A Tantamount for Cats?

Local crackpot Phyllis Tinge is imploring town council to institute a "tantamount for cats" [sic] before the start of the new year, though she is unable to explain exactly what that means. She claims that if her pleas continue to be ignored, "extreme measures" may have to be taken. What does that mean, exactly? Ms. Tinge could not be reached for further comment.

Calling All Huskers!

After a recent outbreak of debilitating numismatism within Waffle Town's close-knit cornhusker set, the office of agriculture is asking for volunteer huskers, preferably with two to three years of husking experience, to pick up the slack. Inquire at Big Sally's!

a cleanup.Reply Reply All CC Subject Hey this needs

0778About note from Crawshaw
0779Please delete reference to "directed-energy weapon" from bulletin

Not Shaving is Misbehaving

With the days growing colder, the sheriff's department would like to reiterate that men are prohibited from wearing beards anywhere south of Druthers Road.

Your Week in Brief

• That crack in the sidewalk isn't going to fix itself! The mayor's office is still asking for volunteers to fix the broken walkway in front of Town Hall, since the only available construction crew "didn't feel like it."
• Precious Goblin, the unfortunately-named youngster who stole the town's heart at this summer's talent show, was detained for making sandwiches without a license.
• Paradoxical as it may seem, you have entered into a realm that lies beyond the grasp of the Creator.
• In a first for Waffle Town, resident Wilma Chadberry became the proud mother of quadruplets. She's expecting to keep all four.
• Brrr! It sure was cold today—so cold, in fact, that the polar bears at the zoo stopped begging to be killed.

Today's Corn News

Today's corn prices are in. Prices are per bushel.

Yellow Corn..........................................$3.20
Blue Corn..............................................$3.23
Corn Five..............................................$3.21
Corn Classic..........................................$3.26
"Normal" Corn......................................$3.18
"Excitement" Corn................................$3.35
Valley Corn...........................................$3.06
Peach Corn............................................$3.20
Foreign Corn.........................................$3.28
Saturnine Corn......................................$3.29
Other Corn............................................$3.13

Corn sold well today in all markets. Prices are not expected to fluctuate, barring plague.

Local Woman Offers Good Deal on Hairbrushes

Knitting Club founder and "Miss Waffle Town 1981" Marnie Nevins would like to announce that, after several requests, she's begun selling off her large collection of gently-used hairbrushes. You can find them in her yard in a metal pail (the one next to the old brown shed) and if you'd be kind enough to drop a quarter in the coffee can on the porch, you can go ahead and take as many as you'd like. Oh, and that's on Cowper Street, the yellow house.

Have You Seen the Mailman?

It's getting late, and Mailman Jim still hasn't been come back from his route. Everyone at the post office is worried. They're wondering whether he got sleepy and took a nap in his truck, as he will sometimes do, but they're also scared that he was serious about the whisperings from the sewer grate, and that the things have claimed him.

Dog Park Discovery Prompts Immediate Closure

The Deeply Shallows Memorial Dog Park will be closed until further notice following this morning's discovery of as-yet-unidentified non-canid animal remains on the premises. If you have any information about the source of the remains, or if you believe you have grounds to claim ownership of the remains, please contact Animal Control. Do not contact the parks department, which will be closed until further notice following last night's discovery of as-yet-unidentified non-canid animal remains in Deputy Director Drigmore's office.

Representatives from neighboring Borough Acres wish to welcome all Waffle Town dog owners to visit their dog park, which, as of this morning, was free of animal remains.

Alert! Upcoming Poll!

Reader, how familiar are you with personal hygiene? 

Local health officials, in collaboration with "John Howard Shanks" of Tinto Corbago fame, are planning to launch a town-wide hygiene awareness campaign. How much soap do you use? Per year? Per month? Per day? Do you know what soap is? Where do you buy your soap? What's your favorite soap? Is it really your favorite soap? Look forward to answering these questions (mandatory) and more in the coming weeks.

News of Peculiar Interest

Neighboring Glum Gulch will soon begin offering suicide encouragement to persons who exhibit signs of aberrant thinking. For further information, please contact the town's Goodmaster General.

Mavis is Missing

Police, medical personnel, and concerned citizens continue their search for Aunt Mavis, who disappeared from the retirement home last night around dinnertime. According to her roommate, she intended to go into the woods "to meet the man", though her moderate dementia and the fact that the Man of the Woods has not been seen in decades makes this unlikely. If you have any knowledge of Aunt Mavis's whereabouts, or simply want to help, please contact the Sheriff's Department.

Your Voyage to the Tented Bath

Before departing for the Tented Bath, make sure you've packed your towel, a change of clothes, cleated footwear, a handkerchief, a pair of goggles, lip balm, and your passport. Crantz will pick you up from the station at about six. Six, six-ten.

Don't be late! Else Crantz will become enraged, and the tremors will begin.

Around Town with Phil Kreame

THANKS AGAIN to Waffle Town's own Ailteira Chikynbeest for her rousing weekend performance of "Sailor Gomez" at last weekend's Big Weekend Goodtime Festival, and thanks to all who could attend and also those who meant to attend but were busy fishing.

Goodness, it's almost that time of year again: paint your wagons! Wagonfest, formerly Wagons-a-Go-Go, has been canceled due to lack of interest, but I'd sure appreciate it if you'd paint your wagons regardless.

Where's your hat? With the sun so bright and oppressive, not wearing a hat is downright foolish. How are you going to protect your head? Don't you know what you keep in your head, and how important it is? Do you want them to be able to see inside your head, with the bright light of the sun shining down on it?

Crime: who's committing it in Waffle Town? Silly Hank, a youth whose "footpath follies" gave many parkgoers a scare and earned him innumerable slaps, has been rightfully caned. Will he recover? The word on the street is: Who Cares?

Until next week,
Phil Kreame, DDS

Editor's Note: Around Town with Phil Kreame has been discontinued. Services for Mr. Kreame will be held this Friday at the First Church of Our Special Favorite.

Special Announcement

The mayor's office wishes to remind you that in the fight against the Idolater, all means are justified.

Welcome to Waffle Town, Welcome to Waffle Town

Welcome to Waffle Town. We're going to kill your dog.

Doctors Patient, Stress Calm

It appears a handful of local children have come down with Muzzleford's Complaint, the first instance of the disease within town borders for over forty years. County health officials have stated that there is no need for alarm: all children below the age of six have been temporarily quarantined, and another shipment of rash cream should arrive from the manufacturer any day now.

Breathe a Sigh of Relief

Animal Control is happy to announce that they're successfully located and destroyed that runaway peacock. Interested parties are welcome to the feathers.

Emulsifier Needed, Inquire Within (Thyself)

Fr. Earhoarne is looking for a new Sin Emulsifier, following the retirement of Jamlers. If you wish the position, fast for three days. If your soul is found worthy, Father will come to you. You need not come to the chapel, for there will be made a beacon of your inmost light.

Park No Place for Chairs, Says Top Cop

Who left a well-used swivel chair on its side in the middle of the park? Police aren't sure, and they're asking anyone with information to come forward. Three miscreants were arrested in the aftermath of the chair's discovery, but they have since been released. Sheriff Ramage, however, is confident that it's only a matter of time until the culprit is found.

Death: No Man Can Escape Its Grasp

Monmouth Cranty, Waffle Town's oldest resident, has died at age 103. Foul play is not suspected.

Since Mr. Cranty had no living relatives, and since no friends or colleagues have come forward to arrange his funeral, he will be entombed within his one-room lakeside shack. Entombed along with him will be his doubtless plentiful observations about a changing Waffle Town, none of which he chose to share, all of which are now lost to time.

Gretchen Gharble, age 102, is now Waffle Town's oldest resident. We wish her luck.

Sundry Items

• Tonight at Town Hall, the merits of small orange pylons versus gargantuan stone pylons will be debated, and all are welcome to join.
• Hezekiah, it's time to come home.
• Where do all those uneaten pickles go? Staff at the diner tell us that they're fed to stray cats, who are not so appreciative.
• Summering in Waffle Town? Why not fall, winter, and spring in Waffle Town? You're welcome to stay.
• Town workers will remove the fire hydrant in front of the old tire shop tomorrow, because nobody cares if it burns down.

Potential New Communication Scheme Excites, Enthralls

Norma Cloonts, inventor of spray-on eggs, will unveil her latest work at Town Hall tonight, as part of the ongoing "Waffle Town: Our Future and Yours" series of lectures on personal and societal betterment. Dubbed the "Alfingbet", Ms. Cloonts' new "information transmission system" replaces our alphabet's least popular letters with helical symbols pleasing to the eye, and introduces a series of "quick and sharp vocalizations" as shorthand for over a hundred commonly-used phrases.

Ms. Cloonts' system has already been adopted wholesale by the town council of Moosehead Hollow; will Waffle Town, she recently asked, be "forward-thinking" enough to follow?

Interesting Incident on Route 5

Early this morning, a police officer patrolling Route 5 pulled over an unmarked white truck for exceeding the speed limit. The driver, who could not produce identification, fled into the surrounding woods at the first opportunity and is presumed dead.

Upon inspection, the abandoned truck was found to be carrying several hundred loaves of bread, which, according to the officer on the scene, "tasted good", and have since been delivered to the supermarket for sale to the public.

Hello and Good Morning; Wake Up, for It is a New Day

A new week dawns on Waffle Town, and it is your responsibility as a citizen to arise and greet it. Will you fulfill this sacred duty? If you are having difficulty, visit one of the many new "brightness booths" installed around town. 

If you are feeling out of sorts, you can be brought back into the light. If you are feeling incorrect, you can be corrected. If you are feeling like you don't belong in Waffle Town, you can be corrected.

Sorry About Your Empty Mailbox

Postermaster Brevits wishes to apologize for the lack of deliveries today. It was Gary's turn to deliver the mail, but he overslept.

Coming Up This Week in Waffle Town

• Use your nouns! It's Noun Week, and that's county-wide.
• Schoolchildren can look forward to a bit of entertainment during lunch, courtesy of local favorite Crackers the Silly Clown.
• The trees are beginning to bloom, and you will be reminded of the impermanence of all things.
• Going for a drive? Starting this Wednesday, Prescott Road will once again be open to motor traffic.
• Folks who like to fish are in luck this week, as local entomologists have announced the discovery of a "massive worm surplus".

Farming Equipment for Sale, It's a Bargain

It's a bargain: farming equipment for sale, all of it used, down at Erdolac Farm.

2 tractors (1 unclean)
1 post-hole digger
1 drill auger, many years old
1 wheelbarrow, red
1 wheelbarrow, unpainted

And that's it unless Zeb finds something else in the shed, and also the shed is for sale. Bring handmade goods for bartering if you haven't got money.

A Report from Deathless Crocodile, in the Field

Were your eyes not trapped inside your head they could be grabbed and massaged

Slimy Pond De-mucked in Dog Drama

Dredging began at Vlimy Pond, locally and derisively known as Slimy Pond, this morning as police continued their search for the mayor's missing poodle. It is speculated that the same pungent odor and surly wildlife that keep residents away from the pond might have drawn the wayward pooch to a watery grave.

Did You Know?

No living astronaut hails from Waffle Town.

Health Department Recommends Taking it Easy

With temperatures on the rise, county health officials are advising residents to forgo their strenuous tasks in favor of rest and relaxation. Laboring out of doors? Take a breather. Errands to run? They can wait. Sit on the porch and enjoy a cool beverage. There's nothing to worry about, and there will never be anything to worry about.

A Tragic Turnaround

After a stunning defeat at the hands of Coldthorpe Technical, Dan "Can" Fellows and his "Welders on the Bushel" were eliminated from this season's championship round. They will be reevaluated, and if found to be beyond help, gassed.

Local Business Celebrates Fifty Years

Town fixture Heckley's Hardware enters its fiftieth year of serving the needs of our community this month. Owner Morton Heckley opened the store when he was but twenty-one, and can still be found behind the front counter every day of the week. We asked Mr. Heckley if he'd like to share a few words to mark the occasion, and he was happy to oblige.

"I still remember where I was," said Mr. Heckley, "when the thought first occured to me. 'Open up a hardware store,' a voice seemed to say. Clear as that. Clear as that. Truth be told, I was never that handy. Hadn't even swung a hammer 'til I was seventeen, eighteen abouts, and my father, who worked at a desk, wore a tie and everything, 'til he thought to build a trellis for the garden. Mother always wanted one. Anyway, I was made to help out, though I would've offered regardless. I wouldn't say it was formative, but it introduced me to working with my hands. I continued to consider law school. Here, my parents did little to encourage me. Don't get me wrong: they would've been supportive. Moral support, at least. But facts were facts, and could they afford the tuition? Probably not. Could I? God knows. Looking back, I can't tell you why I thought of law school to begin with. The germ was just there, in the back of mind. My uncle, great-uncle, he was a lawyer. I think the idea came from the word; my imagination built a possible future on the foundation of that word. Is this making sense? I think we understand the word incorrectly, as a youth we do, I mean, or if not incorrectly then in a skewed sort of manner. Then we, our imaginations, they grow around it. Is this making sense? So, maybe I didn't want to be a lawyer, but I had the idea of 'lawyer', the word, in my head, and that was the trail my mind followed. As a youth, anyway. I wasn't called to it. I wasn't called like I was to opening a hardware store. That's what happened. A voice, not a voice like a talking voice, a voice you felt like a vibration in your bones, your skull, it said 'Open up a hardware store,' just like that. No explanation for it. Who can explain it? I've got my health, I've got my mental health. These things just happen, and I'm not too much of a believer, so I won't comment as to that. But it happened. That's another idea, you know, like the lawyer idea, that the imagination can build on, but I was what, I was twenty-one, and there's that clarity you have as an adult. You speak the world's language. So I told my father about the voice and he wasn't a big talker, not too silent, but not a big talker. And we discussed it, matter of fact like, the possibility of opening a store, I mean. He told me to talk to the neighbor across the street, old fellow, Mr. Polk, never did know what he did for a living as a youth but it turned out he owned a hardware store next town over. Mr. Polk, he must've been ninety at the time, but he could talk. He could talk. 'Every town needs one,' he told me, 'so you're doing your duty and you're safe.' Safe or secure, he said. He wanted to emphasize that it wasn't fleeting, I mean. So he says to me I'll be safe, or secure, and then he tells me his own story, and I'll never forget this, 'I was drifting', he says, 'from town to town, state to state, and this was after my home got knocked flat by a tornado. And I'm taking that like a message from God, because the other explanations, they'll drive you to the madhouse. I drifted for a couple of years, doing odd jobs as I found them, until one day I heard a voice: "Open up a hardware store," it said to me.' Now you can imagine what I felt, the chill that ran down my spine, when he said these words. He had heard the voice, too. He was called. And I confided with him, and he could see how his story shook me, so I confided with him about hearing the words, and he nodded. That's all, just nodded. We discussed it no further. And truth be told, I never saw him again, never visited, never told him about the store after I opened it. I figured he knew. He could've seen my destiny, the trajectory of my life, drawn out before him the moment he knew I was called. So, he knew I opened the store, that I'm sure of."

Our thanks to Mr. Heckley for his time.

Welcome Up, Welcome Down

The Waffle Town Visitors' Vestibule, formerly the Waffle Town Welcome Shack, will soon be getting a second floor. A disused toll booth, found at the county dump and currently in the process of being refurbished, will be affixed to the roof of the existing building and made accessible via ladder. A display of taxidermied local wildlife is planned, as is an expansion of the mayoral portrait gallery.

Further details will be given at tonight's town meeting.

You Will Stop Shooting Badgers

Sheriff Ramage is putting an immediate and indefinite stop to badger hunting, following news that badger populations across the county have fallen to record lows. The badger, assumed to be a large member of the rodent family, is critically important to the local ecosystem in its role as the main predator of invasive species like the greater berryskink and whip-chancer wheelfly.

Spurréd Boots Barred from Milk Bar

Gentlemen in spurréd boots are no longer welcome in Mabel's Milk Bar, its fine hardwood floors having suffered "scuffs and scrapes both frequent and violent," according to owner Mabel Muzzy. Footwear may be removed before entering, but slippers will not be provided. Patrons who disagree with the new rule are invited to take their business—and their spurs—to Snyder's Milk Bar, down the road.

Your Weekly News Roundup

• The warm weather led to many residents keeping their windows open this week, which in turn led to an increase in noise complaints.
• Some children made chalk drawings on the sidewalk outside their home. They were then scolded.
• Waffle Town was named the most wholesome town in the county for the 86th year in a row.
• All steel railings were removed from the church. No more steel railings.
• The town's coffers could receive a much-needed boost following news that Great Aunt Gladys died, having possibly named us in her will.
• A new mayor was chosen, obviating the need for a burdensome election process.
• Pipsy the Puppy is no longer with us.

You Want Beetles? They've Got Beetles!

Of course we're talking about the Rolling Beetle Museum, which you can visit on Peach Street on Monday, Apple Street on Tuesday, Pear Street on Wednesday, and then never again.

Unpleasant Business in Neighboring Village

Over 50 employees were evacuated from the chemical plant in Burough Acres this morning after reports of fluid leaking from a storage tank. Though the suspected leak was eventually found to originate from a spilled can of carbonated soft-drink, county officials insist that they are taking no chances with public safety, and have ordered the surrounding woodland defoliated and all plant personnel trucked across state lines for extended decontamination. 

Any Waffle Town residents who were in Burough Acres at the time of the incident are being asked to remain there for the indefinite future.

There is Nothing to Worry About

Patrons of Budgeon Farm's roadside stand report that the new crop of apples have a metallic taste to them. After several letters and complaints, we reached out to Farmer Budgeon, who assured us that that was intended.

Old Shoe Found

How lonely it must feel without its companion.

Free Outdoor History Lecture

Professor Piltwater has some thoughts to share about industrialization in the 19th century. He'll be shouting them from the street corner outside the tobacco shop until midnight, and you're welcome to stop by.

A Minor Correction

During last night's town meeting, it was mistakenly announced that cromus bindings would again be performed at Nitchfield this summer. Due to ongoing renovations at Nitchfield, they will instead be performed at Grimehauser, along with all previously-scheduled Sequence Two harmonies.

The town council apologizes for the error, and wishes to thank Elder Nineback for his wisdom and generosity.

Proper Opera Attire Tips Tops

Going to the opera house in the big city? It's the dream of many Waffle Town residents to spend an evening in this manner. But what to wear? How to fit in? 

Advice of this sort does not come easy; neither does it come often. It will be yours to peruse, however, thanks to a special pull-out section in next week's Waffle Town Bee. In this beautiful and informative feature—presented in full color!—fine-living expert Ellery Caffodil covers the ins and outs of rubbing elbows with the cosmopolitan set.

Topics include:

• Suit buttons
• The gentleman's mannered gait

And more! 

Where to Put the Old Birch Tree?

It's a leap year, so the Old Birch Tree is on the move again, as dictated by local tradition. The Waffle Town Birch-Tree Caretakers, however, are unsure of where to put it and have to decided to host a meeting at Town Hall tonight to field suggestions from the public.

If you're interested in where to put the Old Birch Tree, please show up at eight and say your piece. If you don't particularly care, but are still interested in listening to a hearty debate, you're just as welcome.

Hot drinks will be served; cold drinks will be available from the vending machine on the second floor.

Fruit Fire Under Control

We're relieved to report that the fire that began last night at Ned's apple cart has been put out. In related news, the Singed Hair Society will begin meeting again, starting this coming Wednesday at Town Hall.

Country Road to See Repairs After Sinkhole Snafu

Rockpile Road is finally getting some much-needed attention this week. The rural road's condition has worsened in the five decades since it was last repaved and painted, and after Farmer Grimesby's tractor was swallowed up by what town officials are calling "an unsettlingly deep fissure", room is being made in the budget to see to these pressing problems.

Repairs are expected to begin next month and carry on into the new year. In the meantime, those who would normally use Rockpile Road will have to use the service road that passes through Cruncher Hill, or travel on foot by way of the Old Woodsman's Path.

Good News! Every Person Who Has Ever Lived

Was Called to Waffle Town

The Deadline is Approaching

Submissions to the annual photo contest will be accepted until Monday at noon and absolutely no later. Due to an unexpected influx of photographs of cows, the contest organizers regret to announce that no more photographs of cows will be accepted.

Monday at noon. No cows.

A Report from Delmer, in the Field

"Them boys went up to Groom's Lick and we ain't seen hide nor hair of 'em since. Must be the woods what got 'em."

Thanks, Delmer!

That is a Flavorful Meat-Ball (Advertisement)

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Yes, you can buy meat-balls from Crandall's food cart. Savory and nutritious, they are sure to satisfy. Why not try them on a roll or bun? Crandall operates his cart at all hours of the day, all days of the week, rain or shine. Ask for Crandall, ask for quality.

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What Happened This Weekend?

• Beloved scamp Li'l Eddie is all grown up, and on Saturday he finally left home for the big city. He'll be off at college, studying important functions of the human brain.
• Pork-pie hats were on sale at Buggley Clothiers, and boy did they sell!
• Today's softball game was canceled after more than half of the available players revealed that they were not actually familiar with the sport.
• After last night's incident, the Waffle Town Philatelic Society will no longer be holding its bi-weekly meetings in the Happy Hamlet Retirement Community recreation room.

Acorn Jam Soon to Please Populace

The moment you've been waiting for is here: Ma Hinkle has started making her famous acorn jam. The first batch should be available next month, and you can place an order by visiting Hinkle farm and asking for Clem.

Don't be confused when he doesn't write down your information; Clem's got a good memory and Ma's real proud of him.

Weather Emergency: Instructions & Helpful Tips

Due to a weather emergency, all government services have been temporarily suspended. In addition, all privately-owned businesses are temporarily forbidden from operating. Saturday classes are canceled, even for home-schooled children. The hospital, which is running on emergency power, will be turning away all but those with the most pressing ailments. 

Remain inside your homes; do not answer knocks on your door. If you become bored or ill-at-ease, take a nap, or read a book or magazine. If you lose power, don't fret: it will come back on eventually. Do not share unpleasant news or long pent-up secrets with any housemates, as you will be spending many hours in close proximity and will want to avoid an incident.

Finally, if your home is equipped with a secure underground shelter, resist the temptation to retreat into it. This will all blow over eventually.

Good Night, Sweet Comptroller

The mayor's office is deeply saddened to announce the passing of County Comptroller and lifelong Waffle Town resident Templeton Gloam. Comptroller Gloam, 96, died peacefully in his bed this morning while surrounded by friends and loved ones, mere hours after being run over by a garbage truck. His decades of service to the community will not soon be forgotten.

Blood Now

The hospital needs your blood. People from the hospital are driving around in vans. Get into one of their vans and let them take your blood. 

How You Can Clip Their Wings

This Thursday at the schoolhouse, local pigeon-keeper Gompers Larry will host another of his celebrated wing-clipping classes. In this hour-long seminar, Mr. Larry will show attendees the proper way to de-wing and domestify all manner of small birds and farmfowl. If time permits, he will also review the basics of beak honing. Are you in possession of a small (350g or less) bird? Feel free to bring it along for practice.

Please arrive at a quarter to seven, and make sure to have clean hands. The class is free to attend, though Mr. Larry's popular pamphlet, "Making the Bird Acceptable", will be available for purchase.

Outhouse Tax Hike

Town Council is expected to approve a 2% property tax increase for owners of outhouses next week. Despite continued modernization efforts by the sanitation department, rural tradition and a general distrust of indoor plumbing have kept Waffle Town's outhouses per capita well above the national average. 

Much Appreciated

As a new year begins and final testing comes to a close, Dr. Capstrain and her team at the Institute wish to formally thank the people of Waffle Town for their participation in Project Sapphire Beach. In addition, Dr. Capstrain and her team wish to retroactively inform the people of Waffle Town that they will be participating in Project Sapphire Beach.