A Tantamount for Cats?

Local crackpot Phyllis Tinge is imploring town council to institute a "tantamount for cats" [sic] before the start of the new year, though she is unable to explain exactly what that means. She claims that if her pleas continue to be ignored, "extreme measures" may have to be taken. What does that mean, exactly? Ms. Tinge could not be reached for further comment.

Calling All Huskers!

After a recent outbreak of debilitating numismatism within Waffle Town's close-knit cornhusker set, the office of agriculture is asking for volunteer huskers, preferably with two to three years of husking experience, to pick up the slack. Inquire at Big Sally's!

a cleanup.Reply Reply All CC Subject Hey this needs

0778About note from Crawshaw
0779Please delete reference to "directed-energy weapon" from bulletin

Not Shaving is Misbehaving

With the days growing colder, the sheriff's department would like to reiterate that men are prohibited from wearing beards anywhere south of Druthers Road.

Your Week in Brief

• That crack in the sidewalk isn't going to fix itself! The mayor's office is still asking for volunteers to fix the broken walkway in front of Town Hall, since the only available construction crew "didn't feel like it."
• Precious Goblin, the unfortunately-named youngster who stole the town's heart at this summer's talent show, was detained for making sandwiches without a license.
• Paradoxical as it may seem, you have entered into a realm that lies beyond the grasp of the Creator.
• In a first for Waffle Town, resident Wilma Chadberry became the proud mother of quadruplets. She's expecting to keep all four.
• Brrr! It sure was cold today—so cold, in fact, that the polar bears at the zoo stopped begging to be killed.

Today's Corn News

Today's corn prices are in. Prices are per bushel.

Yellow Corn..........................................$3.20
Blue Corn..............................................$3.23
Corn Five..............................................$3.21
Corn Classic..........................................$3.26
"Normal" Corn......................................$3.18
"Excitement" Corn................................$3.35
Valley Corn...........................................$3.06
Peach Corn............................................$3.20
Foreign Corn.........................................$3.28
Saturnine Corn......................................$3.29
Other Corn............................................$3.13

Corn sold well today in all markets. Prices are not expected to fluctuate, barring plague.

Local Woman Offers Good Deal on Hairbrushes

Knitting Club founder and "Miss Waffle Town 1981" Marnie Nevins would like to announce that, after several requests, she's begun selling off her large collection of gently-used hairbrushes. You can find them in her yard in a metal pail (the one next to the old brown shed) and if you'd be kind enough to drop a quarter in the coffee can on the porch, you can go ahead and take as many as you'd like. Oh, and that's on Cowper Street, the yellow house.

Have You Seen the Mailman?

It's getting late, and Mailman Jim still hasn't been come back from his route. Everyone at the post office is worried. They're wondering whether he got sleepy and took a nap in his truck, as he will sometimes do, but they're also scared that he was serious about the whisperings from the sewer grate, and that the things have claimed him.

Dog Park Discovery Prompts Immediate Closure

The Deeply Shallows Memorial Dog Park will be closed until further notice following this morning's discovery of as-yet-unidentified non-canid animal remains on the premises. If you have any information about the source of the remains, or if you believe you have grounds to claim ownership of the remains, please contact Animal Control. Do not contact the parks department, which will be closed until further notice following last night's discovery of as-yet-unidentified non-canid animal remains in Deputy Director Drigmore's office.

Representatives from neighboring Borough Acres wish to welcome all Waffle Town dog owners to visit their dog park, which, as of this morning, was free of animal remains.