New Disease Discovered!

"Unusual and Dangerous Protrusions from Skull"

Old Mule Dead; None Mourn

Who could possibly have cared about that old mule? If the whispers shared among the townsfolk are to be believed, nobody! Nobody cared for the old creature! Nobody can even muster up the energy to kick its corpse! Rot in hell, you old mule!

Lawnmower Needed

If anyone is free on Sunday to mow the lawn at the old Hacklout House (where the parson died), it'd be most welcome. Please and thank you.

WHEAT!

We are growing it! IN WAFFLE TOWN!

There is No Up

Don't forget to swing by Town Hall for tonight's debate on whether the sky is made of air or of invisible, silent bricks of a substance called Phluron, currently unknown to science.

There's Been a Delay, Sez Transpo Director

Director of Transportation Morton Gomez acknowledged this morning that there has been a delay, that the department is looking into the delay, and that no further questions regarding the delay are necessary.

The director declined to thank residents for their understanding.

Memo from Upper Management

Waffle Town reader, it is very important that you check under your desk lamp for possible tampering.

Tractors on the Move

The local economy looks to be on the upswing following news that Earl-Carl Jeffers has already sold three tractors this year, up from last year's respectable two. Farming-equipment mainstays Dumfries & Hartigan, meanwhile, sold a whopping four tractors in June alone, in addition to three compact utility tractors.

We'll go ahead and keep you folks updated.

I am Tired of Correcting You

For the last time, it is Waffle Town, not Waffleton. This shouldn't be confusing. They barely even have any cows in Waffleton.

Who's That Standing on Peach Street?

It sure isn't Farmer Wyatt, because he is at home with his wife. And yet it does look like Farmer Wyatt. Enough to be his brother, his twin. Isn't that Farmer Wyatt's favorite red shirt that he's wearing? That scar on his chin, too, is unmistakable. But it cannot be Farmer Wyatt, because he is at home with his wife.

Single-Question Survey

The mayor's office wants to know: Have you made up your mind to be annihilated?

Sorry! We're Closed

As we are currently being fumigated, Waffle Town will be closed to visitors for the remainder of the week.

No Sharks in Creek, Say Eggheads

Sightings of "fins" are but folly, claim scientists from the Institute, who hope to put to rest "ignorant" rumors of incongruous aquafauna in Waffle Town's own Catchapenny Creek. Speaking through an interpreter, an Institute representative assured reporters that the creek offers neither the depth nor the salinity to allow such creatures to exist, much less thrive.

Summon the boy.

Let him know that we must talk about what was left in the forge.

Zoo's Favorite Gorilla Contemplates Escape

Friendly Roy, a favorite at the local zoo, is understood to be contemplating escape—according to his keepers, at least. Should we not indulge him? After all, what is a gorilla but an unusual man with hidden priorities?

A Message from the Mayor's Office, to Our Reporters

Not too much news for the little piggies!

Not too much news, now!

We wouldn't want to spoil them!

Vast Treasures!

A hole here, a hole there; holes are appearing all over Waffle Town as treasure hunters, armed with metal detectors and a taste for adventure, set to work searching for the innumerable golden nuggets said to be buried throughout the town by crazed miners during our brief turn-of-the-century precious-metals boom. Whether these myths are based in reality—they aren't—is irrelevant, as these treasure hunters, in their folly, are only helping Waffle Town meet this year's "hole quota".

Close Your Windows

The sun has barely set on Waffle Town, but the sheriff's department has already received several noise complaints.

Says Sheriff Ramage, "I don't care if it's a pleasant evening. I don't care if you've got something to celebrate. If you're going to make a ruckus, keep it indoors and close your dang windows."

Folk'll Talk: Sunday Edition

"Dogs shouldn't have last names. They haven't earned that right." - Minnie Hudgkins, age 12

"A war will be fought in the sky, but not by men." - Abel Cloney, local favorite

"Farmer Mabel's maple syrup is so good, she oughta be called Farmer Maple!" - Pansy McDonagh, baker

"I will keep them in a 'people zoo'. They will please me by just being." - Vagrant, unnamed

Special Announcement

The mayor's office would like to remind everyone that neither money nor love will save you from the next world or follow you into it.

from: Olli Lancoste
to: quincy.waffle@waffleheritage.gov
date: Tue, May 20, 2008 at 12:39 PM
subject: RE: blank files??
mailed-by: crm82.pdososrv.net

Dave,

Until you decalcify tubes four and five, you're going to keep getting the same results. There's no way to bring this thing back - or forward - when impurities are keeping it in a single stream. Stream 4238.B Morrison (confirmed 2019) has been reached twice. 4821.B Morrison (2004?) is giving us a weak signal. Can you have Viv take a look?

One more thing: we found traces of winsome violet outside of Ferry's Farm, which means town square wasn't the only site of overlap. We don't know which stream it came from, but as long as it wasn't Precambrian we'll be fine, right?

The Pain Van: Coming to Cure "What Ails Ya"

If you're a Waffle Town resident who experiences severe leg or back pain, you're in luck! Today at noon, the famous Pain Van will be making its bi-annual trip to Waffle Town. Just ring your dinner bell as the van approaches and remain seated as the certified painfellows give you a thorough once-over.

Note: Do not eat or drink anything in the hour before receiving your pain relief.

Today's Weather

Like a hammer to a nail, rain continues to hammer down on Waffle Town with unrelentingness, resembling a portrait someone would paint of a rainy village. Rain is good for crops, sure, if they're wanting to grow, but it's also bad for people. Because it gets 'em wet, and they don't like it. If there's gonna be rain, I think it should be on a hot day, so we can cool off!

Thanks, and this was the weather report from Tommy, age of thirteen.

Free Eye Exams

Great news for Waffle Town's rheumiest: Ethel Gardenia is back to offering free eye exams. While unable to give out prescriptions, Ms. Gardenia is ready to offer close approximations and general advice. Knock on the back door of her house between noon and sundown for an appointment.

Town Council Approves Construction of New Ziggurat

Foundation to be laid this fall. Hail, hail.

Wanna Stay? Gotta Pay!

Visitors to Waffle Town, take heart! Get off of that "friend's couch", that "park bench"! The "hotel" is open!

That's right: the Cranchmire Hotel (formerly Cranchmire & Sons Funeral Home) is officially welcoming guests, starting tomorrow!

Proprietor Marcie Groosevelt insists upon payment before allowing guests to take accommodations, so have that purse or wallet at the ready. As for pets? Forget about it, says Groosevelt, who loathes them and wishes sickness and pain upon them. Attempt to change her mind on the matter? Enjoy your night out on the curb, buster, because the only "turndown service" you can expect at the Cranchmire is being "turned down" when asking for a room!

Just in from the Mayor's Office

For the crime of imitating humans (who were formed in His image), all "talking" birds will be destroyed.

Culinary Trend Comes to Waffle Town

"Pizza", a food popular with young persons and made with three ingredients, will be more readily available in Waffle Town this summer. It seems that a pair of colorful out-of-towners have recently purchased the old hog shack and plan to have it turned into a "pizza restaurant" come June. Glenn over at Town Hall is considering updating the town map, but "probably won't."

Where's Waffletown or Is It Waffle Town

Where is it, Help me find it

Power's Out Again

Lookin' like them Jasper boys done tried to run too many saws at once, and I told 'em, and now we got the power out. And who's gonna have to go down the holler tell them Jasper boys but me, and as I said I'm the one told 'em. And who else? Who else but Merle? Boys ain't fit to use a saw, I told 'em at the head office.

- Merle (head engineer)

Thank You for Your Support

The Waffle Town Historical Society wishes to extend its thanks to all who donated in its recent fundraiser. Unfortunately, the pile of donation money was accidentally left out in the rain, causing it to washed into a storm drain and assumed permanently lost. Demolition of the historic clock tower will continue as planned, making room for a paid public toilet.

In the Barn

Despite what the farmer thought he heard, there was nobody in the barn tonight. The cows were alone; they had no visitor, human or otherwise. The farmer went to bed ready for uneasy dreams. His wife, absorbed in her knitting, thought briefly of their son. He was born with a deformity, the kind which, not a century ago, would provoke his parents, if not the entire community, to leave him to the elements. The doctors did what they could at the time, and though his scars were mostly faded, his left eye still drooped. He moved to Cruncher Hill, married, and started a family. None of his children knew what he used to be.

A Note from Your Friends in Waffle Town!

We chopped down that tree you loved! It's dead!!!

A Warning to the Curious

Residents of Waffle Town are strongly discouraged from visiting the Brickbarge coal mine after another disappearance this week. The mine, which was closed and subsequently flooded almost forty years ago, is an increasingly popular destination for adventurous hikers and youths who should be at home studying. The parks department maintains that swimming is strictly prohibited, and that no hidden treasure, no long-buried artifact, no comely-crooning mermaid can be worth a dive into those murky waters.

Waffle Town Welcome Wednesdays to Fridays

To better accommodate the changing of the seasons, Waffle Town Welcome Wednesdays will now take place on Fridays. Fracas Fridays, previously taking place on Fridays, will become Wruckus Wrednesdays, and will no longer feature Marvin, or the snakes.

So Much Talk About the Moose Lately

According to Animal Control, and we're talking about Darryl from Animal Control, Darryl with the hair, and anyway—listen, the thing is, Darryl's been talking up this moose, and on and on, and at this point? At this point, I figure, who cares? It's a moose. It's big, sure. Sure, it's big. And did it come from the zoo? Somebody's collection? You know they got those, those big city fellers with those private, what are they called, private zoos is the term I'm [We can't print this. Who sent this in? Cut it. -- Ed.]

In Order to Move to Waffle Town

In order to move to Waffle Town you must have long legs and long, strong arms. You must have long limbs, long ones. There is nothing to be done with the insufficient of limb.

Your Beef Minute

Beef production was up this week thanks to eager staff at Pravis Farm, who rely on quality quick-cutting machetes made right here in Waffle Town, by my husband. Thank you for stopping by to get up to speed with this week's Beef Minute.

Clarification

The "headless dog" mentioned in this week's Waffle Town Bee ("Hi-Jinks Ensue at Preacher Crockton's", p. 14) was a dog that had been decapitated, not a dog composed of two back ends.

Homemade Lipstick Popular in Waffle Town

Made from "good" and "non-toxic" ingredients, Miss Winifred Cannon's pocket-tubes of homemade lipstick have garnered great attention since appearing on market shelves this week. Market manager Randall Goodcrooks claims to have already sold "severals" of the hand-crafted cosmetic, and is already preparing to place a second order—an "admittedly laborious" process. Will this surge in popularity send Miss Cannon's creation to the big city? Only time will tell.

Garbage Pickup Delayed This Week

Garbage pickup has been rescheduled for Friday on account of the inclement weather what has visited us in these last, these miserable few days. Direct grievances and jeremiads to B. Gomez, Town Hall, extension 12.