RUMMAGE SALE

Drag yourself to Gertie's rummage sale. There will be trinkets. There will be plenty of foolish filth with which you might busy yourself. Bring goods for barter. Your money will not be accepted. You foul ape. You cur.

It's Raining Cats and Dogs Out There

Due to heavy rains which have already caused several minor traffic accidents, the sheriff's department is advising motorists to stay off the roads this morning unless travel is absolutely necessary. All residents should also be aware that while there has been some flooding, it is not the fulfillment of prophecy.

Got 'Em Cramps

Cincy said Jarrell got 'em cramps. Jarrell can't but lie down with them cramps. What's a boy to do, and the priest was there, and Charles.

Talent Show Deadline Looms

Any Waffle Town residents still interested in performing in the annual Talent Show have until noon on Friday to submit their applications. Please remember to describe your talent in as much detail as you can manage, and please remember that your talent CANNOT involve snakes or any other sort of serpents. Applications can still be obtained at Town Hall. Ask for Grover L. (Not Grover S.)

Mellow Mornings on WTWN Radio

WTWN Radio (AM 870) is proud to announce the return of Mellow Mornings, the pleasant wake-me-up chat show formerly hosted by Donnelly St. Douglas, God rest him. Join new host Brian Honrets every morning from 5:15 to "When the Coffee's Run Out" for light conservation and wholesome observations. Scheduled for Monday: your recipes, and a talk with Farmer Gomez.

WTWN Radio extends its thanks to The Sumichrast Foundation, F.I.Y. Incongruities, V.H. Cantacuzino & Co., Acres Farms, and Sensational Seasonings GmbH for their ongoing sponsorship.

A Thought for Your Afternoon

The mayor's office would like all citizens of Waffle Town, upon seeing flattened remains on the side of the road, to consider the abject terror that was the final, paralyzing experience of the hapless animal before it was crudely bisected.

Equipment Wanted

Farmer Jenks is looking to buy or barter for a tiller, one in decent shape, on account of his own tiller, which has served him nobly, has begun to show its age. He'd be willing to trade ten of his chickens, or maybe two of his goats. Farmer Jenks is also interested in getting his hands on a small-caliber rifle to take care of his rabbit problem. Failing that, he'd gladly pay to learn how to communicate with the rabbits, in order to warn them against future trespass.