13 November 2017

Today's Tidbit

The folks in Waffle Town love to see a colossal beast.

09 November 2017

Don't Be Confused By Our Traditions

What's that hanging from the water tower? Why, it's just a teddy bear, just a children's teddy bear! That's the tradition here in Waffle Town: we hang a teddy bear from the water tower to celebrate the start of a new season. This year's new season is Crontus, during which we will celebrate the life of Emilia Crontus-Hucks, wife of Waffle Town's 16th mayor, Ransom Hucks. Look to the teddy bear, feel good, think about Emilia Crontus-Hucks, and your life may be spared.

03 November 2017

Crime!

Those new crime statistics are in, and they've really got people talking. In an unexpected twist, it appears that "big" crimes, such as horse theft, are down, while "little" crimes, such as dog theft, are on the rise. Outside experts brought in to explain these trends suspect that our unusually warm autumn has unbalanced the population's humors.

26 October 2017

Opinion: Degreasings Do Not Occur Often Enough for My Liking

When the Founders were first lubricating the Great Machine, and many gears and moving parts were first interlocking and making intimates of one another, great and many sounds were heard echoing through the valleys and forests, many of which still exist, some of which contain secrets.

It is wondered often by house-dwellers, as well as shack-dwellers, what is to become of the molted husks. Wonder no more, says the mayor, who declined to comment further. The deputy mayor, whose name escapes me, lives at three-quarters speed and cannot be seen without proper equipment.

This week's opinion was, is, and forever shall be.

06 October 2017

The Special Thanks

Many special thanks to The Hand of Friendly for their work on this year's Glimmerton Potluck. Chicken skins were half off and your own skin will be half off.

03 October 2017

A Fence Update for Your Tuesday

After much discussion, Farmers Renston and Hoyst have decided that the new fence separating their land will be 4 feet 8 inches in height, 2 inches above the town minimum.

Meanwhile, on Quail Street, the wooden fence lining Mr. Wulftrammel's property was lightly damaged in what police suspect was "some after-curfew horseplay by local youths."

29 September 2017

Don't Feed Those Ducks, Say Animal Experts

Thinking about going down to the duck pond and feeding bread to the friendly waterfowl? Think again, say local ornithologists. Whole wheat bread, as well as its popular cousin whole grain bread, are as good as poisonous to all but one species of duck†, and any well-meaning animal lovers would do well to keep them in the breadboxes†† on their kitchen counters, where they belong.


†Stanton's brave mallard, not endemic to the area.
††Available for purchase at Progm* & Sons Housewares


*Pronounced "Prome"

26 September 2017

Opinion: Let's Move Past Petty Politics

It's been interesting to see, with increasing frequency these past weeks, certain residents of our town voicing their unfavorable opinions about a certain other resident. I think you'll all know the parties to whom I'm referring.

Sure, it'd be easy to say, "That's just the way it is!" or, "Well, what can you do?" To that attitude, all I can muster for a response is this: Oh, brother. 

And yes, that pun is intended.

What has happened to that old Waffle Town spirit? Are we really going to let something like this lead us to bickering like washerwomen, grumbling under our breath, looking over our shoulder every time we think we hear footsteps? Is it really true that there "isn't any reason" to do "the things that need to be done," as certain people suggested at last night's town council meeting? 

My grandfather, may he rest in peace, used to have a saying: If there ain't no water in the well, you drink from the creek. Fellow citizens of Waffle Town, I hope you'll join me down at the creek. Drinks are on me.

This week's opinion was submitted by Abner Pulskin, of Pulskin All-County Realty.

22 September 2017

Important Update Regarding the Future of Waffle Town

Patsy Craven, owner of Goodtime Farmer's Market, confirmed today that the market will no longer be carrying Aunt Hester's Lemon Snacks. Any Waffle Town residents looking for the popular treat will have to visit Old Governor's Homemade Eats, located just outside of Borough Acres.

06 August 2017

A Call for Unity in a Time of Hardship

We've just received word that the street sweeper is broken, and probably beyond repair. Get those brooms out, folks: this'll be a team effort.

04 August 2017

A Word from Our Sponsors at Allegheny Beds

For precision comfort, purchase Allegheny Beds. Accept no substitute for these fine beds—or you will be struck mad for your transgression.

There is nowhere in Waffle Town you will find a finer bed. There is nowhere in Waffle Town you will find a bed.

01 August 2017

Historical Site to Receive Tasteful Facelift

The Historical Society announced today that they are ready to move ahead with renovations on the home of Waffle Town founder Mocus Finroy, now that proper permits have been granted and the project has received the Thousand Blessings of the Cabal. The Finroy House, which welcomes scores of schoolchildren and curious adults each year, is expected to be closed for at least two months.

28 July 2017

RUMMAGE SALE

Drag yourself to Gertie's rummage sale. There will be trinkets. There will be plenty of foolish filth with which you might busy yourself. Bring goods for barter. Your money will not be accepted. You foul ape. You cur.

25 July 2017

It's Raining Cats and Dogs Out There

Due to heavy rains which have already caused several minor traffic accidents, the sheriff's department is advising motorists to stay off the roads this morning unless travel is absolutely necessary. All residents should also be aware that while there has been some flooding, it is not the fulfillment of prophecy.

22 July 2017

Got 'Em Cramps

Cincy said Jarrell got 'em cramps. Jarrell can't but lie down with them cramps. What's a boy to do, and the priest was there, and Charles.

19 July 2017

Talent Show Deadline Looms

Any Waffle Town residents still interested in performing in the annual Talent Show have until noon on Friday to submit their applications. Please remember to describe your talent in as much detail as you can manage, and please remember that your talent CANNOT involve snakes or any other sort of serpents. Applications can still be obtained at Town Hall. Ask for Grover L. (Not Grover S.)

15 July 2017

Mellow Mornings on WTWN Radio

WTWN Radio (AM 870) is proud to announce the return of Mellow Mornings, the pleasant wake-me-up chat show formerly hosted by Donnelly St. Douglas, God rest him. Join new host Brian Honrets every morning from 5:15 to "When the Coffee's Run Out" for light conservation and wholesome observations. Scheduled for Monday: your recipes, and a talk with Farmer Gomez.

WTWN Radio extends its thanks to The Sumichrast Foundation, F.I.Y. Incongruities, V.H. Cantacuzino & Co., Acres Farms, and Sensational Seasonings GmbH for their ongoing sponsorship.

11 July 2017

A Thought for Your Afternoon

The mayor's office would like all citizens of Waffle Town, upon seeing flattened remains on the side of the road, to consider the abject terror that was the final, paralyzing experience of the hapless animal before it was crudely bisected.

05 July 2017

Equipment Wanted

Farmer Jenks is looking to buy or barter for a tiller, one in decent shape, on account of his own tiller, which has served him nobly, has begun to show its age. He'd be willing to trade ten of his chickens, or maybe two of his goats. Farmer Jenks is also interested in getting his hands on a small-caliber rifle to take care of his rabbit problem. Failing that, he'd gladly pay to learn how to communicate with the rabbits, in order to warn them against future trespass.

30 June 2017

The Train Has Left the Station

Rudegeair's Rootin' Tootin' Rideable Railroad, the novelty miniature train maintained by Old Mr. Rudegeair of the Gumper Junction Rudegeairs, will cease operations today after fifty-odd years of entertaining the youth of Waffle Town. Said the proprietor, "In the twilight of my life I find myself without direction or purpose, and to continue operating a small electric train would be a shameful hypocrisy." We can only agree, and wish Old Mr. Rudegeair the best of luck on his next journey.

28 June 2017

Public Notice from Dr. Crampton, the Animal Surgeon

Come on and take these containers away, boy. I've got too much horse poison.

23 June 2017

Roaring Fire a Roaring Success

Despite a sweltering evening heat, the crowds were happy to come out for the annual bonfire last night. Providing this year's Honored Kindling was the sty in which prize hog Beryl farrowed her litter of future ribbon-earners. The festivities even drew visitors from out of town: a resident of Blueberry Stockdale confided that Waffle Town "sure knows how to burn things." Blueberry Stockdale, wonderful Blueberry Stockdale. Miles away, but its shadow is very long. How it seems to hover above its fellows, contented and serene, like the wise man on the mountaintop. How the very earth beneath our feet seems to bear our resentment. The fruit of the vine is bitter with it. The crops are deformed by it. Why, it's enough to drive a person mad.

17 June 2017

In the Interest of Safety

Representatives from the Institute suggest that all county residents should be aware of unnatural voids. While they insist that there is no cause for alarm, it is in the interest of personal and public safety that all residents are able to distinguish between natural and unnatural voids, and that any unnatural voids be reported to the Institute immediately upon discovery.

09 June 2017

Info on the Go: Your Weekly News Minute

  • With cattle prices holding steady, farmers in the county's ever-troubled Small Toad Valley region may yet escape another season of privation and fruitless travail. 
  • In related news, cattle are illegal in Glum Gulch, and Ed's Bob now. 
  • Inclement weather prevented another company picnic in Waffle Town's Potswell Park; the gathering was relocated to the local bowling alley, with few injuries. 
  • "Ding, Dong," goes the new bell adorning Gentleman Gomez, the famous bell tower, and complaints about the volume are already pouring in.
  • Hungry for life but hungrier for food, the county's homeless flocked to a "free pancake breakfast" where they were successfully rounded up for expulsion. 

02 June 2017

Cheese, Please: A Treat for Town Tastebuds

Cheese-tasting: urbane, sophisticated, even European. But does it belong in Waffle Town? Yes, says local grocer Mary-Betsy Hoof.

Ms. Hoof, eighteen years a resident and twice a widow, plans to bring a touch of that worldliness, that je ne sais quoi* to her adopted hometown with a two-day cheese-tasting at the market, beginning this weekend. Eastman's Cheddar, Brownstone Brick, Zest of Marigold, and many other enchanting cheeses will be on offer. Don't be a stranger; Come on down!

*French

01 June 2017

30 May 2017

Brutes Not Beyond Saving, Say Docs

Hospital staff are pleased to announce that the family of nameless mountain-dwellers who arrived in town last month have successfully acclimatized to Waffle Town's elevation. They will eventually be installed in groundskeeping positions and are expected to travel the county for education and entertainment purposes as soon as they can be taught human speech.

26 May 2017

New Light, Real Bright, That's Right

The new streetlamp—and she's a beaut'—has been installed on the corner of Huckafelt and Yam, casting a soothing light on what had recently become a popular location for unseemly nighttime business. Right-thinking persons will no longer have anything to fear, and Mr. Crannaday expects to resume his storied night-jaunts immediately.

Sez Payton Suggs, chairman of Police, Inc. (Not affiliated with the County Police or local Sheriff's Dept.): "Crime is down in Cruncher Hill, but not in Waffle Town." That's as may be, but we think this streetlamp will change things in our favor.

01 April 2017

02 March 2017

Oodles of Poodle Noodles

That's right: the animal shelter is full to bursting with the skulls of euthanized dogs, and they're offering them to anyone who stops by, on a first-come, first-serve basis. Decorating your garage? Decorating your barn? Decorating your bedroom? Drop in and take a look at what Dr. Franck Godd and his family of sister-nurses have to share with the community.

27 February 2017

Cool Graves? Announcement Perplexes Many

This morning, the mayor's office issued a demand for "cool graves". With further explanation yet to be given, local headstone supplier Jiff's Quality Headstones has begun prototyping some eye-catching new designs for spring.

24 February 2017

What's Happening This Weekend...In Waffle Town?

  • The library will host another of their popular book donations tomorrow. All books, new or gently used, will be accepted—but no foul books, thank you.
  • Shame on you for reading this!
  • The pet store is being fumigated. Don't go in there!
  • Shame on you for reading this!
  • All are welcome to enjoy a game of Chess, and its popular variant Fast Chess, on the new stone Chess Board in Potswell Park.
  • Shame on you for reading this!
  • Fishermen, unhappy with their catches, plan to have a "fish swap" on Sunday morning.
  • Shame on you for reading this!

21 February 2017

This Isn't News

Local housepet Choopers Grunkus was run over by a milk truck this morning. His remains were donated to Greasy Frank's All-Night Soup Kitchen in Cruncher Hill.

17 February 2017

Gloon Night

Remember that it's Gloon Night. Leave your lights off if you expect a blessing.

15 February 2017

For Three Days, the Snow Stays

Hickam Street remains unplowed for a third day in a row. Unapologetically obstinate, plowman Peter "Pete" Palaver refuses to act until Abel Gitney, Hickam Street resident and notorious layabout, agrees to return his belt sander. Professional mediation is being considered, in lieu of finding room in the budget to hire an outside snow-removal service.

10 February 2017

Congratulations to Bingo Winner Lilian Lloydscarfe

A hearty congratulations to Happy Hamlet Retirement Community resident Lilian Lloydscarfe for winning this afternoon's "TGI Funday" bingo game. Her rewards are a gift certificate redeemable at the cafeteria's dessert booth ($10 value) and a promise from the staff to look into why her closet door seems to be growing a quarter-inch wider every night.

08 February 2017

Coins Found

Cooper Huggins found a couple of nickels on the floor beside the Town Hall vending machine. If you have reason to think that they might be yours, you can claim them at the desk tomorrow morning. If unclaimed by closing, they'll be added to the Fix-the-Roof fund.

06 February 2017

County News Bulletin

Community outreach programs in Moosehead Hollow will be suspended indefinitely after analysis of recent census data revealed that 92% of the town's area is populated only by cows.

04 February 2017

Flea Market to Draw Weekend Crowds

Come on down to Potswell Park, where today and tomorrow you can enjoy an open-air "flea's market" in the traditional Waffle Town style. By popular demand, Doris Ann will be selling homemade denim slacks in two colors, while Farmer Friffs will offer a spread of toothsome juices, squeezed only recently. What else awaits the eager customer? There's only one way to find out.

02 February 2017

Well Well

It's official: the old well is safe to use again! Following a long series of tests, the health department is now reasonably certain that drinking the water will no longer induce night terrors.

31 January 2017

There Will Be No Forgiveness

The mayor's office would like to remind everyone that there will be no forgiveness for any who miss Sheriff Ramage's talk at Town Hall tonight. Topics will include the recreational use of aspirin and parking meter abuse. Refreshments to be provided by Grover's Morsels.

29 January 2017

What's Your Week?

  • My friend, can Waffle Town tempt you with this offer?
  • Bridger reports were not turned in on time. Sorry, Watson, Crumbler, & Watson clerical staff: you're fired.
  • Frank & the kids, they're back from vacation.
  • Chandler Harkle caught how many fishes? Oh My!
  • Foul language is never to be used in
  • Waffle Town
  • Cruncher Hill
  • Burough Acres

  • Danielle's Dolphins out of business: dolphin stocks too low.
  • What's Your Week?
  • Hibbert Gumpton bludgeoned how many mules? Well done!
  • What's Your Week?
  •  Down at the hole, the kids had fun!
  •  

27 January 2017

Is There Ringing In Your Ears

Glaav walked home in the fog today, not sure where he was, but certain he was on the right track, because the cracks in the sidewalk looooked familiar. He was sure he knew the pattern. His house might have shifted slightly to the west, but our reporters were unable to verify that. Now, on to the next news, it was a good day for the town clerk, whose name we've forgotten.

25 January 2017

A Message from the Head Exterminator

"In spite of our best efforts to destroy them, it appears that the bugs remain, and perhaps even thrive, in Waffle Town. Though they travel underfoot, and hide in every corner, please take comfort in knowing that they can never control us.

God bless you all."


Editor's note: According to a recently-released study by researchers at the Institute, the bugs could someday control us.

18 January 2017

Why?

Here in Waffle Town, we know why. We can even tell you why. All you need to do is come a little closer. Don't be afraid. Just move closer, steadily, and when you see the cave, go into the cave.

10 January 2017

Uh Oh! Broadcast Canceled!

Tonight's scheduled broadcast of the opening chapter of A Biscuit for Sergeant Monday has been canceled because Ms. Pinefeather has come down with a sore throat. Some speculate, though, that Ms. Pinefeather simply doesn't exist.

03 January 2017

The Dawn of a New Age for Waffle Town

Editor's note: Due to a misunderstanding, an article entitled "The Dawn of a New Age for Waffle Town" was allowed to be published directly by its author, bypassing our normal editorial standards. Though it was removed swiftly, some readers may have been able to access the article, and to them, the entire editorial staff extends its sincerest apologies. Rest assured: no changes are coming or will ever come to Waffle Town. 

Thank you for your continued readership.