

Bregman's Bread: Probably Safe?

None of the bobcats that were living in the abandoned Bregman's Bread factory have been seen for a few days. It's probably safe to go in there now, but there isn't much reason to since all the bread is gone. If you're gonna, just try not to climb into any of the machinery. It's old.

Animal Control has promised to look into the situation, soon as they're done cleaning up the mess from last night's dog massacre.

Droning at Six

Keep your ears open for tonight's droning. It starts at six sharp, and tardiness will NOT be tolerated!

Welcome, Kola Birds

It's a birdwatcher's paradise in Potswell Park today, where pileated kola birds flit from branch to branch, reticulated kola birds build nests from twigs and cicada shells, and nobleman's lovely kola birds enchant all in earshot with their haunting song. As ever, they're joined by the mock kola birds - not birds at all, in fact - which will accompany them all the way to Patagonia, picking off stragglers and helping themselves to the occasional egg. 

You guessed it: the kola birds are here again, having made their way to Waffle Town on the first leg of their journey south. As the sun sets on another summer, birdwatchers and birdcollectors are "flocking" to Waffle Town's plentiful wooded areas, where they will enjoy two weeks (but no more, by law) of our feathered visitors' egg-laying and tree-squatting antics. 

It's long been the dream of many a birdsman to convince the kola birds to stay and become a native species; thus far, no attempts at communication have yielded a satisfactory result. 

Porridge by the Sea to End

After ten years of work towards the betterment of the underprivileged and those laid low by hunger, the celebrated Porridge by the Sea charity program will soon be coming to an end. Founder Dorothea Putnick-Shambalón cites "lack of funding, distance to sea, and cetera" as reasons for the closure, but that's not how you say it, Dorothea.

A Very Unusual Fellow

Police are on the lookout for a man of halting speech and strange countenance. His unsettling gaze pierces the soul, yet his eye betrays no life. Mark his curled lip and consumptive pallor. It is said that an unearthly chill follows in his wake, as does the most curious odour of lilacs and coming snow.

If your paths do cross, give no alarm, but make haste instead to the Constable's office.

Billboard Bid to Bring Boffo Business?

The bidding is over, and the much-desired billboard space off Route 5 has been awarded to Waffle Town's very own Golden Apple Pest Control. It's estimated that as many as six motorists a day will pass by the billboard after it goes up next summer, and some of them just might be inspired to stop by our little town for a visit.

Let's all welcome them with open arms, and in the meantime congratulate Golden Apple Pest Control, who are this week's "Hometown Heroes"!

Service Restored

Telephone service has been restored to all areas south of M'Gumley farm. Last night's outage is now understood to have been caused by one of Farmer M'Gumley's cows chewing through the phone line that runs across his property. We're happy to report that the offending cow has been disciplined.

A New Chunk Lump's

Chunk Lump's is opening a new location in the old ticket booth behind the roller rink. Soft stews will be served, as well as the famous "gravy gobble".

Please Stop Looking

The Chickateo family, of Addison Street, would like to publicly ask their neighbors and fellow townsfolk to end the well-meaning but futile search for their missing dog, Rooney. As it has been over five days since Rooney was given his heart medication, there is no longer any hope for his survival. The Chickateo family expressed their gratitude for everyone's time, efforts, kind words, and prayers, but now wish to move forward in privacy.

Also, the mayor died.

Acres Farms Acquires Old Mill

Multistate agricultural concern Acres Farms has agreed to purchase the historic "Old Mill" at Catchapenny Creek for an undisclosed sum. The sale of the mill has been a hotly-debated subject at town meetings for the past month, with Waffle Town Historical Society president Vivian Henshaw calling it an "affront", an "outrage", an "enormity", and, occasionally, a "sin".

Over the past year, Acres Farms has purchased nearly five square miles of arable land in areas all over the county, as well as six factories, two cabins, and a pioneer cemetery. In a press release, the county treasurer's office once again assured the public that these sales are necessary to balance the budget. The mayor's office declined to make an official comment, only insisting that people "calm down."

The Night Times

Hello and good evening. We have been authorized to interrupt your normal nightly routine for an important bulletin: corn patties will be free at Hucker's tomorrow.

Don't Burn It Without a Permit

Starting a trash fire this weekend? That's perfectly fine - assuming you have a permit!

You'll need a trash-burning permit to dispose of your refuse in this manner, for which you can find applications at town hall every day of the week. If you don't have a permit, you're going to have to send your trash off to the dump like the rest of us. It's the law!

The Hum

It appears that the confused residents of Oakerton Street finally have an explanation for the "low and mysterious hum" they've reported hearing at all hours of the day since early January. A team of researchers from the Institute spent the past week investigating the source of the strange noise and are confident in their conclusion that there is, in fact, no noise at all. "Our instruments are calibrated to the most exacting tolerances," said a representative, "and they detected nothing out of the ordinary."

The Institute is hopeful that the residents of Oakerton Street will find this conclusion satisfactory.

Keys Please

Attention Waffle Town resident Lewis Hibby: your grandmother lost her car keys again and needs help finding them. Please call her when you get the chance.

No Worries

As you climb into your bed tonight, rest easy in the knowledge that Waffle Town is safe: it's been over twelve years since our last rabid dog attack.

From Sweden

Some officials from Sweden will be visiting Waffle Town this week. The mayor's office implores all residents to be on their best behavior while these foreign sophisticates make use of our humble hamlet.

Red Mailboxes to Go

After years of campaigning by concerned citizens, red mailboxes will soon be illegal in Waffle Town. Homeowners have until June 1st to remove or repaint their red mailboxes or else face a fine and possible jail time. Mail will still be delivered to homes with red mailboxes until that date, but only reluctantly.

Ill Tidings

News from out of town: the maplewheat harvest has failed again. Is this the work of mischievous spirits, some wonder. None could say but the Oracle, and she is long passed.

Trouble in Cribbage Road

There is a deer standing in the middle of Cribbage Road, blocking traffic and refusing to move when prompted. It does not seem to know where it wants to go or what it wants to do with itself. Drastic action may soon need to be taken.

If you have any ideas on how to help, or believe you can somehow communicate with this deer, please contact animal control within the next ten minutes. 

Corn

Today, corn is on sale. It's at the market, and you can find it in aisle two. Please stop sending e-mail asking about the availability of corn.

The Conscience of a Nation

It was 75 years ago today that state senator (2nd district) Merle Pepper gave a celebrated speech at town hall in which he said that Waffle Town had "the potential to become the conscience of a nation." Many saw this as pandering to voters; others called it a comical overstatement; a few, though, took the late senator at his word, and dreamed of future greatness for their tiny town. It is the official position of the Waffle Town News staff that these latter few were correct.

Do you agree that Waffle Town has fulfilled its promise? Share your thoughts by sending us an e-mail at wafnewsstaff.waffletown@staff.waffletown.us.gov

Please do not share your thoughts in the comment section. The comment section is not for your opinions.

Free Tomatoes: Come and Get Them

Willoughby Sykes will be handing out free tomatoes on his porch this evening, starting around five. No need to be a friend, or even an acquaintance, to get a tomato of your own, although good friends will be served first, with the expectation that strangers and passing acquaintances will understand.

Tomatoes are limited to three per visitor. Latecomers should expect a long line. Don't forget to bring a bag or basket, and remember to bundle up: it's cold out there! No dogs allowed, as they can frighten the farm animals.  No cats, either, as they can frighten the dogs. Please, use your best judgment when deciding whether or not to bring small children. Small children do not count as "visitors" with respect to the three-per-visitor limit. Mr. Sykes thanks you in advance for your compliance.

Yum Yum

Today, county jail will be serving rat soup for lunch and burnt toast for dinner.

Don't like it? Tough.




This message was brought to you by the sheriff's department.

Fam Feb Farm Fair

This Friday, all are invited to the Famous February Farm Fair at Fairacre Farms. A longstanding tradition, the Fair has provided enjoyment and education to the people of Waffle Town for generations.

Come and ride a tractor. Come and pet one of two cows. Come and pick the apples you want to eat, instead of buying them pre-picked at the grocery store. Come and see how barns are painted. Come early, and you'll even get a chance to meet Old Mister, the famous horse.

I'll be there. Will you?

Indexing

We're trying to find files 4, 71, and 22b. Thanks.

- Staff

A Friend Has Returned

Fun Sam, beloved delivery man, has returned to Waffle Town after a long absence and plans to pick up right where he left off. "Things will be back to normal next week," he says. Place all your orders on the bulletin board in town hall, and remember to specify color and quantity!

Small-Town Life

Waffle Town is small. Life moves slowly here. The people here are small, too, and they also move slowly. Even when they're driving in their cars, they're moving pretty slowly, because the cars move slowly here in Waffle Town. On top of that, the cars are small. There are a lot of compact cars here in Waffle Town. They're small, like the people they carry, and the roads they travel on are small as well. No need for wide roads here in Waffle Town.

And you know what? That's what small-town life is all about.

It's Fruitless

Whoever has been planting banana trees in Grampus Park, please stop. They cannot grow in this climate.

Christmas Trees, Please

YOU WANT THEM - WE HAVE THEM says the hand-painted sign in the middle of town square, where local entrepreneur Larry Goog, well known for his corner juice carts, has received permission to sell Christmas trees for the remainder of the month. Mr. Goog says he's excited to save residents the hassle of a trip to Burough Acres, long the site of the county's only tree farm. On the origin of his valuable stockpile Mr. Goog declined to comment, only expressing confidence that it contains trees of every size and shape customers might need, and adding that pre-decorated trees are also available for a small extra fee.

Shampoo Shortage Ends

Bottled shampoo is once again available at the supermarket, nearly a week after a delivery truck was inadvertently sent to the wrong Waffle Town. The existence of another Waffle Town was news to many residents, and the mayor's office was quick to insist that it is far away, of no consequence, and need not be spoken of again.

Customers of Bucksmith's Dry Goods, who have been buying Bucksmith's Homemade Dry Shampoo and Bucksmith's Hair Tonic as alternatives this week, should know that they will remain available and in healthy supply throughout the year. Shipments of Bucksmith's Fresh Powder, however, have been temporarily delayed, after a delivery truck was inadvertently sent to the wrong Waffle Town.

Today's Announcement

The mayor's office would like to remind everyone that while life is worth living, we should not get carried away with our enthusiasm for it.

The Allure of Fantasy

Celebrated fantasy novelist Renata Gravelstein will be at Waffle Town Public Library tomorrow to read from her new story collection Window, Window. Seating will be provided for thirty attendees.

In the event that all seats have been claimed, further attendees will not be turned away, provided they have brought their own folding chairs. Folding chairs should not exceed thirty inches in height. Plastic folding chairs are preferred. Metal folding chairs are allowed, but must be fitted with rubber or felt leg tips. Metal folding chairs will be inspected for leg tips at the door. Extra leg tips will be available on-site, but quantities are limited and it is requested that, if necessary, guests pre-fit their metal folding chairs before arriving. Wooden "patio style" folding chairs that conform to the aforementioned height limits will also be allowed. For questions regarding other types of folding chairs, or folding chairs of unusual shape or width, please call the library's front desk.

Hats for Men

If you are interested in hats, be aware that Sigmund Clothiers will be having a sale on men's hats tomorrow. All hats were hand-made in Waffle Town by elderly volunteers.

Stay Out of the Swamp

Headed to the swamp on your day off? Bad idea, says a new study from the Institute. Quality testing by experienced scientists revealed unexpectedly high numbers of Type IIIc monoflagellate, H-bound ribosoid, and protein bicuspoid bioforms in the waters of Waffle Town's outlying marshlands. Levels were found to be highest in Bunk Swamp, a popular destination for hikers since the extinction of the Bunk family in 1971.

The parks department will be installing signage in appropriate areas this weekend. Prospective warnings are "No Wading or Swimming", "Wade or Swim at Own Risk", and "Keep Out". Interested residents can vote for their favorite, or suggest their own, tonight at seven in room B of Town Hall. Refreshments will be served.

Friendly Shadows

New streetlamps are going to be installed on Philo Avenue this week. They will almost certainly cast a harsher light than you are used to, but don't be frightened! There is nothing hiding in the new shadows.

In other news, Old Fred has finally left town.

Feed Upon Me. Grow Fat on My Milk.

These are the thoughts of the cows of Waffle Town.

Creek Champs

Local favorites Derek and Mayhew Finnegan have won the "Canoe the Creek Challenge" for a second year in a row. When asked about their victory, Derek claimed to be "thrilled", while Mayhew only smiled and offered a "thumbs up" gesture.

All of Waffle Town extends its "hearty congratulations" to you, fellows!

Groomsman Flees

A groomsman fled the well-attended Burberry-Fife wedding this afternoon, taking with him the yet-to-be-thrown bouquet. Lawrence Nichols, a friend of the groom, ran from Sacred Unity Church without explanation and was last seen heading north on Vorpal Street. He is not considered dangerous and has no history of mental illness. The newlyweds are asking Waffle Town residents for any help in locating Mr. Nichols, while Sheriff Ramage has agreed to provide a $500 reward for any information leading to his return, dead or alive.

The State of Things

Who stole Mr. Willoughby's favorite dog?
What's the matter with today's youth?
When will the End come?
Where did the traveling salesman go?
Why isn't it raining constantly?

If you're confused about the state of things, you're not alone. Stay tuned to the news from Waffle Town for answers.

The Best Medicine

Local funnyman Elbow Danner is at it again. Danner, who made headlines last year when he violated the town's anti-heresy ordinance, will be flaying and roasting a goat in Potswell Park before tomorrow afternoon's softball game. "I think this'll speak for itself," said the irreverent comedian. All residents are encouraged to stop by for food and fun.

Let Them Kick It to You

The town kickball league is looking for volunteers to pitch in tomorrow night's game, since Larry is sick with shingles. Inquire at Dougie's Pool Hall. Thanks.

Crinkle Memories

Assemblyman Warren Crinkle, a lifelong resident of Waffle Town, is being remembered today by friends, family, and strangers alike. "He was always a good man, a large-hearted man," said colleague Ellen Roorscoot, who added that the assemblyman never missed a day of work in his long career. Mr. Crinkle's daughter, Tina Crinkle-Smythe, said of her father, "He was such an inspiration when I was growing up. I can't begin to imagine life without him."

People from all over Waffle Town were eager to tell stories of the assemblyman's kindness, wisdom, and generosity. Madeleine Phent of Phent Grocers remembers Mr. Crinkle as a frequent customer who once helped change her tire. "They don't make folks like him anymore," she said.

Assemblyman Crinkle, who turned 62 in January, is expected to return Wednesday from his trip to Italy.

The Future

57% of polled Waffle Town residents say they are worried about the future. The mayor's office would like to remind everyone that worrying will not solve anyone's problems.

Market Meeting

Waffle Town resident Gladys Buckle says that she ran into old friend Mitsy Bennings at the supermarket this past tuesday. The two, who had not seen one another in several years, spent around ten minutes in friendly conversation before promising to meet for lunch at a later date. Ms. Buckle says Mitsy is "doing well."

Crickheimer's Elementary Monknight

The Waffle Town Repertory Theatre wishes to announce that it is seeking experienced actors to play the role of Old Slauson in its upcoming production of Crickheimer's Elementary Monknight. Applicants should contact Mr. Jasper at extension 53 and prepare at least two energetic monologues.

Let's Go to the Beach

Beach days at Lake Kilo will be ending in two weeks' time. With fall approaching, the parks department has announced that the shores of Waffle Town's largest lake will soon be closed to the public. Please act quickly if you or your family had been planning or have had intentions to plan a summer beach outing.

Lake Kilo, known for its midnight-blue waters, draws visitors from tens of miles each summer. Access to the lake for leisure, non-governmental, and non-religious purposes is restricted outside of the warmer months. Henderson Wibb of the parks department insists that, while this is for the safety of both human visitors and the lake's wildlife, it is not related to any unsubstantiated rumors about a lake monster. 

Rumors from Glum Gulch

According to unverified reports, nearby Glum Gulch has dealt with a troublesome drifter by way of public hanging. The unnamed drifter is said to have been behind the distribution of a transgressive apple pie recipe.

Reconquest of Paradise

Pardon me; I was not in the Home for Mentally Ill

Clerical Error at Waffle Center

70+ days information lost. Mechanical failure ruled out completely. Mayor and Chief Director authorize sigma-class recovery protocol "Zero Canyon", advise cautious optimism.

Night Falls

Where will you be?

Not in Waffle Town, not in Waffle Town.

Truck Overturns...Accidents Happen

The Milk Truck overturned on Highway outside Waffle Town (far outside Waffle Town - Waffle Town is PEACEFUL). An accident was caused requiring five cars. No milk was spilled.

In the Square today:

- Young Boris sold "lemon ade"
- Young Lawrence sold brownies and cakes
- Officer O'Fernsby stopped traffic for the crossing animals
- Helper dog "Fido" helped his master "Edward Loomis" across the street

The Nightmares of the Children of Waffle Town

The good people of Waffle Town want only to remove the nightmares from the minds of their children. Doctors have yet to develop a method. How tormented they are, the children by their nightmares, the parents by their guilt, and the doctors by their feebleness of mind in the face of that which refuses to be known.

Clams Upon the Hill

How did they get there? Did they land there during the Great Flood?

The Hills Are Alive

...with the sounds of crickets chirping and birds chirping every night and morning in the countryside! Ah, summer!

Signs Are Posted!

Mr. Hemmings has posted signs for his upcoming "bake-off" at the church. He wants to let everyone know about the "bake-off" and to come and enjoy it. Mr. Hemmings was once owner of Frizzle D.'s department store in downtown Waffle Town, and he was renowned for his kindly prices. Be good to Mr. Hemmings!

Fun "Beach" Party

Fun party at Mortimer Beach Store...tonight! Beach merchandise will be 1/3 off, and come dressed as beachgoer for x-tra savings!

Mortimer Beach Store located in savings district. Bring entire family for entire family fun.

Surveyor Sees Waffle Town

Surveyor Tom Jonnings has done his thing in Waffle Town, and declares it "to standards."

Isn't it amazing when the professional men and women are pleased by the geographical exactness of our fine town? Does it not make you happy, does it not help the sun to rise?

Ancient TEXT?!?!?

I am trying to make sense of this ancient text. Maybe you can help me.

What does "tree" mean?

Announce

All citizens of Waffle Town - be happy - be merry - party in the town square

El-Chuco Chuco Powerbat

It is said he dwells in the far caverns. Is it so? Would you dare to find out?
Wise words may await you. Riches, as well. But what dangers? What horrors?

I shudder at the thought!

Lettuce Heads

From the town of Horgenbath, they come to buy lettuce heads. Fresh and inviting, the lettuce heads sit on Ma Maple's counter, waiting for the hungry consumer and consumerette to pick them up and see that they are worth buying. How they wait. How they wish to be bought and eaten. We would all like to know how it feels to be a lettuce head.

Does Anyone Like the New Lamppost

Mayor says nobody likes the new lamppost

- not doctor
- not lawyer
- not baker
- not greengrocer
- not mailman
- not construction worker
- not notary public
- not surgeon
- not bookseller
- not scientist

Nobody!

We're gonna take it down, he says!

Nighttime, a Great time, for Fun Time

Fun time at nighttime, good time for games. Who agrees? Yes, all agree.
Time with family, time to break out fun board game and enjoy yourself...

As World Turns, So Waffle Town Turns

The sun is shining on Waffle Town. The people are happy in Waffle Town. Won't you join us?

Hurdleberry Family Announces

The Hurdleberry family wants the citizens of Waffle Town to know...that they love Waffle Town!!!!

It is a great place to be, I agree. Have fun!

Route of Sanchez Lane

A good place to be on the road. Use your car!

Elderly Crossing

When the elderly cross a road...help them!!!! GO!!!!!!

SO MUCH NEWS

SO MUCH TIME

Pluger Street Development

Pluger Street being developed - news item - important to respect detour set up for Pluger Street. Pluger Street will have:

5 houses
1 ice cream shop
1 mailbox

Apply to live on Pluger Street at Waffle Town Union.

A Contraption...

Found in the basement of House 55-D, a contraption for the ages! What does it do? What does it not do? Can I learn about it? Thank you for your interest.

Sailing into the Bay, Alone

The dream of many men.

Into Bakery of Waffle Town

Here at the bakery we have the ovens to make the bread, and the dough to make the cookies. We have the chocolates and the vanillas, and the sweeties and the candies, and we sell them to the children. We make the cakes and the pies, we make the bread for the sandwiches and the bread for the buttering, and we sell them to people of all ages. Would you like to work at the bakery? It's possible...

Massivo Loco Destructo Destroyo

Did anyone see the show? Of the above title? In Waffle Town???

WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Enjoy a Life of Leisure

Your life - is it incredible?
Do you want the life of another? Of course not!
Because you have Waffle Town to live in, it is so fulfilling.

- good streets
- good people
- good sales
- good bens
- good activities
- good community

Yes, all these things define Waffle Town quite well, you agree and are pleased.
Triumph for Waffle Town!

From the Land of Fun - Good Messages

From "Fun Camp" we receive two good messages of hope for Waffle Town and the children of Waffle Town. 1: Have fun, Waffle Town! and 2: Waffle Town is central to His plan! All right! Thanks so much the Fun Camp and their nice people, who are good to all, haha.

Mr. Mitzwelder's Amazing Machine

Mr. Mitzwelder reports from his laboratory - he is continuing work on his amazing machine. What will the machine do? Are you excited to know? Mr. Mitzwelder claims it will be important to every home, that it will be necessary to ever home in time. Yes, we are very intrigued by these claims. Yes, we hope to interview Mr. Mitzwelder soon.

Some Say 'Waffle Town is Good'

They are right!!!

To the Water Tower

Water is pumped lovingly out of the water tower. It winds up in your sink, your bathtub...don't you understand??? Give your appreciation to the water tower.

Sharon Lovis Finds Letter Under Lamp

While reading the newspaper this morning, local Sharon Lovis let her eyes wander. Doing so, they fell upon an unopened letter resting motionlessly beneath her living-room lamp. Sharon Lovis could not and can not remember receiving this letter, and she currently refuses to open letter, or to tell Waffle Town news chief what letter contains. This mystery will haunt Waffle Town for the rest of our days.

On Kruger-Vann Avenue....

A "Bake" and a "Yard" sale will happen today in the after-noon. Do you want to buy bake, and to buy used items from the Yard family? These are the places for you.

Water Men

Come to install the water today at 5 o'clock

News from the "Post Office"

Mr. Reynolds-Jackson at the mail building says:

- lots of new mail
- so much old mail
- stamps are full price for the season
- envelopes are ready-made and can be yours today
- no more news

Waffle Town appreciates Mr. Reynolds-Jackson for keeping the people informed.

My Father

Let me tell you about my father. My father was a wise man. My father was a strong man. My father was a man who scaled many mountains and swam many oceans. Does this satisfy your need, hearing about my father like this? Good.

Fun at Great Heights

Crowds gathered in shock, horror, and amusement this morning as local man Pote Thampson tried to climb Waffle Tower. When later interviewed, he said, "I thought it would be fun." Well, Pote, we hope you really did have fun, because you gave us quite a scare back there.

Pike Sale

Don't go to the pike sale

It's a bad deal
We're trying to stop the pike sale. Don't go to the pike sale, please.

A Bad Time in the Square?

Little Johnny had a bad time in the square. Scientists did not think this was possible. Why did he have a bad time? Where did it all go wrong? What happen? What happen? What happen to Waflo Twon?

When We Find The Bugs

We burn the bugs.

The Prime Ministers of Waffle Town

Reggie "Dobbins" Detweiler is minister of Waffle Town Academy
Reggie "Harper" Lonsdale is minister of Waffle Union Associates

This cannot be a coincidence.

At the Docks

At the docks today, Young Horbus Danielson caught a very big fish. He could not identify the fish, and thus had to release it, as per Waffle Town fishing code. We will never know what type of fish it was.

Daily Race Numbers

We don't have them. Go look for them.

Slow-Down in Waffle Town?

Don't frown, Mr. Brown.

Very Much Underground in Waffle Town

Moles and gophers aren't the only underground residents of Waffle Town, friends. According to scientist "A. Barquentine" our little hamlet is home to a growing population of Salmus siridius - the glowing harp beetle. This interesting creature digs tunnels under the earth, and lays its eggs, and raises its family without ever seeing the surface! Incredible! Its name stems from the bioluminescent ridges that run across its back. Some say it is driven by the spirit-aggregate of thousands of miners who lost their lives in the 1898 Caine explosion. Does this rumbling insect hivemind have sinister plans for Waffle Town? Scientist "A. Barquentine" chose not to comment on the matter.

We Get Crazy

But only at night, the crazy time

An Amazing Find...

Animal bones...in the ground...here in Waffle Town! Do you wonder what animal they belonged to? Do you wonder how this animal died? Do you wonder how old this animal was? Wow, the question that we have to ask!!!!

Woobo Town

Don't believe the lies about Woobo Town. There is no Woobo Town.

The Secret of Manny Flanks

Manny Flanks has a secret...do you know what it is?

Go to Town Square
Ask for Manny Flanks
Ask what his "secret" is
He won't tell you!

Secret coming soon!

Voyage to Ends of Earth

Find no town like Waffle Town

We Now Pause for Station Identification

Very Small Sale

There is a sale at the Pet Store

It's very small...but it still has big savings!

It is a very small sale on very small mice!!!!! Buy them today, take a mouse home!!!!

$5

Pond & Plond

Pond & Plond was name of Game Show...in Waffle Town 1995...very popular...yes...

No more Pond & Plond though

Never again

Intense Longing in Waffle Town

Open up your Waffle Town newspaper...look at the "personal" section. What pain! What misery!

Open your hearts, Waffle Town!

Everything Old is New Again

Farmer Patro replaced his soil on Old Work Farm
Bob Matherman sold his automobile and has purchased a strong bike
The trees are blooming in Waffle Town!

Mr. Helm Quotes

Mr. Helm's famous quotes:

"Waffle Town is a fun town."

"When I was a young lad, we enjoyed playing tag."

"Great men across the world are united in friendship."

"This fountain is quite lovely in my yard."

Thanks to Mr. Helm for speaking with us.

Smooth Sailing Ahead!

Today at Waffle Town Lake there was a SAILING REGATTA involving eighteen participants! For those of you who were not there, you missed great fun!!!! For those of you who were there, didn't you have fun?!?!?!!?

It was a clear day, the sun shining brightly, the birds chirping merrily, and the waters cool and crisp for a nice day of regatta sailery. Fun boats were seen, and there was a race! Peter 'Pete' Flemings, famous Waffle Town sailing enthusiast, was not available, but many brave contenders entered the race, some to win, others to lose, all to have a fun and good time sailing.

Gold Medal - Van Morton & "Sea Goose"
Silver Medal - Ievgeni Pultz & "Queen Mary II"
Bronze Medal - Marjorie Song-Hulimn & "Young Jarvis"

Congratulations from Waffle Town to these fine winners and their wonderful boats!