Doctors Patient, Stress Calm

It appears a handful of local children have come down with Muzzleford's Complaint, the first instance of the disease within town borders for over forty years. County health officials have stated that there is no need for alarm: all children below the age of six have been temporarily quarantined, and another shipment of rash cream should arrive from the manufacturer any day now.

Breathe a Sigh of Relief

Animal Control is happy to announce that they're successfully located and destroyed that runaway peacock. Interested parties are welcome to the feathers.

Emulsifier Needed, Inquire Within (Thyself)

Fr. Earhoarne is looking for a new Sin Emulsifier, following the retirement of Jamlers. If you wish the position, fast for three days. If your soul is found worthy, Father will come to you. You need not come to the chapel, for there will be made a beacon of your inmost light.

Park No Place for Chairs, Says Top Cop

Who left a well-used swivel chair on its side in the middle of the park? Police aren't sure, and they're asking anyone with information to come forward. Three miscreants were arrested in the aftermath of the chair's discovery, but they have since been released. Sheriff Ramage, however, is confident that it's only a matter of time until the culprit is found.

Death: No Man Can Escape Its Grasp

Monmouth Cranty, Waffle Town's oldest resident, has died at age 103. Foul play is not suspected.

Since Mr. Cranty had no living relatives, and since no friends or colleagues have come forward to arrange his funeral, he will be entombed within his one-room lakeside shack. Entombed along with him will be his doubtless plentiful observations about a changing Waffle Town, none of which he chose to share, all of which are now lost to time.

Gretchen Gharble, age 102, is now Waffle Town's oldest resident. We wish her luck.

Sundry Items

• Tonight at Town Hall, the merits of small orange pylons versus gargantuan stone pylons will be debated, and all are welcome to join.
• Hezekiah, it's time to come home.
• Where do all those uneaten pickles go? Staff at the diner tell us that they're fed to stray cats, who are not so appreciative.
• Summering in Waffle Town? Why not fall, winter, and spring in Waffle Town? You're welcome to stay.
• Town workers will remove the fire hydrant in front of the old tire shop tomorrow, because nobody cares if it burns down.