What Happened This Weekend?

• Beloved scamp Li'l Eddie is all grown up, and on Saturday he finally left home for the big city. He'll be off at college, studying important functions of the human brain.
• Pork-pie hats were on sale at Buggley Clothiers, and boy did they sell!
• Today's softball game was canceled after more than half of the available players revealed that they were not actually familiar with the sport.
• After last night's incident, the Waffle Town Philatelic Society will no longer be holding its bi-weekly meetings in the Happy Hamlet Retirement Community recreation room.

Acorn Jam Soon to Please Populace

The moment you've been waiting for is here: Ma Hinkle has started making her famous acorn jam. The first batch should be available next month, and you can place an order by visiting Hinkle farm and asking for Clem.

Don't be confused when he doesn't write down your information; Clem's got a good memory and Ma's real proud of him.

Weather Emergency: Instructions & Helpful Tips

Due to a weather emergency, all government services have been temporarily suspended. In addition, all privately-owned businesses are temporarily forbidden from operating. Saturday classes are canceled, even for home-schooled children. The hospital, which is running on emergency power, will be turning away all but those with the most pressing ailments. 

Remain inside your homes; do not answer knocks on your door. If you become bored or ill-at-ease, take a nap, or read a book or magazine. If you lose power, don't fret: it will come back on eventually. Do not share unpleasant news or long pent-up secrets with any housemates, as you will be spending many hours in close proximity and will want to avoid an incident.

Finally, if your home is equipped with a secure underground shelter, resist the temptation to retreat into it. This will all blow over eventually.

Good Night, Sweet Comptroller

The mayor's office is deeply saddened to announce the passing of County Comptroller and lifelong Waffle Town resident Templeton Gloam. Comptroller Gloam, 96, died peacefully in his bed this morning while surrounded by friends and loved ones, mere hours after being run over by a garbage truck. His decades of service to the community will not soon be forgotten.

Blood Now

The hospital needs your blood. People from the hospital are driving around in vans. Get into one of their vans and let them take your blood. 

How You Can Clip Their Wings

This Thursday at the schoolhouse, local pigeon-keeper Gompers Larry will host another of his celebrated wing-clipping classes. In this hour-long seminar, Mr. Larry will show attendees the proper way to de-wing and domestify all manner of small birds and farmfowl. If time permits, he will also review the basics of beak honing. Are you in possession of a small (350g or less) bird? Feel free to bring it along for practice.

Please arrive at a quarter to seven, and make sure to have clean hands. The class is free to attend, though Mr. Larry's popular pamphlet, "Making the Bird Acceptable", will be available for purchase.

Outhouse Tax Hike

Town Council is expected to approve a 2% property tax increase for owners of outhouses next week. Despite continued modernization efforts by the sanitation department, rural tradition and a general distrust of indoor plumbing have kept Waffle Town's outhouses per capita well above the national average. 

Much Appreciated

As a new year begins and final testing comes to a close, Dr. Capstrain and her team at the Institute wish to formally thank the people of Waffle Town for their participation in Project Sapphire Beach. In addition, Dr. Capstrain and her team wish to retroactively inform the people of Waffle Town that they will be participating in Project Sapphire Beach.