Porridge by the Sea to End

After ten years of work towards the betterment of the underprivileged and those laid low by hunger, the celebrated Porridge by the Sea charity program will soon be coming to an end. Founder Dorothea Putnick-Shambalón cites "lack of funding, distance to sea, and cetera" as reasons for the closure, but that's not how you say it, Dorothea.

A Very Unusual Fellow

Police are on the lookout for a man of halting speech and strange countenance. His unsettling gaze pierces the soul, yet his eye betrays no life. Mark his curled lip and consumptive pallor. It is said that an unearthly chill follows in his wake, as does the most curious odour of lilacs and coming snow.

If your paths do cross, give no alarm, but make haste instead to the Constable's office.

Billboard Bid to Bring Boffo Business?

The bidding is over, and the much-desired billboard space off Route 5 has been awarded to Waffle Town's very own Golden Apple Pest Control. It's estimated that as many as six motorists a day will pass by the billboard after it goes up next summer, and some of them just might be inspired to stop by our little town for a visit.

Let's all welcome them with open arms, and in the meantime congratulate Golden Apple Pest Control, who are this week's "Hometown Heroes"!

Service Restored

Telephone service has been restored to all areas south of M'Gumley farm. Last night's outage is now understood to have been caused by one of Farmer M'Gumley's cows chewing through the phone line that runs across his property. We're happy to report that the offending cow has been disciplined.

A New Chunk Lump's

Chunk Lump's is opening a new location in the old ticket booth behind the roller rink. Soft stews will be served, as well as the famous "gravy gobble".

Please Stop Looking

The Chickateo family, of Addison Street, would like to publicly ask their neighbors and fellow townsfolk to end the well-meaning but futile search for their missing dog, Rooney. As it has been over five days since Rooney was given his heart medication, there is no longer any hope for his survival. The Chickateo family expressed their gratitude for everyone's time, efforts, kind words, and prayers, but now wish to move forward in privacy.

Also, the mayor died.