20 June 2020

Light News for Your Funday

  • The "fence hooligan" appears to be "at it" again; check your fences to see if they have been broken or vandalized. 
  • He (The Man) will be selling peat by the barrow-load from out the barn. Do not forgo this timely offer.
  • There is no more news.

11 June 2020

Did You Expect This Month to Be One for Horsing Off?

Are you not familiar with the reputation of the working folk of Waffle Town? Did you mean to suggest that there'd be nothing doing come June? Whence came to you to such a notion? Have you not eyes? Ears? What a fool you are. What a miserable little creature you have shown yourself to be.

31 March 2020

A Word of Warning!

Citizens caught engaging in "horror-terror" activities will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

16 March 2020

Light News for Your Monday

An offer for free piano lessons was posted to the town hall corkboard by person unknown. It does not list a telephone number. Leave your information with Judy at the front desk and you will be contacted if the mystery poster makes a return.

Meanwhile, Animal Control asks that those who reside south of Filch Creek be on the lookout for hogs what got loose overnight.

Thank you.

11 March 2020

Flesh of YOUR Flesh! Bone of YOUR Bones!

In Waffle Town you can share! You can share everything, even your body, even your thoughts, even your memories! There is no difference between one Waffle Town citizen and the other! Not in spirit, not in body!

04 March 2020

No Funny Business, No Foolin'

Reports of tractors running well on into the night "of their own accord" can now be explained by way of meteorological phenomena. Scientists from the Institute spoke with local landowners and laid out in great detail why things that seem as though they should not be in fact are, and the landowners are said to be satisfied with what they were told.

This reporter's opinion? That's great!

29 February 2020

Farewell, O Shoe Polishing Stand

The "famous" shoe-polishing stand on Buckle Street will soon be no more, as town officials have reached by unanimous vote a decision to sell it for firewood at six dollars a plank. Uncle Hobert, who ruined himself with drink, abandoned his station at the shoe-polishing stand some ten years ago and has not been seen since.

21 February 2020

Rats in the Streets

We're very sorry, Waffle Town reader, but there are rats in the streets. God forgive us.

11 February 2020

Youths, You May Not Climb the Water Tower

Following last night's broken-femur foofaraw, Sheriff Ramage would like to remind the aimless youths of Waffle Town that it is forbidden to climb the water tower, and that any and all persons—indeed any and all of persons of any age—who are caught climbing the water tower will be subject to a public shaming at Sourpuss Junction.

06 February 2020

Corn... On the Go!

Farmer Terry is "pleased and proud" to announce a new healthful treat on offer at his farmstand this coming spring, and that it is called "corn-upon-stick" and will be served with butter on request. Salt, too, is offered.

29 January 2020

Opinion: Hotel Flesh is Real

Everyone who slept in the old hotel left a piece of their soul-skin there; this idea cannot be dismissed. They told me to leave the meeting at Town Hall, and I said okay, fine. They told me not to hand out my leaflets, and I soiled myself in protest. Don't you understand that God is under the earth, making Its spirals, squirming and aching. If I could paint what I see when I dream, if I could only, and if I could. What are we but a buildup of coulds.

This week's opinion was submitted by The Boar, so named because of her deformity.

20 January 2020

Mr. Grover Fascinated by Garbage

Who's that picking up garbage around town? And why does he keep putting it back down?

Local curiosity "Mr. Grover" is understood to have taken an interest in garbage, and citizens are asked to leave him be; after all, "it's only garbage," says the Mayor.

Leave a bit extra out on the curb tonight—you just might make an old man's day!

13 January 2020

We Have Finally Disposed of That Rotting Horse

You may resume fishing at the pond now.